Two categories of ‘motherhood wisdom’ commonly exist on Internet Humor pages: Mother’s Sayings, and Murphy’s Laws for Mothers.

Samples:

• This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you.
  
• I’m doing this because I love you.
  
• Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
  
• Answer me! Never mind, I’ll do it myself.
  
• I’m not going to speak to you again.
  
• Children should be seen and not heard.
  
• I’ll give you something to cry about.
  
• Keep your hands where they’re supposed to be.
  
• Why don’t you grow up?
  
• When are you going to act your age?
  
• I’ll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.
  
• You’ll always be Mama’s baby.
  
• I’m going to send all that food you left on your plate to all the starving Indians.
  
• You’re going to drive me to an early grave.
  
• That’s what you get for not listening.
  
• Just wait till you have children of your own!
  
• Wait till your father gets home!
  
• That does it.
  
• I’m sending you to your room!
  
• Where did I fail?
  
• What’s a mother for but to suffer?
  
• What am I? Your maid? (My mother used to ask: ‘Who was your servant last year?’)
  
• If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?
  
• If you fall off that swing and break a leg, don’t come running to me.

And some of Murphy’s Laws for Mothers (written by males, I would think):

• Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t.
  
• A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
  
• Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
  
• Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.
  
• Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
  
• The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
  
• The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
  
• If you can’t remember whether or not you phoned your mother, you didn’t.
  
• The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
  
• If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
  
• Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.
  
• Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
  
• You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.
  
• Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
  
• The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
  
• The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
  
• All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.
  
• Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
  
• Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.
  
• One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
  
• If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
  
• When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
  
• The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will “save” it before she uses it.
  
• No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
  
• No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
  
• If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
  
• The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
  
• Accomplishments are made possible by your mother – failures are your own fault.
  
• Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.
  
• Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.
  
• The longer it’s been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
  
• No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
  
• The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
  
• If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
  
• You never are as good as other people’s children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
  
• The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.
  
• The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
  
• Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
  
• If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn’t doing it well.
  
• There are always two sides to a story – the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
  
• Mothers always “know.” We don’t know how – they just do.
  
• Murphy’s mother told him so.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
HumorColumnist.Com

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