Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected, provided it is received with thanksgiving; (1 Timothy 4:4)

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you... Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine... How beautiful you are, my love, how very beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, moving down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them is bereaved. Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. Your neck is like the tower of David, built in courses; on it hang a thousand bucklers, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies. (Song of Songs 4:7, 1:2, 4:1-5)

My beloved is all radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside springs of water, bathed in milk, fitly set. His cheeks are like beds of spices, yielding fragrance. His lips are lilies, distilling liquid myrrh. His arms are rounded gold, set with jewels. His body is ivory work, encrusted with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set upon bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His speech is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. (Song of Songs 5:10-16)

When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be charged with any related duty. He shall be free at home one year, to be happy with the wife whom he has married. (Deuteronomy 24:5) Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that are given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9) Husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself... Each of you should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:28,33)

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from fornication; that each one of you know how to control your own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one wrong or exploit a brother or sister in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, just as we have already told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God did not call us to impurity but in holiness. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7)

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

.....

Sex is a dynamic force in our lives and in our culture. Our society is obsessed with sex, but there is gross ignorance about 'good sex'. Young people are under great sexual pressure - from peers ('you haven't done it yet?'), and from the media and entertainment industries - to 'do what comes naturally'. 'If it feels good, why not?' In the old days there were three fears which inhibited sex before or outside marriage - fears of detection, infection, and conception. Except for the second, with the prevalence of AIDS, those fears have been neutralized with greater modern mobility and access to contraception.

Someone has summarized the Christian teaching about sex in four propositions: God's standards are right for us; God's standards are good for us; God's standards are difficult for us; and God's standards are possible for us.

The Bible is clear that chastity outside marriage and fidelity inside marriage are God's intention for us. Selfish or unhealthy sex is a distortion of God's will for us, destroying intimacy and sometimes becoming addictive. The biblical writers are unanimously against fornication (which may refer to immorality generally, but specifically sexual relations between an unmarried person with someone of the opposite sex), adultery (sexual relations with someone other than one's spouse) and homosexual practice.

Now Christians have differing views on what all this means for us today. An American Presbyterian Church report asserts that because sexual gratification is a human need and right, it ought not be limited to heterosexual spouses or bound by 'conventional' morality. A couple of decades ago a British Quaker report said something similar: sexual behaviour ought not to be governed by rules or laws. Those who espouse so-called 'new morality' ethics say 'nothing is prescribed except love'.

At the other end of the spectrum are the Pharisees who are utterly prescriptive and highly selective in their indignation against sins of the flesh rather than sins of the spirit. Jesus got very angry with this sort of hypocrisy.

Chastity and fidelity are prescribed in the Old Testament, and it's interesting that our Lord (a celibate single) made it even tougher: we are to keep to these not just in deed, but also in thought. When the tempting thought is nourished into covetous desire, adulterous transgression is at work, as it is at the end of that road in genital intercourse. That's frankly pretty hard, with the sort of films we see, and the freedom single adults have these days.

But God is no wowser. He's made us as sexual beings. Nowhere does the Bible say 'sex is sinful'. The very first commandment says 'Be fruitful and multiply' - ie, 'Have sex!' God's in favour of sex. He doesn't make laws to spoil our fun but to protect us from our worst selves and our potential for self-destruction, and to provide stable, loving homes in which children can be secure and grow into emotionally healthy adults. A book Sex and Culture by J D Unwin, examines 80 different societies and 16 'civilizations' throughout 4000 years of history and comes to this conclusion: 'Any human society is free to choose either to display great energy or to enjoy sexual freedom; the evidence is that it cannot do both for more than one generation.' [30]

These biblical standards are difficult for us. But in the ministry of Jesus we hear him saying to a woman caught in the act of adultery: 'I do not condemn you; go and sin no more.' Moralistic wowsers - then and now - either cannot say with conviction 'Neither do I condemn you' - or they reverse the order ('When you repent and behave yourself we will stop condemning you!). Be like Jesus: have a clear understanding about what God wants, but also a strong love for all who have sinned. Avoid the disease of 'moralism' like the plague! The Samaritan woman had had five husbands, and the man she was living with was not legally married to her, but although Jesus knew this and told the woman he knew it, she stayed and talked with him. Prostitutes knew Jesus loved them. He did not approve of their lifestyle, but he honoured them as people. It would be good if Christians followed his example.

So our sexuality must be held in tension between law and love. Law is to love what railway tracks are to the train: the tracks give direction, but all the propulsive power is in the train.

Jesus and Paul introduced a new ethic of love into male-female relationships. Jesus, unlike his religious male contemporaries, treated women with great respect. Paul exhorted husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (and gave his life for it, Ephesians 5:25). Peter similarly commanded husbands to treat their wives with understanding and respect (1 Peter 3:7).

Psychologists suggest that many male-female relationships are based on a 'sex-love bargain'. He wants sex, she wants love, and one is given for the promise of the other. Which explains why it's most often the male who comes on with the line 'If you really love me you'll do it...!'

When we come to the question 'Well, what part does a physical/sexual relationship play in a friendship between unmarried people?' my response is that of Walter Trobisch in several of his books. If you are committed Christians and heading for marriage all aspects of your relationship - spiritual, emotional, and physical - should be 'in sync'. If one gets ahead of the rest the relationship is awry. Each couple should talk freely and frankly about all this, and realize that, sexually, the woman will usually have her foot somewhere near the brake if he's got his on the accelerator!

To be more specific, as a father giving guidance to our two teenage daughters, I've made this suggestion: 'His hand shouldn't reach beneath your bikini unless and until you are firmly committed to one another and definitely planning marriage. And keep full sexual intercourse for the honeymoon...' Old-fashioned? Well, perhaps. But I've found that Christians who practise this sort of discipline have higher self-respect and are more healthily disciplined in other areas of their lives.

