(Notes handed out at a Baptist Pastoral Leaders'/Spouses' conference in Melbourne, Victoria, June 1, 2009).

BRINGING UP PASTORS' KIDS (by a sometimes inadequate pastor/father):

Here's a short summary of a few bits of wisdom I've learned from my own sometimes painful experience, and also heard in many John Mark Ministries' retreats with pastors and their spouses:

1. The emotional well-being of children is closely correlated with that of their parents - in any culture. When parents deeply love each other and model healthy reconciliation/forgiveness/conflict-resolving habits their children will be happier/more secure. Pastors' spouses may not have a 'shared call' but if they are not supportive of their partner's call to pastoral ministry, that's serious. Facebook slogan: 'Happily married to my best friend!' If any of this is a problem, the best advice is to seek non-judgmental counselling and have a marriage check-up. [1]

2. The best start in life is offered by a nurturing mother (and father, in that order) who regards mothering as her primary preoccupation. [2]

In a healthy family children are loved unconditionally in spite of their successes/failures; they have parents who expect obedience to reasonable commands; you do not do too much for children that they can do for themselves; they are taught to serve others: ie. they have jobs to do and disciplines to learn; they see modelled healthy problem-solving behaviours by the Big People; they have a deep sense of 'belonging'; the children learn accountability (eg. by viewing their computer in a public area of the home); and they have good and regular ways to do reality-checking with their parents and other adults (the best/biblical model is the extended family).

3. The key person for 11-14 year-olds is their father. He and other adult male friends and family-members intentionally initiate sons into manhood. And their positive feedback to the developing womanhood of their daughters is crucial to a girl's self-esteem. [3] A father who works more than roughly 50-55 hours a week apart from the family (in a home or church office) can't do fathering adequately, says Steve Biddulph (and I agree). There are many helpful articles by wise pastors and church consultants on topics such as 'Is that committee-meeting really necessary?' 'Do you have to go out again?' etc. [4]

4. Your theological stance is less important than your personal (and noticeable) allegiance to Christ. Your kids unanimously affirm that you love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and that you love God more than you love ministry. Whatever your doctrinal belief-system, (only?) two powerful drivers are important: you believe Jesus Christ is the unique revelation of God to humankind, modeling grace and truth (in that order); Jesus is (your) Lord. Your children will be encouraged to question your Christian faith. Almost the worst thing you can say to an intelligent kid: 'Don't ask questions, just believe!' That betrays your insecurity, and your children may despise both you and your belief-system. Humble parents are always growing intellectually/ theologically, and may learn a lot from the questions of their children.

5. Find a mentor/spiritual director/supervisor, with whom you can discuss regularly and honestly such issues as 'Do my children know I'm more excited about being their Dad/Mum than being a pastor/pastor's spouse?' The best way to learn integrity is to confess one's faults/sins to someone who prays with us for our healing (James 5:16).

6. Honour special events in the children's lives - birthdays, school awards nights, sporting events, Christmas, holidays etc.

7. ? (you fill in the rest)

8. ?

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/

[1] 'Enriching our Marriage' - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/16495.htm

[2] Why God Made Mothers (sermon by Jan Croucher) - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/4880.htm Another - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/2672.htm

[3] 'Absent Fathers Lost Children' -http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/16408.htm Men - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/4851.htm

[4] You'll find many here - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/catalog/section/lt1.htm

Especially 'Stealing in the Lord's Name' by John Mallison - http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/16000.htm

*****

And here are some comments from Facebook friends:

* I would add, "Make sure you have fun family holidays together" - this is where many happy family memories are made. Also, make sure you turn the mobile phone off when on holidays!

* I'm a minister's kid, which is what inspired me to read this note! i think one important challenge for children of a spiritual leader is the huge pressure/expectation placed on the children by the community their parent(s) lead. This can be crushing, and very difficult, as the people tend not to relate to who you are, but to who they have created you to be in their own imaginations.

* Boundaries can be added to several of the dot points: when to answer the phone or not, being fully present when actually with your kids is important. Cos 'ministry' and life overlap a lot, it's key to then have boundaries- times for just kids, not others around- especially important in a more 'community' house style 'vicarage'.

Though 'mInistry overlap' is good too- having kids around when you DO welcome strangers into the home etc

* Totally agree. Kids miss not having the presence of the father in the house, on the weekends esp on Saturdays. My wife and I have noticed years ago that discipline problems are a minimal concern when we are 'present' to our kids and meeting their emotional needs - which is usually related to spending time with them... My kids attend the church I was formally at as a lay member while I minister in another church. It works well; they get to attend the church they like (my old one) and don't have to be anyone except themselves. In the book by Tim Kimmel, Why Xn Kids Rebel, he says the most important thing is that the man is around and has an authentic, grace filled, rel'sthip with Christ and is not focused on behaviour (legalism), but the broad principles of Xn faith. When the kids act up or get tatts, its a symptom of the absent or legalistic father, or hypocritical father whose attitudes and behaviour are inconsistent with values.

* As a minister/ manager of a christian organisation, my dad worked too hard - still does. Don't think men should have children if they're not gonna spend time with them - why not be an uncle to your single mum friends' kids or coach a kids soccer team instead!... Dad did his best given his upbringing ... Read Morethough, so hopefully I've learned a few things for when I ever have children of my own. Dad and I are still struggling to communicate today. It's still a journey for us. I guess that's what I would add: Don't give up on your kids, be their friend and continue to show them unconditional love, even if you've stuffed things up earlier on. If you're honest and gentle, they might actually forgive you.

* Good book for MK's 'Third Culture Kids' It is hard to get but I borrowed it through SIL friends. When kids came home with MAF from Wewak, no visitors were arranged in this period. Upset the fish heads sometimes.

* I witnessed my dad's prayer and devotional life, especially through some tough and unfair pastoral situations in his ministry. I have no doubt that this affected and influenced my own deep convictions and my own ministry within my home and in the church. Prayer and understanding biblical ideas are part of my relationship with my kids, but mainly Im just their dad who can fail with the best of them.

* Point number 1 is so true, as I reflect on yelling at my 17yo daughter last night - not because she was very wrong but because I was too tired. Emotional well being for mum and dad ... and mum and dad's relationship ... is really important.