PRAYER ON THE OCCASION OF UTTER BOREDOM IN CHURCH

Oh Lord, this service is so dull that I think I must be dead. But if it be, Lord, by your grace and favour, that I am not in fact dead - merely stunned into mind-numbing oblivion by the overall tedium, and general inconsequentiality of the proceedings - grant your servant this: grant that this Vicar becomes 'called up yonder'* to that 'place which you have prepared for him' right away ... if that not be too forward a request, of course. Amen.

* Note: For those whose theologies allow, 'raptured' may be substituted here.

(From 101 Things to Do With a Dull Church: the Complete Guide For the Bored Again Christian - Martin Wroe & Adrian Reith, published by Minstrel, Eastbourne, E. Sussex)