Sixty-five million Evangelicals can't be wrong.

By Mark Ames

IF YOU'RE A JEW, put the paper down now, run to your door and lock it. If some beaming Ned Flanders type with a big helpful smile on his face rings your doorbell and says, "Is there a Jew in this house I can hug?" advise him to vacate the premises immediately, or you will sic upon him Baal, your starving Rhodesian Ridgeback.

Whatever you do, do not invite the Christian Zionist into your house. Because as much as he claims to love you and all of your fellow tribesmen, it's a different kind of love than you might expect. More like the love that the Manson Family had for Sharon Tate and her party guests.

Ned and about 65 million other fellow American Evangelical cultists love Jews for one simple reason: They hope to bundle every [Jew] up, air-freight them to the West Bank and East Jerusalem (once those areas have been cleansed of Muslims), and use the Jews as bait to bring upon the Rapture, as kindling in the Apocalypse, the final battle that will bring Jesus back to Earth. None of this can happen until every last Jew is penned into the occupied territories-and the Jews won't get there unless the far-right runs Israel and America. Currently 65 million American cultists are using everything in their power, from prayer to politics, to make this Helter Skelter scenario come true.

Under this Evangelical "end of days" scenario, there's some good news and some bad news, depending on which cult you belong to.

First, the good news: The Rapture be bery-bery-good to Evangelical Christians. When that day arrives, they all get sucked up to heaven- body, clothes, mobile phones and all. Here is a stunning description of the Rapture in Evangelical cult leader Michael D. Evans' new bestseller, The American Prophecies (Warner Faith Books, $18.95):

[I]magine for a moment sixty-five million Americans vanishing in the twinkling of an eye-people flying planes, driving cars, steering ships, driving trains and subways, manning nuclear power stations and nuclear silos, navigating submarines filled with nuclear missiles, and so on. Realize, also, if that happened today, it would take our president.]

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