'You're a liar!' is one of the commonest retorts/mantras in adversarial contexts on Usenet newsgroups. Its use is not confined to one people-group: both 'Christians' and atheists, for example, may use it as a put-down in equal measure. In another thread ('A Mormon Odyssey') there was an interesting discussion on how common 'lying' is in real life. Jani's point in that thread is that it happens all the time everywhere, by everyone. Chuck disagreed at some points. Now, I'd say that lying does happen all the time, but I'd want to distinguish between white/grey/black lies and, especially, here, 'lies' which are told in social situations as a ploy to avoid the discussion going any further in a particular direction. Example 1: In a marriage counseling session which is quite tense her lips begin to tremble. He: 'Is something wrong?' She: 'No.' Here 'no' means 'yes' plus - and this is important - 'I'm not ready to get in touch with my grief/pain/sadness at this point.' Lie? Yes, and no, if you complete the sentence as I have. Example 2: He (roughly): 'Do you want to have sex tonight?' She (fearfully): 'Yes'. Here again 'yes' means 'no' plus: 'My fear of your retribution/violence is such that I will do whatever it takes to please you.' In these two common examples, a 'lie' is a cover for pain/fear when to elaborate might increase that pain or fear. In counseling I would not put the word 'lie' onto those two responses. It's like when I used to teach English, and tell my students that every sentence must have a finite verb/subject/predicate etc. but what's the v/s/p/ in a one-word sentence like 'Yes!'? Answer, of course: the rest of the sentence is 'understood'. Same on an emotional level. [Example 3: 'Santa Claus is coming at Christmas-time with some presents if you've been good.' Lie? Yes, and no. which raises perennial issues about children and mythologies.] Back to counseling: do clients always tell a counselor the truth? Yes, and no and sometimes. If they're an unwilling client (often the case with males 'dragged along to get fixed' by their disgruntled spouses) often not. But experienced counselors have learned to do the necessary blame-free prompting to get at the truth. In my experience, clients who come willingly for counseling, and at some cost in financial/time/emotional terms, will always tell the truth as they understand it - but only after sufficient time and trust - and shame-free grace-responses. The most gratifying statement a counselor can hear And if they are assured they can 'pass' on any issue they're not yet ready to talk about. -- Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher
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