Making sense where it makes no sense

By Michael Spyker

Here I am, sitting at home trying to get my house all stilled. The birds outside are chirping, I can hear the train and the garbage truck. Inside our home it’s actually quiet. Jeanne has gone to work. But my house, the one St John of the Cross refers to in his poem about the Dark Night, isn’t at all stilled. It’s not that easy to subdue your thoughts into peace. I find plenty to think about, although I’m trying hard not to. ‘Be still and know that I am God,’ is the sage advice. Just be quiet, and let it be.

I’m not suffering a mishap or injustice. Life’s got all I need. I’m healthy, happy at home, father and grandfather, with plenty of food on the table. It’s not an answer to hardship I’m looking for. It’s about life and how to get a handle on it that truly reflects the wealth of the gospel, rather than trying to practise some great theological insights as best I can. It’s about gaining a perspective on life that really is a renewal of the mind. My studies come in handy, but only up to a point. They show me a road, but cannot do my travelling. About a year ago I stopped being employed at a Christian academic college where I lectured in Christian Spirituality. Time was up, so the Lord seemed to say. One of the highlights during that time was the worldwide publication of my book Meeting Emma, which is still available but hasn’t sold that well. It’s a good introduction to spirituality in a novel way. Unsurprisingly no-one has heard of me so why spend money on a book by a stranger? It’s a pity because those who have read it, including some other authors, speak highly about Meeting Emma. Hopefully it won’t be lost to the Kingdom and disappear off the shelves too soon. Not that my ego would be slighted by that. I’m quite happy following Thomas Merton’s advice that humility, obscurity and emptiness - being poor in spirit - are the safest qualities for remaining spiritually healthy.

In my quiet before the Lord, if I can get that far, I’m trying to make sense of this previous year. It’s been surprising and not as scripted. Having left the college I set up ACEC, a ministry towards those who no longer go to church, and it was a flop. Nobody came, though I put a time and some money into the preparation. It seemed that I had taken the wrong approach. Yes, I was disappointed, but refrained from asking the Lord too many questions. A few, certainly, but then you need to get on with it. He doesn’t owe me explanations. I decided to shelve the ACEC idea for a while and find ways in making some income.

Jeanne, my wife, had finished a fabulous story for children called Eloise, the Witch and the Wordsmith. It is too good a story to remain hidden. We decided to self-publish. Using Jeanne’s narrating skills, the musical talents of one of our sons, a young Christian illustrator plus IT skills in our extended family, it now is on the internet as a beautiful multimedia production.

The next surprise came because of some reading I did followed by a particular discussion. Suddenly I felt inspired to write a novel for youth and did over a period of a few months. It’s called The Riddle of Shalomat. I cannot believe that I would have achieved this without support of the Holy Spirit. The novel isn’t explicitly Christian but seeks to help young people in discussing worldviews. I wrote, Jeanne edited, and we selfpublished under a pen name. A great read it is, I’m told by young people and adults alike. You can google both titles and find the related websites easily enough.

All of this meant work, something I enjoy. Still, why did Jeanne and I embark on these projects? Why did we take these calculated risks that lead us out of our comfort zone? Probably because we felt that one’s creativity and skills need to be honoured and expressed if at all possible. So much art and talent never properly sees the light of day in our modern society. Controlled distribution systems that are selective and require a lot of money make it hard. We decided to take the plunge into internet publishing, a new venture, and if it works out we shall do well. If all goes pear-shaped, we’ll see again. Taking life on wholeheartedly is more important than success. According to Elton Trueblood the word moderation is not in the Bible. He was of course referring to those positive qualities in life that are God-given and good. He also quotes Hugh Walpole with the line: ‘Tisn’t life that counts; it’s the courage you bring to it.’ Life abundantly – not life with goods abundantly per se – is the preferred spiritual life.

And now, I’m facing my ‘demons’. Have we been stupid? Will we be out of our depth? Perhaps you could add a line or two. Life is exciting and uncertain and not quite what I had in mind a year ago. I was going to focus mostly on the Lord’s business. Perhaps I missed the signposts. I don’t believe so for life hasn’t got such demarcations, a separation between the spiritual and mundane. All is spiritual to the spiritual person. More likely, the Lord is quite pleased to have me in a position where I’m not fully sure of myself. It urges me to seek his face.

