There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn.

Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it, and sat there puffing on it to calm his nerves.

“What happened to that poor guy?” I asked a bystander.

He replied, “Smoke inhalation.”

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A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.

“Oh, I guess the first thing I’ll do is go and pay a few bills”

“And what about the rest?”, the reporter asks.

Farmer shrugs. “Well, I guess they’ll just have to wait”

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A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother”.

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ONE LINERS :

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

The boy’s about as sharp as a bowlin’ ball.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”

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Check out the Plan and the Product.

http://www.myberrytree.com/bt27846

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If you would like to be included on my “clean humor” list, send a blank email to jhmaida[at]hotmail.com with “=Include Me=” as the Subject. I do not write the jokes. I only pass on the ones I think are funny. Laughter is good for the immune system.

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