Walter Trobisch (I Married You) suggests six tests of 'true love': the sharing test (the desire to give to the other); the strength test (experiences together help each to have greater spiritual and psychological energy); the respect test (not for the other's giftedness, but for their personhood); the habit test (accepting the other with their habits, rather than wanting to change them); the quarrel test (the most important premarital experience is the ability to forgive and be reconciled); the time test (time to see the other at work and play, in stress and calm, groomed and untidy etc.). Notice SEX IS NO TEST OF LOVE.

So the issue of sex and the single adult is a complex one. I believe sexual satisfaction is not a basic life need. It is a modern myth that the sexual appetite must be satisfied. It doesn't. A commitment to celibacy is OK. Abstinence won't kill you.

There are some dangers in stress-related sexual behaviours. I have known missionaries who have engaged in homosexual/lesbian activity and later regretted it, but they were lonely in the early years of adjusting to a strange culture. An initial decision to avoid homosexual practice is an anchor in times of pressure: make a deliberate decision to abstain from homosexual activity, or heterosexual intercourse outside marriage; such a decision can be a great strength when the test comes. Many who say 'It can't happen to me!' are later disillusioned. When you are lonely or stressed, sexual temptations can be overpowering.

A quote from a doctor who counsels missionaries, Dr. Marjorie Foyle: 'Masturbation, another problem area, is in my view often no more than a pressure cooker blowing off steam. Usually some life adjustment resolves the problem... [in times of tension] the pressure cooker blows: in anger, in masturbation, or in other ways.' ('Overcoming Stress in Singleness', EMQ, April '85, pp. 141-2 [41]). If a habit like masturbation becomes compulsive, get professional advice.

Sex seems to get more people into either joyful ecstasy or deep trouble than any other human experience. When sex is good it's very good, and when it's bad it's awful. In our culture, sex is no longer taboo; the entertainment and advertising industries are sex-saturated. And popular sexual mores have moved well away from Judeo-Christian ethics: someone calculated that 90% of TV references to sexual intercourse depict out-of-marriage experiences.

Here are some notes from my recent counseling (the names and some details have been changed to preserve confidentiality):

* 'Jack and I want to keep full sexual intercourse until we're married - not just because we're Christians and we believe that's right, but it's a 'mystery' and a 'self-respect' thing for us. We want to discover each other slowly, and enjoy the process. But we are finding it hard. We resolve to cuddle each other to a certain point and seem to get carried away. What can we do?'

* Jill and Andrew, married for about five years, had just had a blazing row. She had thrown some plates at him and told him to get out. His mother-in-law suggested they see me. We talked about their histories, the psychological 'baggage' they had brought into their marriage, and their apparently incompatible expectations about some things. And when we came to talking about sex he said 'She is not usually creative, but it's not just the 'headache' excuse - she must have about 100 reasons, or combinations of reasons why we can't have sex tonight. Eventually I get cranky and she gives in grudgingly, and I feel I'm making love to a piece of meat. Why is she like that?' We soon discovered some complex reasons explaining why she was like that: a mix of past bad experiences in her childhood and her failure to resolve her guilt and pain, plus his insensitivity (compounded by problems at work, or rather, lack of work) plus an inability to understand each other's expectations in this complex area.

* Lurline (aged about 30): 'We have different reasons for not enjoying sex: he comes home tired from work, and just dozes off. I'm emotionally drained after caring for our three pre-schoolers, and at night I don't need another demand on my body. What can we do?'

* Tom is about 45, with a bad back, and has just lost his job: 'Our sex-life is almost zero. I can't get an erection, and she puts impossible demands on me, so I just give up.'

* Jane, a pastor's wife (in her fifties): 'I masturbate most Thursdays: that's the day I spend by myself. We enjoy occasional sex but for some reason I need to comfort myself. Why do I do this?'

My estimate would be that only about one in five married couples have what they would regard as a highly satisfactory sexual relationship.

Reasons? Probably the most common are emotional rather than physical causes. If there is unresolved anger or conflict, or one partner feels 'used', or there are lifestyle changes (working late, tiredness from getting up to the kids in the night etc) or some other needs are not met, spouses find themselves creating distance from each other. Often women tell me their man 'wants to experiment' sexually in what to them are repugnant ways, and they react by withholding sex. Physically, maybe she is putting on weight and is less 'attractive', so he ogles other women or comments on the shape of Elle Macpherson, and his wife is further demeaned. Now I believe a husband and wife should do their best to stay healthy and attractive for one another: and if it's a self-esteem problem that's causing the over-eating or the lack of exercise see a counselor. If we don't find intimacy with our spouse, we are vulnerable if another person comes along and 'understands my needs'.

To be honest, Christians throughout history have found sex to be a problem. A US News and World Report article on sex and Christianity began: 'The history of western religion is a dramatic chronicle of conflict between the sexual and spiritual sides of human nature' ('The Gospel on Sex', 10 June 1991, p.59 [20] ). Some of the early church fathers (like Augustine) believed that sex and conception transmitted original sin, so sex was, at best, a necessary evil, for procreation, not pleasure.

But the Bible has a different emphasis. We were created by God with bodies. (When God wanted to communicate with us he came in the person of Jesus, with a human body). When God made us this way he pronounced his creation 'good'. We were made for intimacy, and the trust and self-disclosure involved in a sexual embrace enhances intimacy. Then, as CS Lewis observed somewhere, sexual attraction is the essential spark that gets the engine of marriage going in the first place, even though it is a quieter, steadier agapic love that fuels it for the long run. Eros is an important kind of loving (though dangerous without agape). The Song of Solomon in the Old Testament is a wonderfully erotic love-poem; the church in the New Testament is described as 'the Bride of Christ'. Sex is a good gift - for procreation, yes, and to enhance the intimacy of the man/woman relationship.

