Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just
a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24.
You may think God’s best saints rarely if ever suffer confusion or
bewilderment or disillusion. Not so. They sometimes feel keenly a sense
of failure; they often have to negotiate obstacles in the dark; ‘My God
my God why have you forsaken me?’ is their cry too.
But they realize that those experiences of desolation may be God’s
breaking down the idols and removing false securities. As Gerald Hughes
writes, in The God of Surprises, ‘This may seem like disintegration,
but it is the disintegration of the ear of wheat: if it does not die to
bring new life, it shrivels away on its own… God is in all things,
so that there is no particle in creation and no experience of yours in
which he is not with you.’
Take Lord and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding and
my will, all that I have and possess. Everything I have is yours, for
you have given it all to me; to you I return it. Take me, Lord, and do
what you like with me, only give me your grace and your love, for that
is enough for me. (St Ignatius, Spiritual Exercises)