Most abuse or domestic violence survivors of any kind, (like myself) find that sooner or later we begin to experience flashbacks. A flashback is when an old memory suddenly 'flashes' across our minds and then just as suddenly goes away again. I still have frequent flashback experiences, and they can be quite confronting, because they contain extremely powerful emotions as well as a tiny glimpse of memory.

Today I had one which nearly blew me away. I was at my mother's home, and she started talking about how I behaved when I was a little girl. She asked me if I would like a chocolate, and I declined (as I always do). Then she said, "Oh, Julie-Anne, I should know you never eat sweets. Even as a tiny little girl you hated any type of candy. You would ask me to read a little piece from my Bible rather than get a candy for a reward".

Then suddenly I had a flashback!! I have never remembered this before, but suddenly I could see the five year old little girl, standing terrified in a corner in the house, with my father standing over me. The fear that shook my body with that flashback was just enormous! I was absolutely terrified.

Later that evening I 'unpacked' that flashback again. I replayed it in my head over and over, and gradually more and more of this experience became clear to me. I DID hate candies, chocolates and sweet treat of all kinds!! Oh, yes. I remember now that my father used to trap me, and offer me a candy. Then just as I would reach for it, it was only an offer if he received something in return.

"That's only fair", He would say.

In return for the candy treat, I had to stroke him in a part of his body until HE was 'a happy boy'! Once I made him happy, he would make ME happy by giving me the sweet.

Now I know why I have NEVER liked sweets - not chocolates, or licorice, popcorn, fudge, honeycomb - you name it, I WILL NOT accept even one. Having also become aware of the reason WHY I refuse to eat sweet treats, has also helped me to understand my reaction to such offers. Now the challenge for healing needs to begin.

Now that I have experienced this flashback, I now must do all I can to overcome it. I will need to remind myself over and again that candies are quite safe for me NOW. They were definitely NOT safe when I was little, but now I am grown, this situation no longer exists. This is the best part of flashbacks. They provide us with clues, or reasons, for what would seem to be unreasonble fears. They bring to us a logic and a validation for the basis of these fears. But they also offer a chance for healing FROM the irrational fear. That is the good part!

It reminds me how manipulative adults can become. We all can demand something in a payback type of way. This kind of payback, though, is totally and completely wrong and abusive in the worst sense. I am so relieved to know that God does not treat me like this. God is Someone who will never abuse me. This Person gives good gifts expecting nothing in return. God just keeps on giving - a new sunrise, a rose, an ocean beach to explore. God has good gifts all around me. I just need to receive them. They are always freely given with no hidden personal agenda.

How blessed am I to have this wonderful knowledge to help me overcome the bad flashback memory of my dad.

(c). 2004. Julie-Anne Wingate. Women Of Worth - WOW!: http://womenofworth.blogspot.com/.

Do you have a story to share of how you bravely face flashbacks? If you do, please contact me at: j_anwin[at]yahoo.com. -