What are the ingredients for terrific sex?

1. The couple is committed exclusively to one another (in my view, for life, within a legally-recognized marriage).

2. Sex is more than the 'rub and tickle' of two bodies. A wife told me: 'I wish he knew that foreplay begins in the morning.' The husband's response: 'I reckon sex brings us closer together; she believes it works the other way around - if we felt closer, sex would be better.'

3. Sex is more, much more than romance, but romance 'colours' sex: so soft lighting, quiet mood music, allowing enough time, mutual massaging and stimulation, nice perfumes/after-shave etc. are all nice touches for 'colouring' sex.

4. Talk to one another about what pleases you. You have not inherited an intuitive knowledge about the other gender's body: you have to learn. So don't be bashful about giving information. Read a book every second year about sex and talk about it.

5. If possible, be uninterruptible. Shut the door and lock it. (If necessary, get an intercom to hear the baby, and switch on the telephone-answering machine). John said to me: 'We went on holidays and she wouldn't make love.' Jenny responded: 'It was because the other couple were in the next room, and they would hear everything!' There are some creative ways around that one.

How about non-sexual touch between unmarried males and females? Great - and good - but I frankly think there isn't any such thing between heterosexuals as 'non-sexual touch'. That said, we all need physical touch, but we have to be careful. Even the church at one stage had to define exactly what a 'holy kiss' was. Some women - and men - are not 'huggers', so let us be careful and sensitive to one another's feelings on this score. Some guys I know think they're God's gift to women and go around greeting them with a hug or kiss when it's entirely inappropriate. Some of you girls need to know that when a fellow cuddles you, it may be more of a 'sexual' act for him than for you. Be aware of that possibility.

.....

Sexuality is a figure or symbol of our ultimate destiny with God, because it is a search for the other. We feel that it is not good for us to be alone. We feel mysteriously incomplete, so all our life is a searching for a remembered unity we have never yet known. Sexuality is one of the modes of our search; it is both a symptom of our incompleteness and a sign of our fulfilment. For the Christian, therefore, there are two ingredients in sexual experience. One is clearly a participation in the joy of God. We need not be afraid to rejoice in the pleasures of our bodily nature, but we must remember that these pleasures are the sign and seal of unity, relatedness, bondedness. For the Christian, sex should be a part of a covenant between two persons, because it is a reflection or earthly representation of the Godhead, and it is a reflection or earthly representation of the covenant or marriage between God and his people and Christ and his Church. Sex is the outward and visible sign of the mutual commitment that is achieved in a true relationship.

Richard Holloway, Anger, Sex, Doubt and Death, Great Britain: SPCK, 1992, pp.34-35. [192]

Most people have owned a cheap bomb of a car at least once in their life. My second car, an old Ford station-wagon, fitted that description admirably. Because it wasn't worth that much, I'd lend it to my friends as often as they wanted to use it. But if I owned a brand new Porsche, there's no way I'd lend it out to just anyone. In fact, I'd probably be scared to drive it myself. But I'd certainly have particular guidelines for using something so precious. The media is selling us a cheap old-Ford view of sex. Lend it out whenever, to whomever - it's not worth that much. In contrast, God has a very high view of sex. It is so special and wonderful to him that there are guidelines for its use, so it isn't cheapened and demeaning. For Christians, our sexuality goes well beyond physical gratification. It is intrinsically tied to our being.

Angus McLeay, 'Let's Talk About Sex' in On Being, Vol.19 No.4, May 1992, p.17. [157]

God did not wince when Adam, in seeing Eve, was moved to get close to her. Male and female were created sexual to be sexual together. When Adam and Eve, Ish and Ishsah, clung together in the soft grass of Eden, until wild with erotic passion, and finally fulfilled their love, we may suppose that God looked on and smiled. We may suppose, too, that it never entered God's mind that when those two created beings were sexually aroused they were submitting to a demonic lust percolating up from some subhuman abyss to ensnare their virgin souls. Body-persons have a side to them that is wildly irrational, splendidly spontaneous, and beautifully sensuous. This is not a regrettable remnant of the beast in human beings, a fiendish enemy in humanity's personal, inner cold war. It is a gift that comes along with being body-persons. God did not stick with making angels. God was delighted to have body-persons...

As persons they were [also] summoned to make free decisions of obedience to the God who made them. They were given work to do in the garden so that it would not turn into a jungle. They would exercise responsibility for their whole of the created world. They were then, not to be merely sexual creatures; they were to be sexual persons, responsive to God's will in their development of God's garden; and they were to be in personal communion with each other and their personal Creator.

Lewis Smedes, Sex for Christians, Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdman's Publishing Co. 1976, pp.29-30. [244]

Philosophy is the most practical of all disciplines, because ideas determine in large measure what [we] do. If there is no objective truth about ethics, as millions now believe, there can be no adequate reason to suppose that any one act is better than any other. If all that we have is a set of personal preferences, no solid basis of ethical judgment is possible. Why trust anyone who claims that no ethical proposition is either true or false, but that each is purely personal choice... In many university communities, the combination of ethical relativism and subjectivism is almost universally accepted and accepted without examination or criticism. What this means is that people are convinced that there is no real right independent of subjective wishes. The Golden Rule thus becomes 'There is nothing good or bad but my thinking makes it so.' Since there have always been people in the world who have maintained this position, the novelty appears only in the fact that the number has suddenly been multiplied. The multiplication has been made easier by a combination of Playboy Philosophy and Feminism. In this combination divorce increases enormously because the philosophy makes people feel justified in giving up limits on their freedom.

