Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news. Patient: What’s the good news? Doctor: The good news is that the tests you took showed that you have 24 hours to live. Patient: That’s the good news? What’s the bad news? Doctor: The bad news is that I forgot to call you yesterday!

****

Wife: I have some good news and some bad news. Husband: What’s the good news? Wife: The good news is I found a picture that’s worth $500,000. Husband: Wow! That’s wonderful! What’s the bad news? Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!

****

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

****

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Patient: What’s the good news? Doctor: The good news is they are naming a disease after you!

****

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

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