As I look back on more than forty years of married life, I am astonished that the work of the ministry does not destroy ministers' marriages. The minister will have the best and biggest room in his house for his study. The minister sees less of his family than any member of his congregation does. He sees less of his children. He has to leave it to his wife to bring them up. Seldom can he have an evening out with his wife and, even when such an evening is arranged, something again and again comes to stop it. Demands to speak and to lecture take him constantly away from home and, when he does come home, he is so tired that he is the worst company in the world, and falls asleep in his chair. As I come near to the end of my days, the one thing that haunts me more than anything else is that I have been so unsatisfactory a husband and a father. As the Song of Solomon has it: `They made me keeper of the vineyards; but my own vineyard I have not kept'. When the Pastoral Epistles are laying down the qualifications for the elder, the deacon and the bishop one of the unvarying demands is that `he must know how to manage his own household' - and for a minister that is the hardest thing in the world.

William Barclay, Testament of Faith, Oxford: Mowbrays, 1977, p.16-17.

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We had a lot of good times together, but Mary [my wife] never got wrapped up in the corporate life. She didn't try to keep up with the Joneses. For both of us, the family was supreme. As for the responsibilities of the corporate wife, she did what was necessary, and she did it with a smile. But her values - and mine - were home and the hearth... Your job takes up enough time without having to shortchange your family. The four of us used to take a lot of motor trips, especially when the kids were young. That's when we really got close as a family. No matter what else I did in those years, I know that two sevenths of my whole life - weekends, and a lot of evenings - was devoted to Mary and the kids. Some people think that the higher up you are in the corporation, the more you have to neglect your family. Not at all! Actually, it's the guys at the top who have the freedom and the flexibility to spend enough time with their wives and kids. Still, I've seen a lot of executives who neglect their families, and it always makes me sad... You can't let a corporation turn into a labour camp. Hard work is essential. But there's also a time for rest and relaxation, for going to see your kid in the school play or at the swim meet. And if you don't do those things while the kids are young, there's no way to make it up later on... Yes I've had a wonderful and successful career. But next to my family, it really hasn't mattered at all.

Lee Iacocca, Iacocca: An Autobiography, New York: Bantam Books, 1984, pp.304-305.

~~

A young man told me of a conversation he had in hospital with his father just before he died. The father, a perpetually busy man, had not spent much time with his children and the son expressed his regret that they had not shared more together. The father responded by reminding his son that he had worked long hours in order to put food on the table to feed the family. The son remained silent, but in his heart he was yearning to tell his father that he had never been as hungry for food as he had been for his father's presence.

Rabbi Neil Kursham, quoted in Mitch Golant and Susan Golant, Finding Time For Fathering, New York: Ballantine Books, 1992, p.60.

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When the office work and the 'information revolution' begin to dominate, the father-son bond disintegrates. If the father inhabits the house only for an hour or two in the evenings, then women's values, marvelous as they are, will be the only values in the house. One could say that the father now loses his son five minutes after birth... The German psychologist Alexander Mitscherlich writes about this father-son crisis in his book called Society Without the Father. The gist of his idea is that if the son does not actually see what his father does during the day and through all the seasons of the year, a hole will appear in the son's psyche, and the hole will fill with demons who tell him that his father's work is evil and that the father is evil... Not receiving any blessing from your father is an injury. Robert Moore said, 'If you're a young man and you're not being admired by an older man, you're being hurt...' Not seeing your father when you are small, never being with him, having a remote father, an absent father, a workaholic father, is an injury... Between twenty and thirty percent of American boys now live in a house with no father present, and the demons there have full permission to rage... When a father, absent during the day, returns home at six, his children receive only his temperament, not his teaching... The father returns home... usually irritable and remote... [and] children do not receive the blessing of his teaching... A father's remoteness may severly damage the daughter's ability to participate good-heartedly in later relationships with men. Much of the rage that some women direct to the patriarchy stems from a vast disappointment over this lack of teaching from their own fathers.

Robert Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men, New York: Vintage Books, 1992, pp.21,31,96,97.