D. Elton Trueblood, 'The Family in Crisis', Closing address at SBC Convention in Atlanta, Georgia, June 1978, quoted in The Australian Baptist, July 26, 1978, p.7. [204]

In spite of the claims made by sexual utopians in the 1960s, sex is never value-free, never without its human and emotional consequences. Sex may be fun, but it is unpredictable and mysterious fun. Mary Calderone put it well when she said, 'The girl plays at sex, for which she is not ready, because fundamentally what she wants is love; and the boy plays at love, for which he is not ready, because what he wants is sex.' Sex is not just about sex. That is why all societies and religious systems have sought some kind of control and ordering of the thing.

Richard Holloway, Anger, Sex, Doubt and Death, Great Britain: SPCK, 1992, p.53. [104]

[We make a positive idol of sexuality]... by first isolating one dimension [of it] - the genital. Then we expect everything from it that we need to be happy. One harmful illusion is that if we find the one sexual partner made in heaven for us, our genital experience will bring heaven on earth. Of course this places a burden on genital sex that nothing, not even the most ecstatic orgasm in history, can bear. How can you be sure that your partner is giving you everything you really need or might want? Or how can you be sure that you are providing your partner with his or her great expectations? The biblical statement about the folly of trusting idols is an apt warning about illusions concerning sex.

Lewis Smedes, Sex for Christians, Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1976, pp.50-51. [120]

The sexual revolution has exacted a heavy price - particularly from women. Nearly half of the women entering an abortion clinic have had prior abortions. In most cases they are driven to this traumatic 'solution' because the men in their lives have abandoned them and have run from their responsibilities. Rates of pelvic inflammatory disease among women, a leading cause of sterility, have soared in recent years.

As arresting as the numbers are, they give only a hint of the emotional damage. Margaret Liu McConnell, writing in Commentary, referred to the impact of the new sexual ethic on women as a 'demeaning and rather lonely treadmill' of meaningless sexual encounters, unintended pregnancies, and abortions. 'Having premarital sex,' one girl wrote, 'was the most horrifying experience in my life. It wasn't at all emotionally satisfying or the casually taken experience the world perceives it to be. I felt as if my insides were being exposed, and my heart left unattended.'

Josh McDowell and Dick Day, Why Wait? What You Need to Know about the Teen Sexuality Crisis, San Bernadin, Calif: Here's Life Publishers, 1987, p.15. [158]

In a broken-down world, sex invites two extremes: avoidance or worship, The first has to do with fear; the second, lust. In The End of Sex, George Leonard maintains that sexuality, with its powder kegs of guilt and disillusionment, is simply not worth the trouble. Add on top of that the fear of disease, a broken heart, and a failed marriage or two, and sex simply makes people too vulnerable.

The other extreme is excess. The attitude toward sex today is often one of worship. The thirst for intimacy and transcendence, lacking better options, gets routed into the closest thing many can come to a miracle: sex.

When intimacy and community disappear from a culture, sexuality is often pushed past its limits. It is like a starving man who, finding no real food, eats a handful of dirt because, if nothing else, it temporarily fills his stomach. Because such sex is mostly disconnected - from values, partners, and the movement of life - it often leads to promiscuity. It is the act of sex that matters. Promiscuity of this kind is a modern mutation of the classic idolatry, a commitment of spirit to something that cannot bear its weight.

Philip Yancey, 'Not Naked Enough', Christianity Today, 19th February, 1990, p.48. [198]

Do you remember when the movie ET was the rage back in 1982? There was a brief scene in the film where the extra-terrestrial was given a few pieces of the candy, Reese's Pieces. The brand was not named, but children recognized it during its few seconds on the screen. In the months that followed, the sale of Reese's Pieces went through the sky. Isn't that a clear example of a movie's influence on children's thinking? Why do advertisers spend billions of dollars to put their products before the people if what we see and hear does not influence our behaviour? Why do schools and colleges purchase textbooks for children and young adults if what they read does not translate into influence of one form or another? Of course they are vulnerable to what they witness! We all are. How much greater impact is made by dramatic, sexually oriented, no-holds-barred musical and theatrical presentations that are aimed at the hearts and souls of our kids? Who are we kidding when we say they are not harmed by the worst of it?

James Dobson and Gary L. Bauer, Children at Risk: Winning the Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Your Children, Dallas: Word Publishing, 1990, pp.68-69 [183]

Australian adolescents are trained for sex almost from the moment they first gurgle in their cradles. As a result, a great many more Australian teenagers are saying 'yes' rather than 'no', than was the case even five years ago. The pressures on young people to engage in casual sex in this country are enormous if not frightening...

The old ideal of the virgin bride is long since dead. If a girl is still a virgin past the age of 18, and is unfortunate enough to have her 'friends' find out about it, she is teased mercilessly. It is even worse for a boy. If he remains a virgin past school-leaving age, there is something 'wrong' with him in the eyes of his peers. He's apparently supposed to live up to a general male adolescent reputation of being 'sex-mad'...

Said one girl aged 16 from Melbourne: 'It's bad enough having your boyfriend put pressure on you to have sex with him - especially when he tries that old line "but you would if you loved me..." But if your friends find out you're a virgin, heaven help you.!'

Toni McRae, Parental Guidance Recommended: The Explosive Report on Teenage Sex in Australia, Adelaide: Rigby Publishers, 1982, pp.12-13. [190]

Sexual dreams don't always become reality. Many people have unrealistic expectations about sex:

* Sex will bring joy, passion, and unending ecstasy to my life. * Sex will solve my problems or depression. * Sex will make me feel constantly bonded with my husband. * Sex will stop me from masturbating. * Sex will make life all seem like a fairy tale, complete with a happy ending.

Let me tell you, sex is not the cure-all for our problems; moreover, it takes work, discipline, spiritual maturity, and honesty to provide the environment for our sexual competency to mature. We will often fail. Good sex, the kind that outlives infatuation and expresses oneness of souls, rarely comes easily. Most couples have the scars to prove it.

