Deut 32:8 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their new wine and new grain abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:7,8.

The night sky is so glorious tonight, Lord. Stars shimmer with muted halo shapes, new raindrops fresh on every leaf, and the air is still, frozen and pure. Time is not important here, in this space where I sense you so near to me.

It has not always been like this for me - you know that, God. You know the fears I've had of the dark - deep terror pulsing through my veins just as sunset began to fall.

Tea would simmer on the stove when the fear in me would start to rise, encircling me, wafting like steam, and choking every thought.

For night time was so dreaded - filled with awful apprehension as I lay in bed each night. The little girl, so terrified, mind racing as small body shivered uncontrollably.

"Would he come to me tonight?" I'd think. "Startle me awake, jolt me rudely, abruptly with fierced hand and muffled voice with threats for silence?"

Then that yawning time of agony, when all the clocks stood still, until he'd finished what he came to do. I never understood the pain, the shame, the burning skin and bruised thighs. Why did he come? Why me? Why then? Why always in the dark???

But there it was, you see - the parallel was clear. The night, the dark, the fear and then the groping hands, that wretched curling tongue, the helplessness I felt, and silence all the while.

Oh, yes, I grew, and time went by. Left home - became a wife and mum. But fear remained, that terror of the night, and nightmares now replaced reality. I dreamt each night of all those things which happened as a child, and would wake all bathed in sweat, just like old times, shaking and afraid.

And sleep?? Just what was that? I heard the family breathing deep with calm assurance, and knew their heads were nestled peacefully upon their beds. But this never occurred for me. For me bed was a trap all of itself - where all the tapes from years ago would replay o'er and o'er within my mind.

But now, you know, it's gone!!!! The fear has gone!!! No apprehension now. I too can lie beneath the sheets in peace and rest secure, enjoying warmth and comfort from plumped pillows and drawn drapes.

A miracle for me!!! It's taken fifty years for God to heal this hurt. I never understood how others slept at all, and felt secure and freshened by the dawn. But now I sense it too, with awesome gratitude to God who did this thing for me.

I may not sleep all night - I'm still not good at that, and even doctors potions have not solved this dilemma yet. But now I'm sure one day I will - I'll sleep like others do, without the pile of tablets by the bed. I do not mind not sleeping though, for now, for as I lie in bed my Lord I think of you, and all your blessings pure. I think of your calm voice, your gentle outstretched hand, cup-shaped, holding me secure and loved - my name inscribed within your palm. And I feel warm, not shivering with fear, and music drifts around my ears, turned down low so not to wake the others. But I love this - this restful, placid state of rest.

The monsters have all gone, the demons drowned by your great love for me. And no, I'm not alone with dread, but resting 'neath your arms, in company with my great God, my friend and joy.

So thank you Lord, for what you've done - it's taken half my life - but then I have my old age yet in which to dwell secure. So as I close the shutters Lord, as night time signs appear, I think of you, my Lord, and all you've done for me. I'm ever grateful Father, for a friend as close as you, who holds me safely and securely all night long. For I've had a miracle no less; a healing so complete, and I shall never grasp and take for granted, not one hour of rested night time hours. My contentment overflows, along with joy and peace and love, for my heavenly father has secured for me what earthly Dad removed.

Copyright 2003. Julie-Anne Wingate. All Rights Reserved. For comments contact <. >