I'm reproducing this anonymous email (with my responses preceded by ===>>>)

for the encouragement of others in this situation.

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher

~~~

Dear Rowland,

I truly appreciate your insights. How do you forgive your dad? I have gone through all the emotions, the scriptures, the performances of forgiveness in the past. The thing that angers me is that he never stops abandoning - it is daily and he has the power to act like a father and chooses not to. I hate him for it. It makes me feel like I don't deserve a family. ===>>> Very common responses. You cannot live as if all this never happened.

I feel like my future is poisoned by him. That I'll be alone forever . I truly believe in my heart that every man is just like him. And I don't trust any of them and I never let one of them close to me to disappoint me.

===>>> Again, common responses. But you can work on these. Your recognition of the problem is a good start.

I want to tell him how mean he is. Maybe he would treat my mother differently or at least try to be there for my sister's children and not leave them with the same legacy.

There is not one thing he can do for me to fix it. I'd never believe a word that came out of his mouth. Never. I'd never trust him to be there for one single thing and I'd never ever count on him. No matter what he does. I hate him for leaving me so alone. He is five minutes away and could be a million miles - wouldn't make a difference. He talks to my mother like she is a dog. I hate him for that. His health is so bad and I know he is going to die and screw us all over. He will leave $$$'s of dollar of debt for my mother to carry on her 60 year old shoulders. I don't know how he could do that to her after all the years she stood by him in spite of him beating her like a dog. It makes me angry and I don't know how to let it go. I'm no judge though. I'm guilty of judging them both. The hatred is my sin not his.

If I let those old beliefs determine my future, that is my sin.

===>>> Sin is too strong a word. 'Problem' would be better.

Father God seems too far away and I'm always a little angry at Him for being so far away. I wasted my whole weekend in anger. It ate away at me all day yesterday. Not one thought entered my head that wasn't anger ridden. I feel it in my body - so dangerous to allow it a place in me. I resist the devil - he will flee. I surely didn't resist this weekend.

===>>> God doesn't mind your being angry: some of the the Psalms were written by angry people!

I don't want to be bitter and mean with this in my heart. I am bitter and I feel mean sometimes, hard and angry too. The alternative is alone. Alone is better than bitter though. I am moving away in two weeks and I know I can't move and start a new life alone somewhere with this in my heart and yet, I have no clue how to let it go. I've prayed, forgiven and let go a million times, but every day he choose to abandon me. He is the meannest man that i've ever known. He is mean and full of hatred. I want him out of my heart. I want to stop needing a daddy. When my car breaks down, I am alone in this world. The church isn't friendly and only care about you if you are rich.

===>>> Not all churches are like this...

My friends say, why don't you call you dad. My dad hates to be bothered and wouldn't spend one minute to help me. I want to forgive. I want to have my own family and love them and be loved one day. How do I even begin?

===>>> Maybe find a caring safe male counsellor to talk to? ===>>> I just paused to pray for you.

I appreciate it.

[Name withheld]

===>>> I'm blind copying this to someone who will be better than I at helping here. Would you mind my friend? Thanks.

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher