The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

'Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

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ONE LINERS :

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

CONFUCIOUS SAY: Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

CONFUCIOUS SAY: Blessed are the cross-eyed for they shall see God twice.

Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their children are tonight.

A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

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I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.

One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian.

As I was performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me that she was Chinese, and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause, she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"

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"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.

"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

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Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."