14.1.02

Dear Rowley,

I have not told my story to anyone before. I do so in recognition that it may add one more quiver to your bow in your targeting an area of real failure in the Christian church.

We were invited to ____ Baptist in 198__. It was a traditional Baptist Church and had some lovely Christian people in the congregation. The church had just removed a Pastor 12 months prior the reasons for doing so was "confidential" to the Diaconate .He was one of a number of short term pastors that had come and gone from the church in recent years.

The two elders: one a high profile missionary leader (with a spurious "doctorate" ) with a strong "image" paradigm, the other an administrator recently retired from Telstra with a major emphasis on tidy administration. The 'missionary' elder had became the Interim Pastor between pastoral appointments and was positioned with much influence in the life of the church. The diaconate consisted of mostly middle management males who had grown up in the church.

Less than 25% of the congregation turned up for my induction and life began at ____. I sensed strong control from the leadership from the beginning and felt this was not a good place to be. The church allowed me to take time to upgrade my studies.I completed them in two years and was subsequently ordained.

The church began to grow with some disenfranchised Christians from other churches enjoying my preaching , but mostly from conversions (some of them from a very sinful backgrounds) who began to take up most of our time. A good music /worship team was formed. Through these first two years I had enjoyed a relatively good relationship with the leaders; weekend retreats, visits to other churches, studying together what it means to be a leader etc. However as more, new "different" people entered the life of the church the problems slowly began. The leaders seemed to isolate themselves from me and the leadership meetings became a strain.

A number of the deacons were unhappy that I had stopped visiting them and other long term members of the congregation and had been discusssing the issue with the missionary elder, who did not pass the information on to me. I was a self-confessed administrative disaster and even though I had informed this to the leaders before I began there they just could not cope with the pieces of paper going astray.... to them it was a major problem. None of them at any time came to me about these issues, but complained to the elder The issue of evangelism and befriending the "different" new Christians was a major issue; the leaders not inviting the new folk home out of fear of the effect it might have on their children, and an increasing expression from the new folk that the leadership group did not make them feel welcome.

Another issue was my income. It was at a clerical level suggested by the Baptist Union; we had five children and the salary was tied into the missionary giving; it decreased so did the Pastor's salary. I began to do part time work on my free time, the leadership vocalizing their disapproval: "I should trust the Lord". I asked then if they would mind if I started my own small business to supplement my income - no!

>From my side was a continuing problem with depression. At 19 I contracted

meningitis and have suffered recurring bouts of severe depression since then. I fought the diagnosis of "severe endogenous depression" with four qualified practitioners till I eventually agreed with the diagnosis and have to stay on medication probably for the rest of my life. So during this time with the church I was in my own private hell. It was hard enough to stop throwing myself in front of a truck before getting into the pulpit let alone achieve the mundane and not understanding the dilemma of spirituality and depression. Our doctor who attended the church diagnosed that I had a breakdown and I was given some time off although expected to attend the services because the manse was next door to the church. (he subsequently believed that I had deceived him in order to get my own way). I am also the adult child of an alcoholic with definite messianic drives that are not always godly. My eldest son had begun doing drugs and petty theft and we were regularly before the courts with him.

I attended during this time a pastor's group set up by a Christian leader which met monthly. The meetings were good but the dynamics focussed around the leader. Little seemed to be achieved in support outside of the group except the leader's one-to-one counselling. I set up a regular breakfast support thing with the Senior Pastor from a local Presbyterian Church and a lecturer from a Bible College. The time was spent with them discussing the problems in their church and they didn't seem to agree with me that we are as stuffed up as the members of our congregations and need to be open with each other in our struggles and encourage one another to grow. They continued at the superficial level and it folded.

Eventually we were asked to leave the _____ Baptist church, all the mediating being done by the missionary elder and another leader. I was never at any stage allowed to speak to the membership myself. I was told by a member of the Theological College Board, who attended there, that when I left that I would never get another Pastorate.

After this decision not one member of the Pastoral Group contacted me and the only ones who helped us move were the new converts. The church members made me feel like a leper. Since then I have attended 5 churches one of them Anglican , another charismatic. The stigma seemed to follow: "failed pastor". The leadership paradigms toward me were tolerance and distance, not grace.

During these last 14 years I have become very disillusioned with the "Christian Ministry" and have seen cloaked behaviour by pastors that I deeply struggle with. When I began to attend my home church where I now live where I had been on the Pastoral team and committee to set up a Christian School to buy land in the early '80s I was completely ignored by the Pastor. Some of the members of the congregation confronted him as to why there had not even been a mention in the bulletin of our arrival. I left after two months; it wasn't a wise move anyway. We began at the Anglican church across the river and the after three weeks I was confronted by the Rector and warned not to set up a break away group.

After leaving the Baptist Church where I pastored I began a small business and turned over $500,000 in the second year of trading. A large Australian company stole my patent, copied the product and we had to file for bankruptcy losing everything we owned including our house. I did post graduate studies in marketing and tried to break into the marketing world for about five years but like thousands of other anglo-saxon males I was unwanted. A number of times I was approached by a church re pastoring and everything seemed to go well until they contacted the former church, then it all fell apart. I ventured into a partnership with another Christian man and that too failed. At the moment I have started a business again which seems to be going steady, and a small Baptist asked me to take on the weekend services for them and I have added to that some of my own visiting . That was fourteen months ago and the group is slowly growing. We have a goal of having no goals, but to create a safe place where people can come, not feel threatened, hear the Word of God and just let's see what happens.

I don't enjoy the Ministry. I do it because people like and appear to benefit from my preaching . They don't want me to leave and I don't want to let them down. Some new non-church folk have began to come.

I remain a Christian only because of the solid historicity of Jesus and I see the gospel at work in my wife, children, and some other Christians. I struggle immensely with theodicy albeit I have a pretty good grasp on the message of Job. I continue to commit myself to the immense struggle to grow through personal reading and reflection and prayer. Depression is my closest companion. I have no contact with any of the other clergy, nor they with me. All of my attempts to create friendships with clergy in the past have not been reciprocated and I am not going to attempt it again (I agree that is not a godly attitude). One of our boys told us three weeks ago that he was sexually molested while we were at the Baptist church where I pastored, and has not wanted to tell us so we would not be hurt. The wife of my second eldest son left him just before Christmas. So at the moment both my wife and I feel pretty crushed. We have a wonderful family of children and are about to adopt a boy who entered our family about 8 years ago. Even though I am a minister myself, I would not go to another to share my heart with. I know there are competent men out there; I know a few who are in [our State capital city] ....... but not where I'm living. I have no confidence in the Christian Ministry generally and I believe at a pragmatic level the church in Australia is not functioning, because the clergy aren't , myself being one of them.

Rowley forgive the negative nature of my story, but I tell it as it happened.

May God give you wisdom in your calling - you need lots of it.

Regards,

'Bill'.