~~

The men in my family are hardworking, good men, but most of them are disconnected from their feelings. That is the norm for upper midwestern farm families like ours. We value hard work and consider it noble to bear, in stoic silence, whatever physical or emotional pain comes our way. Our unspoken rule is 'men do not feel'. The men in our family know little about emotional expression. One rarely hears a hearty laugh or feels a warm hug from strong arms, or offers a spontaneous 'I love you.' It is tragic that sons should suffer such loss and woundedness from fathers who truly love them, but it happens. I know my father loved me. I know he cared. He worked hard, sacrificed for his family, and was a good provider, but he did not know how to help me feel loved. I also know that my father did not feel loved by his father. He never received affirmation from his father, and I doubt that he ever felt the warmth and comfort of a loving hug from his father. My father was unable to give what he had never received himself. He didn't have a clue about how to reach out to me emotionally because no one had ever reached out to him... Every boy yearns to be sought out by his father. When a boy lacks this emotional connection, his natural response is to try to do something that will cause his father to demonstrate his love for him, something that will create an emotional bond between them. Different boys try different behaviours. One boy will become an overachiever. 'Maybe if I do well enough in school or make the basketball team', the boy reasons, 'Dad will think I'm special'. Another boy will cause trouble at home or at school until he gains his father's attention. Regardless of the outward behaviour, the motivation is the same - to be emotionally connected or close to the father... There is no subsitute for an intimate, emotional connection between father and son. This connection cannot be made by a father who is physically or emotionally absent. It cannot be made by a father who functions at home in the same way he functions in the workplace. It takes time and emotional involvement for a father to establish intimacy with his son.

Dr. Earl R. Henslin, Man to Man, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993, pp.9-11,41-42.

~~

I was an overmothered son. At its simplest, overmothering means that the amount of time the mother devotes to the son is much greater - often hugely disproportionate - to the time the father spends with the son... Here we see a pattern that has ensnared millions of men in passivity during this century: The father is absent, abusive, or unavailable, alienating the son and placing too heavy a burden on the mother... Female traits can and should be encouraged in men. So many men are afraid to show tenderness and fear and hurt and other emotions that women can express more easily. Men need to be willing to nurture the female side of themselves, and mothers can be helpful in this process. But when it comes to a man's masculine traits, which include his perception of fatherhood and of mature manhood, these cannot be obtained through the mother, no matter how hard she tries or how pure her motives are.

Verne Becker, The Real Man Inside: How Men Can Recover Their Identity and Why Women Can't Help, Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992, pp.68-70.

~~

Q. How do I deal with the fact that my father was distant and cold and unloving? I have a hard time seeing God as my father and praying to him! A. Your question about your experience with your father and relating to God is not an uncommon struggle. Often we create our image of God based upon our fathers. Many people struggle to experience God's love and grace because the concept is buried by the rubbish of our relationships at home. What can you do? Tell God and another person how you see him at this time in your life. It helps to tell him. After all, it won't be any surprise to God. Each day read aloud the Scriptures... I also suggest you read two books as a corrective process: The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer is a devotional presentation of the attributes of God. J.I. Packer's book Knowing God, expands our knowledge and understanding of God's attributes in yet another way. Dwell on these truths, and the truths of Scripture. Write an unmailed letter to your earthly father, stating the discoveries you have made about God, and declaring that no longer will his experiences with you dictate your perception of God. If your father is still living, pray that he would come to make the same discovery about God that you have made.

H. Norman Wright, Questions Women Ask in Private, California: Regal Books, 1993, pp.302-303.

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A man's relationship with his father has a tremendous bearing on his personal relationship with God. When a bond exists between father and son, the son will find it easier to trust his father's spirituality and to model his father's spiritual life. If a man's relationship with his earthly father has been marked by woundedness, he will find it difficult to know how to expect anything different in his relationship with God. In fact, a little boy's first image of God the Father reflects the image of his earthly father. A strong emotional connection between father and son, makes it easier for the son to feel spiritually connected with God, but if no emotional bridge exists, the son may feel as though God is distant and disinterested. Consider these common examples of how a man's relationship with God mirrors his relationship with his father:

* If a man's father has been unpredictable or moody, made promises he did not keep, or failed to support him when he needed it, a man does not know what he can count on in his relationship with his Heavenly Father.

* If a man's father has been critical, judgemental, difficult to please, or cruel, a man will tend to view God as a harsh taskmaster who is just waiting for an excuse to punish him.