Reading about the Desert Fathers and Mothers I have often wondered what it was that happened to them when they were fighting the devil, as they called it, in their simple dwellings away from society. Perhaps it had something to do with the fears and egocentric needs in each of us; fears of insecurity, needs for identity and power, to mention but a few. There are so many of them. Those desert dwellers were facing down that what kept their soul in bondage. They did so at an advanced level. To become truly whole needs deep spiritual surgery by the Lord. They sought to be changed completely, to be liberated, and only God can bring that about. They longed to become free and gain a different perspective on life, an understanding of human existence as God looks at it. It was quite a struggle. Shades of it are found in every Christian who takes sanctification seriously.

I am not confronting my limitations that deeply. But neither do I seek to avoid those powers within that unnerve me. If they show up in my contemplation it is because the Lord reveals them. I am invited to face them with faith and if that’s asking too much, I should tell the Lord and be at his mercy. Perhaps he decides on a mini Dark Night of the Soul to accomplish his work, or whatever. He’s the Master. When Jesus promised to set me free, he meant freedom from being persecuted by controlling dynamics within me that belong to my fallen human self. This self dictates my thinking and how I should live in negative ways. It ruthlessly exploits my anxieties and doubts and takes my joy away. This is a different reality from the one in which I am being liberated by God, whole and free and fully human. It’s the oppressor and I need to put my spiritual weight against it. I must not be cowed.

Years ago I would have decided to faith myself out of such feelings. I would say ‘be gone’ to my fears and get into action. That worked okay up to a point, as does the power of positive thinking. But these days such isn’t enough to satisfy my spiritual quest. Now I seek to come to rest before the Lord first, like the Desert Fathers, and then face the adversary. I believe that from a peace that passes understanding new ability will flow. Somehow the days are different once having tasted the rest of God. It’s wonderful when it works, and worth fighting for when it doesn’t. This necessary struggle I frequently seem to lose. The history of the saints shows that I’m in good company.

You may have heard of The Cloud of Unknowing. This little book advises on finding God through quiet loving attention rather than with words and thinking. Leave you ideas and problems behind, it suggests. Don’t bring anything to the encounter but your desire for the Lord. Forget about the world for a while and even yourself. Try not to understand God – just be with him. Don’t say a word, not even in your mind. Your spiritual gaze seems to be looking into a cloud. A cloud that hides a divine reality you may pierce only by God’s grace. If ever that happens you will discover a little of God’s nature in ways that you can never properly explain. When St John of the Cross encourages us towards this experience he stressed to come before the Lord with nada, nada, nada – nothing, nothing, nothing. Leave it all behind. This is not a method of prayer many of us are familiar with. It doesn’t suit everyone either. It’s very liberating though - just being - not doing anything, but being quiet. Forget about your problems and your questions, which seems a strange solution to the western person who approaches matters of importance and difficulty with the need for intense activity.

Such encounters aren’t just stillness without spiritual dynamics either. Things are happening even if they may not seem to. Sometimes I get an insight, at other times I don’t. Only once, for a moment, was I allowed to pierce the cloud. I’m not really sure I seek that. It’s such a shock to the system. I have no ambitions to be a spiritual giant, it costs too much. The importance for me is in the journey rather than in obvious results. Although the journey is working itself out in my life in fine ways.

So now I’m sitting at home trying to still my house within. It’s not working today. It worked well a few days ago when the Lord almost personalised some of my fears to me as entities. He told me to face them down and I did. I will keep doing so with his help. They lie to me and keep me from clearly seeing my new creation existence in Jesus. This is a business that requires care and spiritual pride can come in easily. It’s another one of those traps. Discernment is of the essence. As Merton said, humility, obscurity and emptiness are the safeguards.

Arriving at The Cloud of Nada, Nada, (I made that wording up, but you would understand now what I mean), is the place where if something makes no sense, there is no need for it to do so. God’s hidden presence is sense enough. His hidden ways of healing are more than sufficient. His love is known rather than felt. His freedom is my invitation. I’m not sure how you relate to what I’ve explained. Let me know, if you feel that might be helpful.

Michael Spyker