MOTHERING - Sermon preached at Mitcham Baptist - Mothers' Day 2002

SCRIPTURE PASSAGE 2 Tim 1:1-14

POINT OF CONTACT

i) The inevitable quotes and overheads - Gore Vidal - Never have children, only grandchildren. Bill Cosby - Parenting can be learned only by people who have no children, and You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going. Another: What my mother taught me about JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they are just like you..then you'll see what it's like. Finally - 'If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?' But best - An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. ii) The Queen Mother - our thoughts of her iii) Your mother - similarities - the legacy she left - think of the way you were mothered

INTRODUCTION

Three types of mothers - very poor mothers - those who neglect their children - poor mothers - those who were often poorly mothered themselves - good or 'good enough' mothers - those who did their best

TOPIC - FOCUS ON MOTHERING - what it means to have been well mothered and is it too late?

i) the above list did not include perfect mothers - why? Because there are none - even though most of us set out to be perfect mothers ii) the dictionary defines 'mothering' as 'caring for'

SCRIPTURE PASSAGE

2 Tim 1:1-14 (The Message)

It's obvious that Timothy experienced good mothering and grandmothering, but the hole in his life was no father or an absent father and Paul very adequately filled that hole.

LET'S LOOK MORE CLOSELY AT OUR OWN MOTHERING

Cloud and Townsend (the authors of 'Boundaries') have written an excellent book titled 'The Mum Factor'. There's no doubt that one of the most important people in our lives is 'Mum'.

For some of us the word means protection and nurture, but for others it means conflict and problems.

Now this book states at the outset that it is not into 'parent bashing', where every negative thing is the fault of our parents, but rather into grieving and forgiving, then taking responsibility for our side of the problem, thus experiencing unlimited growth. It deals with the importance of making emotional connections then proceeding to leaving and cleaving

The emphasis is on the need for both love and limits. Love enables bonding. Limits develop responsibility. It shows how we can find ways of completing what is missing.

My friend Ali - so badly mothered. I'm simply trying to fill in the hole and provide the love and the listening ear that she never had. Many of you may also be doing this type of thing.

But before we can be secure enough to help another it may be that we need some holes filled ourselves. This can only happen if we are ready to seek help. It need not be professional help. A non-Christian psychiatrist once said that if we Christians only realised it we have the most perfect organisation to do him out of a job - the church - the place where people are able to be part of a community of love, where they have support and understanding and above all fellowship - the sharing of grief and pain of joy and achievement, the place of the listening ear. The place where we discover the forgiveness of sin.

THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH

Have you found a trusted friend within the church fellowship with whom you can share at depth and know you are still loved - with whom you can journey and not be condemned?

Sometimes the way we were mothered prevents us from seeking help. By dealing with the past we are not saying to go back into the past or even into yesterday. But whether we like it or not our mother lives with us every day in the present. And some, our mothers taught us to put on a victorious face and never share our problems.

So the first issue is to do with the feelings we have for our mother and the second is the patterns of relating that we learned in our relationship with mum

1. Feelings - illustration of Jim and Debbie - p16 - both in love but as they grew closer he would explode in rage if Debbie asked if he had been able to do a certain job.

What had happened? As Jim's attachment to his wife increased his unresolved feelings about his mother began to emerge. His anger toward his mother and his feelings of being controlled, mistrusted and dominated got misplaced onto Debbie. Psychologists call this 'transference'.

Jim needed to deal with these unresolved feelings because they were distorting other relationships. The Bible calls it forgiveness, which involves looking honestly at problems in a relationship, facing them, letting them go, and grieving our losses. It frees us from the past. John 8:32: 'Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free'. V36- 'So if the Son sets you free you shall be free indeed'.

2. Patterns of relating- illustration of Dave and Cindy - p13 - Cindy had prepared a special meal to celebrate an anniversary and longed to follow it with sharing and with intimacy, but Dave couldn't handle it

In his relationship with his mother Dave had learned that closeness could be dangerous. When he was scared or hurt, his mother would become anxious and fuss over him to the point of smothering, so that when his wife moved toward him in an emotional way, his walls went up and he braced him self against over-involvement. This pattern would continue until Dave dealt with his fears of intimacy

HOW THE CHURCH CAN HELP - an example

Jody was a diligent mother of 2 - loved them, they disorganised, rooms chaotic, she yelled, they showed signs of anxiety, she became guilt ridden Jody began to talk to a trusted friend about her problem. Susan responded with empathy and understanding, so Jody began to share other shortcomings. Susan accepted both, something her mother had been unable to do. A good mother accepts the negative and helps her child not to feel overwhelmed. She is comfortable with her child's imperfections. The mothering process of acceptance integrates the child. Susan had given to Jody what her mother had failed to give. This is what friends do for each other every day

ASSUMPTIONS

1. There is no such thing as the 'good child' and the 'bad mum'. Mothers do fail in being all that they need to be. Some fail in being almost anything that they need to be. Still others do a pretty good job and just leave a few things undone or in need of fixing. But children have defensive and inappropriate responses as well and adult children need to shoulder much of the responsibility. Our responsibility is to grieve and forgive so that then we may be healed of whatever our mother did wrong.

