I am the very model of a modern Evangelical,

I've information biblical, liturgical and clerical.

I know the minor prophets and the progeny of Ishmael,

The sins of Magor-missabab, and all the kings of Israel.

I'm well acquainted too with matters exegetical,

And stamp out modern doctrines that are novel or heretical.

I quote the scriptures to my aunts in versions that bamboozle 'em,

The R.S.V. and N.E.B., the Plain Jane and Jerusalem.

Chorus:

The R.S.V. and N.E.B., the Plain Jane and Jerusalem.

The R.S.V. and N.E.B., the Plain Jane and Jerusalem.

The R.S.V. and N.E.B., the Plain Jane and Jerusalem.

I'm very good at apostolic and reformed theology,

I've always had an a-millennial view of eschatology.

In short in matters biblical, liturgical and clerical

I am the very pattern of a modern Evangelical.

Between the prayer-book versions I am quick to differentiate,

Supporting sixteen sixty-two but not the nineteen twenty-eight.

I like the clergy dressed in black, and not in bright regalia,

I'll join in prayers extempore, but never glossolalia.

I don't mind modern liturgies involving all the laity,

But won't sing chants Gregorian, not tolerate much gaiety.

I'm very quick to spot a word whose overtones are sinister,

I never call a priest a priest, but always just a minister.

Chorus:

He never calls a priest a priest, but always just a minister.

He never calls a priest a priest, but always just a minister.

He never calls a priest a priest, but always just a mini-minister.

I like the gospel to be preached in phrases all traditional,

With sermons twenty minutes long and three points expositional.

In short in matters biblical, liturgical and clerical

I am the very model of a modern Evangelical.

(SLOWER)

In fact when I know what is meant by science and sociology,

When I can talk impromptu on the ethics of ecology,

When I've encountered Women's Lib, or lobbied local aldermen,

And when I've mixed with long-haired "hips", or marched to back the balder men.

When I have let my own hair down, despite my high gentility,

And learnt to live with just a little less respectability.

In short, when I'm more "with-it" than a nomad in the Nullarbor,

(VIVACE)

You'll find your modern Evangelical is not so dull a bore.

Chorus:

You'll find your modern Evangelical is not so dull a bore.

You'll find your modern Evangelical is not so dull a bore.

You'll find your modern Evangelical is not so dull a bore.

For my orthodox upbringing, though I've penitence and piety,

Has never brought me face to face with much of our society.

But still in matters biblical, liturgical and clerical,

I am the very model of a modern Evangelical.

By Dr Jan Hext