[I really hate to do this, but based on past experience I feel that I need to point out that this is satire. --clh] GROUP WANTS TO BAN MASTURBATION BY YOSSARIAN KHAN THE FAUX NEWS SERVICE WASHINGTON -- Rev. John Spankitt, president of the Sperm Is Life League (SPILL) today announced a campaign to outlaw masturbation. Within the month, according to Spankitt, SPILL plans to lobby President Bush, members of Congress, and state governors to introduce legislation criminalizing male self-gratification. "Men who masturbate quite clearly are murdering a potential life." Spankitt said. "Each teaspoonful of ejaculate carries millions of sperm, a single one of which can bring life. I think it's pretty obvious that masturbators are killers." Rev. Spankitt said that details of detection and prosecution had yet to be addressed, but he was confident that answers would be coming soon. "President Bush and Congressional leaders on both sides of the aisle have expressed interest in our issue. They think it's important to take a stand for life. It's about morality." When questioned about possible sanctions, Spankitt referred to the Bible. "We're debating that right now. Matthew 5:30 says 'If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee . . .' We think that's a good start for first offenders. Amputation and education--those are key." SPILL plans to organize nationwide "SPILL Circles" in which men may come together for help with their compulsion. "Second offenders would have to be dealt with more severely," Spankitt continued. "As Genesis 38:9-10 says '. . . he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also.' You can draw your own conclusions." Several reporters attempted to ask Rev. Spankitt if he had ever engaged in masturbation himself, at which time he declared the press conference closed and rushed from the room with the aid of his guide dog.
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