Bill Hybels and Rob Wilkins, Tender Love, Chicago: Moody Press, 1993, p.83. [121]

A man needs respect and admiration, to be physically needed, and not to be put down. The woman needs understanding, love, to be emotionally needed, and time to warm up to the sexual act.

The man's sexual response is acyclical, which means any time, anywhere. The woman's response is cyclical, which means she goes through times when she is more interested in sex than others. A man responds sexually by getting excited quickly, while the woman is much slower.

During sex, a man is single-minded, while a woman is easily distracted. The woman wants to know, 'Are the kids all asleep?' 'Have you checked to see if they're all covered?' 'Is the door shut?' 'Is it locked?' 'Are the windows closed?' 'Are the blinds down?' 'I think I hear the bathroom tap dripping.'

Dennis Rainey, Staying Close, Dallas Texas: WORD Inc., 1989 pp.254-256. [134]

How we have been trained and how we feel in deep ways will affect our freedom in [a] loving relationship. We must be able to allow ourselves the right to receive pleasure. God has already given us that right; if we do not experience it, it is because of our own insecurity. When we deeply believe that pleasure is a possibility we will be open to variation and experimentation. We will not be limited by rules about right and wrong, but will rather be guided by our own internal desires and urges. This is one of those dimensions of life that the Bible has left open to our own desire and discretion. We have to be guided from within ourselves.

Recognizing this, we are forced to accept what the apostle Paul teaches regarding our sexual equality. We are not expected to do something for our partner that her or she is not responsible to do for us. Sex is not something we do 'to' someone, neither is it something we do 'for' someone. Rather, sex is a 'with' experience. This is a tough balance to find. It is easy to come to the marital bed with strong expectations for one's self as well as for one's partner, rather than letting the feelings flow freely out of one's body. When we can let those feelings flow, we accept the individual differences between two people and the differences between men and women. These will not be troublesome to us, but will rather be used as an additional form of enhancement, delight, and variety. We will not think of our partner in terms of stereotypes or cliches that usually begin, 'Well, men always...' or 'Women always...' We will let the other be a person who is taking responsibility for himself or herself as he or she gives to us.

Clifford and Joyce Penner, The Gift of Sex: A Christian Guide to Sexual Fulfillment, Waco, Texas: Word Books, 1981, p.342. [306]

Many... live with a list of myths about infidelity that can catch them off guard. How many of these do you believe?

1. 'Lust is the basis for the majority of affairs.' All the other reasons far outweigh this one. 2. 'You can inoculate yourself against an affair by a strong Christian faith.' It will reduce it but we are all still vulnerable. 3. 'If you have a good marriage you don't need to be concerned since affairs rarely happen in good marriages.' Unfortunately, affairs are likely to occur within 75 percent of the marriages of young and middle-aged couples! 4. 'If the unfaithful person is an evangelical, a strong biblical confrontation will usually be all that is needed to stop the affair.' Rarely does this work. 5. 'An affair is an indication that the unfaithful person's spouse is not an adequate partner.' An affair can point up difficulties but it does not always indicate something is wrong with the unfaithful partner's spouse. 6. 'A man almost always chooses a woman who is physically more attractive than his spouse.' In many cases the woman is less attractive. The emotional attraction is a stronger incentive. 7. 'Most affairs end in divorce.' Divorce from an affair occurs in about 50 percent of the general population, but with Christians a majority are able to work out their problems. 8. 'If you are certain that your marriage is solid and 'affair proof' then it could never happen to you.' If you believe this you are in trouble. 9. 'A Christian woman who is a close friend of another Christian woman would never have an affair with that woman's husband.' Yes, this does happen. 10. 'Affairs can improve a stagnant marriage.' Affairs are painful and destructive. 11. 'If a man has an affair, that proves he does not love his wife.' Only in a few cases is this true. 12. 'When you discover an affair, it is best to act as though it is not happening and avoid an upset.' This is definitely not true.

Henry A. Virkler, Broken Promises, Dallas Texas: WORD Inc., 1992 pp.4-9. [327]

SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE DISCONNECTS A PERSON FROM HIMSELF OR HERSELF In psychological terms, this phenomenon is known as shame, alienation, and fragmentation. It is impossible to walk away from sex unchanged, for sex is, by definition, the giving of the essence of oneself to another person. In sex outside marriage, you leave part of yourself with that sexual partner....

SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE DISCONNECTS A PERSON FROM GOD In theological terms, this is known as guilt. And sin, as we know, separates a person from God. But sexual sin has an incalculable power to make people feel alone, stained, and incapable of connecting with God... For Christians, the guilt of falling to sexual sin is often overwhelming...

SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE DISCONNECTS A PERSON FROM HIS/HER FUTURE SPOUSE Time and again, I have counseled with couples whose story goes something like this. Female: 'I don't feel I'm connecting with my spouse in sexual intercourse. It feels like only a fraction of him is present.' Male: 'I just can't seem to get my former sexual encounters out of my mind'...

SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE WARPS GOD-GIVEN DESIRES When sex occurs outside God's design, it is always reduced. When we buy into such a reduction, we often risk trading love for lust, a longing for intimacy for an obsession with pleasure, and a lifelong fulfillment for a series of thrills... the reduction of sex also leads to the distortion of values. Pornography, addiction, perversion and abuse are natural outcomes of disconnected sex.

