In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (..and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (…I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
Services will be held at 2:30 PM Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

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A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says, “Why, I’ll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston.”
“Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?” asked the Bostonian.
“Paul Revere?!” said the Texan. “Isn’t he the guy who ran for help?”

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The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife described a friend who was a vegetarian.
“Could you imagine never having a steak again,” she asked him, “and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and salad?”
“That stuff isn’t food,” he snorted. “That’s what food eats!”

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QUIPS:
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. ________________
We keep electing politicians who lie, cheat, and deceive us. In Britain it’s the cows who’re crazy. Over here it’s us. ________________
MSNBC was predicting the Archbishop of Bombay could be the new pope. Even the job of pope was in danger of being outsourced to India. ~ Jay Leno ________________
Taxpayers can use the short form or the long form. Any way you pay your taxes, it won’t be long before you’re short. ________________
TV has come a long way; first it was black and white; then it was color; now it’s off color. ________________
Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. When you’re not in one, you’ll be in the other. ________________
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say, “Who do you think you are?” ________________
Q: What’s a Jewish sweater? A: It’s what a Jewish child wears when his mother is cold. ________________
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don’t like to interrupt her. ________________
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
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Quotes:
“I think Little League (baseball) is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.” – Yogi Berra
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller
“The nearest thing to immortality is this world is a government bureau.” – General Hugh S. Johnson
“Guidelines for Bureaucrats: (1) When in charge ponder. (2) When in trouble delegate. (3) When in doubt mumble.” – James H. Boren
“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.” – Mark Twain

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TRIVIA QUESTION:
The US interstate highway system was designed so that one mile in every five must be straight. Why? These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies – the interstate’s official name is The National Defense Highway System.

If you would like to be included on my “Clean Humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.
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