2. We need love and limits along each step. Our mother needed to be loving so that we learned to bond with others, and our mother needed to set limits so that we learned to shoulder our own responsibilities. If we missed out on one or the other we need to find a way of completing what is missing.

JOHN 10:10 - I have come that YOU may have life and have it to the full!

HOW THEN DO WE GAIN the resources to reach for wholeness

Two Ways

a) by identifying our unmet needs and by filling those unmet needs in healthy, life changing ways with the help of others b) by allowing God to transform us

TRANSFORMATION

I said at the outset that this book dealt with grieving and forgiving. I hope we have gone a little way toward understanding the grieving. Now I want to look at forgiving

FORGIVENESS

In Yancey's book 'What's So Amazing About Grace', he admits that grace is unfair. It is unreasonable to expect a woman to forgive the terrible things her father did to her just because he apologises many years later, and its totally unfair to ask that a mother overlook the many offences her teenage son committed. Grace however is not about fairness.

Our experience of forgiveness in Coventry and then in Israel. Ungrace is like the background static of life for families, nations and institutions. It is our natural human state.

JOSEPH'S STORY - the story of his reconciliation with his brothers

? one moment harsh - throwing brothers into jail ? another full of sorrow ? then played tricks on them ? seized one as hostage

Finally Joseph, after maybe months or years, could restrain himself no longer and forgave them - dramatically. These brothers had bullied him, had cooked up schemes to murder him, had sold him into slavery. Because of them Joseph had spent the best years of his life molding away in an Egyptian dungeon. Though he went on to triumph over adversity and wanted with all his heart to forgive them, the wound still hurt too much and it took time to do it.

When grace finally broke through to Joseph the sound of his grief and love echoed throughout the palace.

The very taste of forgiveness seems somehow to be wrong. Even when we have committed something wrong, we want to earn our way back to the injured person's good graces. Despite a hundred sermons on forgiveness we do not forgive easily, nor find ourselves easily forgiven.

In a world that runs by the laws of ungrace, Jesus demands a response of forgiveness. So urgent is this need for forgiveness that it takes precedence over everything: 'Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and then remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled and then come and offer your gift.

ONLY THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING FORGIVEN MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR US TO FORGIVE

Helmut Thielicke, a German who lived through the horrors of Nazism said: 'This business of forgiving is by no means a simple thing.We say: 'Very well, if the other fellow is sorry and begs my pardon, I will forgive him.' We make a law of reciprocity which never works because we each wait for the other to make the first move.

He concluded that the only remedy was his realisation that God had forgiven his sins and given him another chance. Breaking the cycle of ungrace means taking the initiative, because God's initiative lies at the heart of the gospel that Thielicke had been preaching but not practising.

At the centre of Jesus' parables of grace stands a God who takes the initiative towards us: a lovesick father who runs to meet the prodigal, a landlord who cancels a debt too large for any servant to reimburse, an employer who pays eleventh hour workers the same as the first hour crew, a banquet giver who goes out onto the streets in search of undeserving guests.

JESUS BROKE FOREVER THE CHAIN OF UNGRACE

When I do say: 'I forgive you', there is something in me that still wants to hear the words that I was right after all. I still seem to put even subconsciously a condition on my words

BUT GOD'S FORGIVENESS IS UNCONDITIONAL. SUCH IS HIS LOVE FOR ME

It comes from a heart that demands nothing for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It demands that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels wronged. I discovered some admonitions in Romans 12 - Hate evil, be joyful, live in harmony, do not be conceited ... then 'Do not take revenge, my friend...it is mine to avenge; I will repay' etc. By forgiving , I release my own right to avenge and leave it to God to work it out.

When Joseph finally came to the place of forgiving his brothers (and here is the recognition that forgiveness takes time), the hurt did not disappear, but the burden of being their judge fell away.

Only by knowing we are so totally loved by God do we have the resource to truly forgive. Some of you are weighed down by sorrow over the lack of good mothering in your life. In the fellowship of the church I urge you to find a trusted friend with whom you can share and cry and to whom you can report on your journey toward forgiveness. It is at this point that we discover transformation, the filling of a void that has eaten into our lives, that has caused depression and anger, frustration and bitterness. God's love for you is such that he forgives and he heals.

The fortunate ones among us may agree with Abraham Lincoln who said: 'All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. No one is poor who has a Godly mother'. Or with George Washington:' I attribute all my success in life to the moral and intellectual education which I received from my mother.' It may be Mark Twain's comment that best fits you: 'My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.'

May this Mothers' Day be one where you can grieve your losses and forgive your mother, but one too where you are able to discover the true nature of the Church which is a community of love in which you can find someone whom you can trust to help fill in the holes left by your mother, who, like you, did not experience perfect mothering either.

By recognising this I believe we can truly honour our mother and our father as the Scriptures require.

Rev. Jan Croucher