The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."

"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.

"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."

"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.

On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed.

"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.

"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"

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Some Good Ol' Plain Advice :

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Never kick a cow pie on a hot day.

When you've raised your children, stop raising them.

Need rain? Wash and wax the car.

If someone offers a breath mint, take it.

Never fry bacon in the nude.

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A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over a year since I first came in here. . ."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

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Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate :

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

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PUNS :

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.

However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; I'll fit you in... You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

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By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest. ( I only repeated 4 of them)

He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose.

As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but ........ unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Check out the Plan and the Product.

http://www.myberrytree.com/bt27846

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If you would like to be included on my "clean humor" list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with "=Include Me=" as the Subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.