MONDAY MANNA

A service to the world's business community November 1st, 2004 THE BENEVOLENT ART OF LISTENING By: Robert J. Tamasy Has anyone - a coworker, a family member, even a teacher - ever asked you this question, "Are you listening?" There are many reasons (excuses?) for not listening. We're tired. We're distracted by other concerns. It just may be that we're not interested in what someone is saying, so we have "tuned them out." I must admit to being guilty of not listening more times than I can remember. On occasion, my wife has asked, "Are you listening to me?" and I have responded, "I heard you." But the truth was, even though I may have "heard" her, I was not listening. There is a difference between hearing - the simple act of recognizing the physical phenomenon of sound waves colliding with the eardrum - and listening. Unless you have a hearing disability, you cannot avoid hearing. Listening, however, is another matter. That requires a conscious act of not only collecting sound waves, but also interpreting the nerve impulses that then go to the brain. To state it another way, hearing is an involuntary response to noise; listening is a voluntary activity. It may even be regarded as an act of kindness and respect. For instance, a coworker complains or tells you about a circumstance that is causing personal pain. You may be busy with a project, but if you care about that person at all, you will choose not only to hear, but also to listen - at least for a brief time. The same applies to situations at home, when a spouse or child wants to talk with you about something they consider important - even if you do not. Do you just "hear" what is said and, in effect, ignore them while you concentrate on other matters? Or do you set those concerns aside long enough to genuinely listen, think about the information being presented, and respond appropriately? Interestingly, we hear a lot about the importance of communication in the workplace - writing and reading memos, interoffice e-mails and reports, voice mail etiquette, and making effective presentations. But rarely do we spend much time on what I call "the benevolent art of listening." The Book of Proverbs offers valuable insights: Listening enables you to get to the real story. Frequently problems that arise at work are merely symptoms, the "tip of the iceberg." Solving them often requires getting to "the story behind the story," and there is no better way to do this than by listening. "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out" (Proverbs 20:5). Listening helps to avoid calamity. Sometimes we feel there is nothing more important than what we have to say. But if we spend too much time talking and not enough time listening, we might not hear urgent warnings that are offered. "The wise in heart accepts commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin" (Proverbs 10:8). Listening prepares us for receiving much-needed correction. We all like commendation better than correction, but many times the most sensitive, caring thing someone can do is offer "constructive criticism" to show us how to do better in the future. The key is striving to listen without becoming defensive, trusting what is said is intended for our good. "Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man's rebuke to a listening ear" (Proverbs 25:12). Listening enables us to respond appropriately. Often people share their hurts with us simply because they want to know someone cares, and also to be assured that there still is hope. If we take the time to listen, we may be able to respond with just the right words for the moment. "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up" (Proverbs 12:25). So the next time someone says something to you, try to do more than just hear what is said. Also try to listen - what you receive through your ears may be eye-opening! Robert J. Tamasy is vice president of communications for Leaders Legacy, Inc., a non-profit corporation based in Atlanta, Georgia, U.S.A. A veteran of more than 30 years in professional journalism, he most recently has coauthored with David A. Stoddard, The Heart of Mentoring: 10 Proven Principles for Developing People to Their Fullest Potential (NavPress). For more information, see http://www.theheartofmentoring.com. CBMC INTERNATIONAL: Robert Milligan, President

Reflection/Discussion Questions 1. Think of the last time someone asked you, "Are you listening?" Or perhaps there is someone to whom you direct this question repeatedly. How often does this happen? Why do you think this is? 2. Do you agree with the distinction between hearing and listening? Why, in your opinion, are we so weak as listeners at the workplace and in the home? 3. What steps could be helpful for someone who wants to learn how to become a better listener? 4. Do you agree with the statement that sincere listening is an act of kindness and respect? Why or why not? NOTE: If you have a Bible and would like to consider some other passages that relate to this matter of listening, look up the following: Matthew 7:24-29, 8:8-10, 13:13-16; James 1:19