'A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..." "Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."'

'Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?'

'How do you get a Highlander onto the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.'