Bill Hybels and Rob Wilkins, Tender Love, Chicago: Moody Press, 1993, pp. 75-76. [249]

* Nearly 90% of American college women are sexually active

* More than 50% of all American married men and women - some surveys give figures as high as 66% - have had an affair. The rates for men and women are now virtually identical

* The average American male has had seven sex partners during his adult life

* Four different nationwide support programs patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous, have been established for sex addicts

* There are more hard-core pornographic stores in the U.S. than there are McDonald's outlets

* Madonna's book Sex sold more than half a million copies in one week

* The American pornographic industry has become a $6 to $8 billion a year industry, most of it controlled by the Mafia and tax free

* Virtual reality allows you to 'make love' with a partner lying somewhere in cyberspace

* More than 12 million Americans contract a sexually transmitted disease each year

* The failure rate of condoms to prevent pregnancy has been reported somewhere between 15 to 26 percent

Bill Hybels, Tender Love: God's Gift of Sexual Intimacy, Chicago: Moody Press, 1993, pp. 17-23. [157]

Love is of God, and true love is always giving. God's love desires to satisfy the object of his love. 'For God so loved that he gave...' God is love. Love gives. But lust wants to get. It is basically selfish. Love gives - lust gets... When a man or woman is lusting they desire to satisfy themselves at the expense of others... When they are loving, they desire to satisfy the loved one at the expense of themselves.

A man may be married but lust for his wife sexually when he only cares about satisfying himself, and leaves her unfulfilled and unsatisfied. It's obvious that the young man professing love for the girl is only lusting when he satisfies himself sexually, and leaves her to face pregnancy alone and fearful.

Or, a woman is lusting when she uses credit cards to run up bills that her husband cannot pay... Professing love, she is really lusting. Corporations lust, one against the other. Even nations lust against each other.

Edwin Louis Cole, Maximized Manhood: A Guide to Family Survival, Whittacker House, Pittsburgh and Colfas Streets, Springdale, Pennsylvania, 15144, 1982, pp.18-19. [167]

Rape... is a violent act of power, anger, and control, rather than an expression of uncontrollable sexual passion. The confession of a convicted rapist confirms this new awareness:

'It was one of the most satisfying experiences I have ever had. I got more pleasure out of being aggressive, having power over her, her actions, her life. It gave me pleasure knowing there was nothing she could do. My feelings were a mixture of sex and anger. I wanted pleasure, but I had to prove something, that I could dominate a woman. The sex part wasn't very good at all.'

Marie Marshall Fortune, Sexual Violence: The Unmentionable Sin, New York: Pilgrim Press, 1983, p.9. [ ]

Each year, of the approximately 11 million adolescent girls [in the U.S.] who are sexually active, about 1 million become pregnant. Of these pregnancies, approximately 40 percent are aborted, 10 percent end in miscarriage or stillbirth, and 50 percent result in live births (roughly one-fifth of all births annually). Approximately 93 percent of unmarried adolescent mothers who give birth choose to keep their babies. Adolescent pregnancy rates in the United States are highest among the western nations and are, in fact, twice as high as England and five times as high as Sweden and the Netherlands. This is in spite of the fact that rates of adolescent sexual activity are similar among all four countries, and Sweden's rates of sexual activity are actually higher.

Presbyterians and Human Sexuality 1991, Published by the Office of the General Assembly Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), Lousiville, KY, p.44. [120]

The underlying dynamics of [sexual] maladjustments are similar... Voyeurism [may result from] a serious feeling of inadequacy in the sexual role, or from a lack of wholesome sex knowledge and attitudes. Sadism - the receiving of pleasure from inflicting pain upon others - [may] result from feelings of hostility, [particularly] towards parents of the opposite sex... Masochism, in which a person receives sexual gratification by suffering physical pain, [is also] based on distorted sexual attitudes... Fetishism, where an individual gains stimulation through contact with various articles of clothing or parts of the body [is also associated with] strong feelings of [sexual] inadequacy or poor sexual education. Transvestism, in which an individual dresses in clothing of the opposite sex... is indicative of an inability to accept one's sexual role... A pedophiliac [who] attempts to gain sexual gratification by engaging in sexual activities with children... has failed to develop adequate adult heterosexuality. Bestiality - sexual contact with animals - [happens when] a person feels inadequate and insecure in sexual adjustment and is not comfortable in human relationships. Rape [is] forcible sexual intercourse against the will of another person... A man with unresolved anger and resentment toward his mother may vent this hostility by raping an unsuspecting victim...

Many individuals with these disturbances suffer from serious feelings of guilt and rejection... The process of talking about one's maladjustment gives the person some relief from feelings of anxiety and constitutes an important step toward recovery.

Clyde M. Narramore, Encyclopedia of Psychological Problems, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1973, pp.212 ff. [237]

Petting is a common activity among nonmarried people. Unlike foreplay which is a tender preparation for sexual intercourse, petting is a tender exploration of one another by two people who may not intend to have intercourse. Petting has many risks, spiritual and psychological. One of the adverse effects of heavy petting is illustrated by the 'law of diminishing returns.' This psychological and biological principle holds that with constant repetition over a period of time, the effect of a stimulus on an individual tends to decrease. To keep the same effect the stimulus must later be increased. Petting is physical stimulation of this variety. After reaching a certain point of intimacy, a couple almost always finds it difficult to retreat to a less intimate level of involvement. Petting also may create the desire for more intimate sexual union. In advanced stages, petting is especially difficult to stop and may result in frustration, tenseness and irritability. The lack of release may unleash bitterness against the other partner as well.

Gary Collins, Christian Counseling, Waco Texas: Word Books, 1980, pp. 294-295. [167]

Christian counselors differ in their view of masturbation. It has been called 'sin', 'a gift from God', and an issue which is 'no big deal... on God's list of priorities.' Masturbation can... produce guilt; can be a means of escaping from loneliness and interpersonal (including sexual) relationships with others into a world of fantasy; can increase self-centredness and lowered self-esteem; and can stimulate and be stimulated by lust... Masturbation is rarely helped by a direct determination to quit. This focuses attention on the issue, increases anxiety, and makes failure more incriminating. Masturbation can be reduced by prayer, a sincere willingness to let the Holy Spirit control, involvement in busy activities involving others, an avoidance of sexually arousing material (such as erotic pictures or novels), a practice of not dwelling on harmful sexual fantasies, and a recognition that sin (including lust) will be forgiven when it is confessed with sincerity and sorrow... When there is open communication on the subject of sex, including masturbation... it will... not become a major problem... It's high time we stop making such a 'big deal' out of masturbation and give it the well-deserved unimportance it merits.

