My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

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One-Liners :

A pat on the back is really close to a kick in the pants.

If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it?

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

There is nothing like being younger to make you look younger.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will be known as an expert.

Pharmacist to customer: "Take these pills as often as you can get the cap off."

When picking out a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you're family; to a cat, you're staff.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' is but a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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26 Below!

When temperatures plunged to 26 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the Rockford, Ill., Register Star asked its readers to finish the sentence, "It was so cold that..." Here are some of the responses:

...you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk. ...I had to go up and break the smoke off my chimney. ...we opened the refrigerator to heat the house. ...when police saw a bank-robbery suspect and said, "Freeze!" he did. ...I saw a 32nd-degree Mason, and he was down to 15. ...when I called home to Arizona, the message caused the cactus to frost over. ...I let my dog out, and I had to break him loose from the tree.

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My father, a retired Air Force pilot, often sprinkles his conversation with aviation jargon. I didn't realize what flying had meant to him, however, until the day he showed me the folder with his last will and testament.

It was labeled "Cleared for Departure."

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If you would like to be included on my "clean humor" list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with "=Include Me=" as the Subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.

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