* If a man's father has been shaming or demanded perfection, a man will feel hopelessly inadequate before God, compelled to do as much as he can 'for God,' yet feeling guilty for never doing enough.

* If a man's father has been passive when action was appropriate, a man will have a hard time trusting God to play an active role in his life.

* If a man's father had a strong, macho personality, showed no compassion and denied or minimized pain, a man will find it hard to believe that God is compassionate and cares deeply about his pain, his struggles, or his fears. Clearly, all of the emotions that are wrapped up in a man's relationship with his father are also wrapped up in his relationship with God. When healing for those issues begins to take place, a man will experience God differently and feel his presence more deeply.

Dr. Earl R. Henslin, Man to Man, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993, pp.88-90.

~~

The combination of activism and preaching and lecturing and writing and travelling meant that I was away from home a lot. I justified some of it on grounds that we couldn't make it without the extra income - which was true, we couldn't - but it meant that I missed a lot of my children's growing up, and they had more than their share of what is now called `single parenting'. And I am just very lucky, luckier than most, that somehow (by grace, if I'm pressed for an explanation) we have survived all that, and with whatever hard times we may have individually and collectively gone through, Peter, Mark, Alison, Tom, Sydney and I are now at a point where we not only love, but like, one another, sharing ordinary moments in a way that makes them special moments. I have no recipe for how that happened, but I do have some advice: listen to one another, and cherish the family moments while you have them; they will be gone before you know it.

Robert McAfee Brown, Creative Dislocation - the Movement of Grace, Nashville: Abingdon, 1980, pp.61-62.

~~

In 1988 an Ann Landers column described the anguish felt by a father who had let the precious years with his own children pass away: 'I remember talking to my friend a number of years ago about our children. Mine were 5 and 7 then, just the ages when their daddy means everything to them. I wished that I could have spent more time with my kids, but I was too busy working. After all, I wanted to give them all the things I never had when I was growing up. I loved the idea of coming home and having them sit on my lap and tell me about their day. Unfortunately, most days I came home so late that I was only able to kiss them good night after they had gone to sleep. It is amazing how fast kids grow. Before I knew it, they were 9 and 11. I missed seeing them in school plays. Everyone said they were terrific, but the plays always seemed to go on when I was travelling for business, or tied up in a special conference. The kids never complained, but I could see the disappointment in their eyes. I kept promising that I would have more time 'next year.' But the higher up the corporate ladder I climbed, the less time there seemed to be. Suddenly they were no longer 9 and 11. They were 14 and 16. Teen-agers. I didn't see my daughter the night she went out on her first date or my son's championship basketball game. Mom made excuses and I managed to telephone and talk to them before they left the house. I could hear the disappointment in their voices, but I explained as best I could. Don't ask me where those years have gone. Those little kids are 19 and 21 now and in college. I can't believe it. My job is less demanding and I finally have time for them. But they have their own interests and there is no time for me. To be perfectly honest, I'm a little hurt. It seems like yesterday that they were 5 and 7. I'd give anything to live those years over. You can bet your life I'd do it differently. But they are gone now, and so is my chance to be a real dad.'

Gary Bauer, Our Journey Home: What Parents Are Doing to Preserve Family Values, Dallas: Word Publishers, 1992, pp. 138-139.

~~

A child arrived the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talkin' fore we knew it and as he grew

He said, 'I'm gonna be like you, Dad,

You know I'm gonna be like you.'

'When ya comin home Dad?'

'I don't know when

But we'll get together then, yeah,

We're gonna have a good time then...'

I've long since retired, and my son moved away

I called him up just the other day

Said, 'I'd like to see you if you don't mind.'

He said, 'I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time

But the new job's a hassle and the kid's got the flu

But it's been sure nice talking to you.'

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

My boy was just like me.

Harry Chapin, 'Cat's in the Cradle', quoted in Edwin Louis Cole, Maximized Manhood: A Guide to Family Survival, Springdale, Pennsylvania: Whitaker House, 1982, pp.58-59.

~~

Rowland Croucher: The Family: At Home in a Heartless World (HarperCollins), 1995

Quotes used with permission

Rowland Croucher