Remember the old Catskill Mountains comics of Vaudeville days like Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?…. corny, clean jokes, but still funny…

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud-pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, “Give me $10 till payday.” The Jewish fellow responded, “When’s payday?” The bum said, “I don’t know! You’re the one that’s working!”

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

“….if you’re not happy with what you have, you probably won’t be happy with what you want….”

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