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TODAYS RIDDLE:

What has a foot on each side and one in the middle?

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A yard stick.
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Always keep several get well cards on the mantel
or coffee table so if unexpected guests arrive, they
will think you've been sick and unable to clean!
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Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura on how
law-abiding he is in his Porsche: "Well, there's no law
that says how fast you can get to the speed limit."
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My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in
Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves
on a trip, she always types up address labels for her
postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one better.
I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written
thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.
They're all stamped and ready to go."
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My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said,
"You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room
and mailed this morning?"
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Bar Mitzvah Bee:
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Two bees ran into each other. One asked the
other how things were going.
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"Really bad," said the second bee,
"the weather has been really wet and damp
and there aren't any flowers or pollen,
so I can't make any honey..."
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"No problem," said the first bee,
"Just fly down five blocks and turn left
and keep going until you see all the cars.
There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are
all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
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"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and
flew away.
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A few hours later the two bees ran into each
other again and the first bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
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"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything
you said it would be."
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"Uh, what's that thing on your head?"
asked the first bee.
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"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee,
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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One Liners:
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I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.

I need some duck tape ... my duck has a quack in it

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the
handwriting for it.

The more you say, the less people remember

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy
body will last a lifetime.

If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn
off the air conditioning.

Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather
special to be one of them".

My teenage son gets up every morning and counts
his mustache

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If you would like to be included on my "Clean Humor"
list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with
"=Include Me=" as the subject. I do not write the jokes.
I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is
good for the immune system.
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