Alternative to "naughty spot"

In Redirecting Children's Behaviour we teach alternatives to the "naughty corner/step/spot" technique used by SuperNanny.

We suggest you ask for the behaviour you want , using words that give your child an image of something to do, not something not to do. Say " I want you to use one toy at a time" rather than " Don't make a big mess with your toys!" Say " Use an inside voice" rather than "Don't yell!"

This will do much to help your child be cooperative, especially if you smile and affirm him when he gets it right.

Sometimes you need to set limits, or announce 'the rules'. We suggest you set limits by getting on your child's level, speaking calmly and firmly with a friendly or neutral face, and a..

clearly state the limit: "No biscuits before dinner," b.. empathise with the child's feelings. "I understand you are hungry and how much you'd like to have a biscuit," c.. give options ( to a child under 4 years old): " You can have a piece of carrot or a stick of celery" or ask what their options are ( 4yrs and over): " What would be a good choice for you right now?" d.. If child resists, do not give in, and repeat the steps above. Parents often leave out the empathising step, yet this one can do much to reduce the intensity of children's resistant feelings. In Redirecting Children's Behaviour we also teach self-calming, where a child is encouraged to think over what has happened and what needs to be done differently. It is not about punishment. It is about taking a break to get back into a normal state of equilibrium, to reflect on what the problem is and what to do differently.

It is a chance to get calm. We want our children to learn to control themselves and their behaviour. If the parent is in control of sending the children and telling them when they can come out what lesson in self-control will they learn? Instead of thinking over what happened the child may well be thinking how mean Mum or Dad is, and how they hate being forced to be alone in this way. Some kids get hysterical in this kind of situation or react by trashing the room.

Take your child to a self-quieting space in a firm and loving way, saying things like "You're not in trouble, you just need to get calm" to a child who is tired and overwrought or "You need to take a break from your brother when you don't play gently" to a hitting child.

You know your child best, so you will know what helps your child, especially a toddler, to get calm most effectively, eg music, quiet activities, being held and soothed, the opportunity for rhythmical movement like hammering wooden pegs, or pouring water through a funnel. Older children can be left alone to think about what happened, and what they will do next time.

Say "Come out when you are ready!" The child is accepted back when they return and play appropriately or speak respectfully and normally or when they tell you what they will do differently next time. This way the child learns to recognise for herself when her behaviour is appropriate.

It's really a way of teaching self-discipline. It is a technique that you as a parent can often profitably use yourself when your equilibrium has been disturbed and thus model self-control for your children.

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