Gary Collins, Christian Counseling, Waco Texas: Word Books, 1980, p.296. [194]

There are many Christian ministries that attempt to provide opportunities for growth and healing for the homosexual. Many of these groups are represented by the umbrella Exodus International organization or use the 12-Step methods of Homosexuals Anonymous. These groups offer a variety of approaches, but generally agree that change from homosexuality is a difficult and painful process of renouncing sinful practices and attitudes and reaching out to grasp the promise of God's help. These groups suggest that struggling with homosexual attraction is a life-long task, but that the person who takes on that struggle can expect gradual change. Some aim for conversion to heterosexuality; others aim at freedom from overpowering homosexual impulses and increasing capacity to experience life fully as would be desired for any Christian single person.

Presbyterians and Human Sexuality 1991, Office of the General Assembly Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), Louisville Kentucky, pp.116-117. [129]

According to the Westminster 'Dictionary of Christian Ethics' there are four broad attitudes to homosexuality among Christians. First of all, there are the punitive rejectors who would treat it as both a crime and a sin and punish it, though it is doubtful if many of them would actually insist upon the implementation of the Levitical purity code in sentencing to death homosexuals caught in flagrante delicto. Next there are the non-punitive objectors who would always treat homosexual relations as sinful, but not as criminal. An apt parallel would be adultery, which is no longer a statutory offence in this country, though the Christian Church and most public opinion holds it to be a sin. The third group are qualified accepters who would probbly seek to apply the norm of monogamous sexuality to gay people, as well as to heterosexuals. And they would claim that by this acceptance or permission, many gay people have established stable relationships that have rescued them from loneliness and the promiscuity that has often characterized their search for love and companionship. Finally, there is a group, probably a small group, of total acceptors, who believe that gay people should create their own norm and not be dictated to by a section of the population that can have no real inner knowledge of their condition.

Richard Holloway, Anger, Sex, Doubt and Death, Great Britain: SPCK, 1992, pp.47. [220]

AIDS brings together in one potent package the two greatest fears of our culture: sex and death. Now they have been united. Because of these deep fears, because of the already marginalized character of the disease's major victims, because of the ways in which this illness has been moralized, because of the extraordinarily complicated public policy issues - for all these reasons, in addition to the concrete suffering of countless people, AIDS is a major new challenge for us. And particularly for men, for we men have had great difficulties with sex and death.

James B. Nelson, The Intimate Connection: Male Sexuality, Masculine Spirituality, Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1988, p.81. [93]

Homosexuality must be regarded as a problematic erotic orientation that contemporary social science can help us understand. One can take such a stand without regarding it as a psychopathology per se. Such a stance permits one to support the ordination of celibate persons of homosexual orientation who are otherwise suited and called to the ministry, in that homosexual orientation cannot be equated with diagnosing the individual as 'neurotic' or 'psychotic.'

Stanton L. Jones and Don E. Workman, 'Homosexuality: The Behavioral Sciences and the Church,' Journal of Psychology and Theology 17, no.3, Fall 1989, p. 213-225. [70]

When all is said and done... the struggle for Christian freedom is not between men and women, nor even between feminists and traditionalists. The struggle is within each one of us, male or female, between the old person and the new person, between the flesh and the Spirit, between the impulse to be the first among all and the call to become the servant of many. Debates about sex and gender will be around for a long time to come, both in the community of the church and the community of social science. But long after our current questions have been settled or forgotten the radical words of Jesus to his followers, both women and men, will ring down througn history from the Gospel of John: 'Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it cannot bear fruit.' And this is a saying which will rightly continue to offend us all.

Mary Stewart van Leeuwen, Gender and Grace: Women and Men in a Changing World, England: Inter-Varsity Press, 1990, p.250. [154]

.....

Creator God, Thank you for the gift of sex, for maleness and for femaleness; for making man and woman sexual as part of your good creation.

Thank you for my own sexuality: for its beauty and its usefulness, for its ecstasy and intensity and intimacy, for love, and care, and pleasure and fulfilment.

Thank you for marriage, when a woman and a man leave parents, cleave to one another and become one flesh.

Lord keep me faithful to you and to your will for me. Keep me faithful to the one I promised to love and cherish all our lives.

So that our pure loving may reflect just a little your love for your people, and Christ's love for the church.

Amen.

.....

A Benediction

May God, who created us as sexual beings, and designed marriage and community for our wholeness and the well-being of children, loved ones and friends, make your home a colony of heaven. May his peace rule in your hearts; may his grace enable you to accept one another as you have been accepted; may his love empower you to serve and forgive others; may his Spirit give you a disciplined will to obey his Word. For Christ's glory and our wholeness. Amen.

CAPSULE 12: CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

* 'Cynthia', a university student wrote: 'When I was sexually abused as a child and raped as a young girl, I felt numb. Feeling was just too much. After the first sharp jolt, I realized that this was just too much for me to bear, and I left my body. I felt scared and confused and ashamed. I couldn't trust anyone, but was terrified of being alone. Most of all, I felt worthless. I hope for change. I work on healing myself and other women. I try to protect myself. If I feel safe, I will tell other people about my experience, with the hope that they will understand. With the hope that if they understand, they will not allow this horror to continue.'

* Between the ages of five and nine Jane (not her real name) was looked after by an uncle when her parents were sometimes away, working on a distant farming property. This man used to bath her, play with her sexually, and sometimes have full sexual intercourse with her. He would rationalize what he was doing ('lots of people enjoy tickling each other like this') but he would threaten her with dire consequences if she told anyone ('this is our little secret'). She became very fearful, but couldn't scream when it was happening. The parents were so preoccupied with their work they didn't take any action when their daughter became depressed ('she'll grow out of it'). Now, aged thirty eight, she has terrible nightmares, every night, with dark monsters coming at her with knives and other fearful objects. She 'puts up with' the sexual side of their marriage, but uses all kinds of excuses to avoid sex if possible. She has been hospitalized regularly for severe depression. And she feels 'cheap and nasty', and very angry with the uncle who abused her. Except for a high school girlfriend, she had never told anyone else about these events, until her GP referred her to me. She remembered everything, she thinks, but it took three or four sessions before she could talk with some freedom about what happened... On one occasion I suggested she pretend her uncle was sitting in a chair across the room and tell him precisely how she felt. She spoke to a large cushion we have, and after ten minutes of pouring out her pain and anger she turned to where I was seated and, even more angrily cried out 'And where were you God when this little girl was being raped? Did you care?' (How would you have responded?)

Recently I received a letter from her. Here are some excerpts: 'For the past few weeks I have been praying that God will bring to the surface all the painful things that happened to me as a child. I have suppressed so much of my past. I want everything to come out because I know that if it doesn't it will destroy me and I will never be free to leave the past where it belongs. The nightmares won't go until I bring everything out... [As I talk] more things are coming out about the sexual abuse. I have held so much in out of fear and guilt. I feel so unclean and hate myself for what has happened. I know my anger should be released and redirected towards the one who did it all to me but I find it so hard to do. It seems easier to punish myself. I can't scream because I'm still afraid. I feel choked and nothing comes out. Yet I long to scream to let everything out... This past week all I seem to have done is cry and have panic attacks. The memories are so painful. I keep on getting hurt. My uncle hurt me so badly... There are no excuses for my uncle sexually abusing me. He should have been there to protect me. Sorry for rambling on. I can't even write this letter without stopping and crying. Thanks again for listening...'

What can we say to Cynthia and Jane, and to many others like them?

# You are not dirty, cheap, 'damaged' or to blame if you were abused as a young child. The abuser was to blame; you did not deserve it.

# Small children feel they're responsible for what was done to them: that is what the abuser tells them. The child is afraid, because they are usually threatened with dire consequences if they tell anyone. You were also fearful because you were weak and helpless through the process.

# Victims of abuse tend to have low self-esteem: so you are not unusual there either. Periods of your childhood may be totally forgotten. Abused children are very angry, but generally direct their anger inward. They get depressed, experience severe mood swings, and suffer from one or more phobias. They usually have severe sleep disturbances and often have terrible nightmares. They have an inability to trust others, and have problems figuring out their various roles. Addictions (eating, drugs, alcohol, spending) are common.

# Until they are healed, sex is unpleasant, to choose the softest word. They have problems becoming aroused, and find some forms of sexual activity repugnant, or emotionally and even physically painful. Adults who were abused as children may become promiscuous, or addicted to pornography or other forms of aberrant sexual behaviour.

# Every victim of child abuse I have counseled has been suicidal, or at least prone to self-destructive behaviours.

# How then are these sinned-against people healed? First, by affirming they were not to blame. Then, face what happened squarely. Talk it out with a counselor. Write letters to the one you are angry with - even if you do not post them. When and if you are ready, face the abuser with another person. The abuser will generally deny everything, but the benefit in this process is for you not the abuser. At some stage (for many it takes years) you might go through a process of forgiving the one who violated you, and about the same time pursue a 'ritual of release and healing' where you say good-bye to every aspect of the hurt and trauma. Perhaps you can imagine Jesus accompanying you on a journey through the events of your past, cleansing you of guilt and healing you of pain. Then prepare for a new identity. Shed the old self. Prepare for more negative and destructive thoughts and behaviour, and have a plan for dealing with these. Write down half a dozen encouraging Scripture passages and say them aloud to yourself when you are tempted to 'cave in' to feeling sorry for yourself (eg. Philippians 4:13, Jeremiah 33:3, Jeremiah 29:11 etc.). Live a day at a time, and perhaps before you retire tell yourself how you went that day - emphasizing particularly the positive aspects.

# Why do people do this to defenceless little children? Put simply, incest is a destructive example of love gone wrong. The adult is emotionally immature, unable to develop a mature love and closeness with other family members without genitalizing that loving. As one psychologist put it, 'Sexually abusive persons do in the family what millions of persons do outside the family; they "use" someone for the "act" of love in a misdirected and desperate search for a sense of true loving and for safety from their fear of true intimacy.' The person wants to connect and share with another, but doesn't know to do it responsibly. The most frequent form of incest is between brother and sister, then between father and daughter or male family members and younger girls and women. The least frequent form of incest is between an older female and a female child... Because male-initiated incest is more common, this means that sexism, power and control are behind these corrupt interactions.

# 'Where was God when I needed him?' is a common question. There is no simple answer; but he suffered too. The abuser did it, not God. That's the kind of evil world we live in.

# 'But that person messed up my life.' True and false. Certainly your childhood was spoiled, but you can be healed.

# How long does it take to be healed? Usually two or three years of solid work. But weigh that against the alternative: what will you still be like in a few years if you don't work on the problem?

# Write down something like this and repeat it to yourself every day: 'I was sexually/emotionally abused, but I was not to blame. I will therefore not carry the responsibility for this violation of my personhood. The abuser will have to answer to God and their conscience for this atrocity. Although I was the victim, I am not going to let those events cause me to live in the 'victim-mode' now. I will not allow the past to govern how I feel in the present or the future. I am going to get on with my life, and with the help of God become a whole person.'

Rowland Croucher