Copyright © 1996 Rod Benson. All rights

reserved.

If you had the opportunity to do something daring, something

extraordinary, something exhilarating and terrifying all wrapped

into one, what would it be? I asked myself that question three

weeks ago, and I decided to take up skydiving. That’s right -

jumping out of a perfectly safe aircraft at 10,000 feet, and

watching the earth rise to meet you at over 200 kilometres per

hour! That’s the kind of challenge I like! Yesterday morning

Michelle and I got into a little Cessna at Aratula. We took off

and climbed to 10,000 feet to made our first jump. When the pilot

opened that door and we saw the patchwork of fields far below, it

took some courage to let go of the fuselage and step sideways

into nothing, and then to plummet for 35 seconds in freezing air

before pulling the cord and reducing speed and completing a

controlled descent – and a good landing – in perfect conditions.

But we did it, we achieved our aim, and we’re here today. It

certainly won’t be the last jump we make!

There is an experience more exhilarating and more terrifying

than skydiving, or almost any experience you can imagine. That

experience is raising a child. No other job on earth is more

demanding, more complicated or more time-consuming than that of

raising a child, especially in the closing years of the 20th

century. And no other job has the same potential for risk and

reward as parenting. Michelle and I don’t yet have children, but

we are looking forward to the day when God gives them to us, and

we believe the biblical principles that undergirded our

experience as children are just as relevant and just as effective

today. Skydiving takes about ten minutes and it’s over; parenting

takes a large chunk of your life, so it’s worth doing well, and

it’s worth following the maker’s instructions.

Where to find help

William O. Douglas, a former justice of the United States

Supreme Court, once made this statement: "Few people I have

known are competent to be parents . . . The child who survives

being brought up by its parents and emerges as an integrated

person is an accident." I don’t agree – and while there are

good parents who raise monster kids, and bad parents who raise

wonderful, well-adjusted children, in general good parenting is

purposeful, not accidental. If you sometimes struggle with

parenting, or you wonder if you’re doing it right, or you’re

unsure what it takes to be a good parent, take some advice from

the Book of Proverbs.

This book is often neglected today, especially in preaching,

because of its supposedly moralistic tone, and because many of

the proverbs and sayings seem detached and randomly organised.

This is because they derive from several people (not just

Solomon) and were collected over a long period of time (from both

oral and written sources). But their gritty truth and their

profound relevance to modern life remain undisputed.

A loving parent exercises discipline

Of several proverbs relating to parents and children, I have

chosen two. The first is this:

He who spares the rod hates his son,

(Proverbs 13:24).

For several decades debate has raged in our society about how

to discipline our children, whether to ‘spare the rod and spoil

the child,’ or to accept physical discipline both in the home and

in the classroom. The Bible is clear that both physical and

verbal discipline are important elements of training children.

Indeed, this proverb suggests that withholding the punishment a

child needs is a sign of hate, not love. When bad behaviour is

rewarded with neglect or indifference, we lose an opportunity to

teach an important lesson, and we tarnish both our dignity as

parents and the child’s dignity as a person. As you discipline

your child, you are shaping their future and helping them to

become well-adjusted, wise and mature adults. If you love your

children, discipline their behaviour.

On the other hand, discipline can get out of control and lead

to abuse – and child abuse is both a crime and a sin. Sometimes

we lose our temper and a torrent of angry words pours from our

mouth – and some children are particularly skilled at getting you

to this point! But what does screaming at a child achieve? Very

little. We need to realise that verbal and emotional abuse can be

very damaging to children, and can leave mental scars on them for

the rest of their lives. At other times parents lose control of

their actions, and behaviour that deserves some loss of privilege

or a good smack is rewarded with severe and unacceptable physical

punishment. And the child responds by resenting, despising and

hating you.

But discipline, not mere physical beating, is the cure for

foolish behaviour. Without patient discipline, the cords that

bind foolishness to our hearts just grow stronger and tougher as

the years go by. And there are a lot of foolish and selfish

adults in our world today whose parents failed to discipline them

as children. So how can we balance the need for discipline with

the danger of going too far? Here are a few guidelines to ensure

that your discipline is consistent:

1. . Make sure everyone knows the rules beforehand.

2. . Exercise your discipline privately.

3. . Explain the violation and its consequences.

4. . Administer the punishment firmly but carefully.

5. . Tenderly hold your child after the punishment.

6. . Assure your child of your love and concern for them.

A loving parent provides a good example

Good parenting does not only involve the negative aspect of

patient and appropriate discipline; it also requires the parents

to set a good example for their children, in their lifestyle,

their speech, their actions, and their motivations. The second

proverb I have chosen is this:

Train a child in the way he should go,

and when he is old he will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6).

A few years ago my parents stayed with us, and my dad walked

into the bathroom as I was cleaning my teeth. A smile came to his

face, and he quoted this proverb. You see, every day for years he

had taken my brother and I to the bathroom after meals and

encouraged us to clean our teeth. At the beginning he had cleaned

them for us, then he had shown us how to clean them ourselves,

and all along he had cleaned his teeth with us. He set a good

example, training me in the way I should go, and he discovered

that when I reached adulthood I did not depart from the practice.

Good parents don’t only discipline bad behaviour; they teach

good behaviour by word and by example. Children today face so

many pressures and dangers, and there are so many issues they

need to negotiate. Society treats them like little adults, yet

they’re not adults. There are dangers from outside the home:

violence, sexual seductions, poverty, changing social standards,

the abandonment of clear religious training, a lack of good

heroes and role models, television that showcases the worst the

world has to offer, movies that glamourise infidelity and

vulgarity, music groups that parade lewdly and spew violent and

obscene lyrics, and a mass of conflicting values coming from

their peers, teachers, media celebrities, pastors and parents.

What a world to grow up in!

And in the home today, children often have both parents

working, and when they need love and attention and time, they get

lost in the rush. We complain that time is flying by. But the

time isn’t flying; we are! And the children get neglected and

accept this as normal, and become just like their parents. It’s a

downward spiral – where will it end? It’s up to us to modify our

behaviour, and provide good, quality examples for our children

before they grow up and leave the ‘nest.’

Some parents take this proverb as a cast-iron guarantee. They

reason "God says if I raise my kids as they ought to be

raised, while they might go off the rails for a while, in the end

they’ll return to the way I brought them up, and all will be

well." Others say, "No, there’s no written guarantee

here that the children of godly parents will turn out

godly." They’re right: this is not a promise – it is a

proverb, a pithy saying that is generally true; there are always

exceptions. The best you can do for your children is to know what

is right, train them right, and discipline them right.

Conclusion

In his book, Honest to God, Bill Hybels argues that

"authentic parenting involves more than giving birth. It

demands that we truly impart life – emotional and spiritual as

well as physical. The catch is that we can’t impart what we don’t

have. We can’t pass on emotional well-being if we’ve not grown

beyond the deficiencies of our own emotional history. We can’t

pass on spiritual vitality unless we’ve nurtured a personal faith

that is life-changing and empowering" (1990: 92). As

parents, make sure you model good behaviour patterns to your

children – physically, emotionally, mentally, ethically, and

above all spiritually. Show your love with hugs and flowers; be

honest about how you feel; don’t be afraid to shed a tear;

encourage your children to think rationally about issues; explain

other people’s point of view; instil into your children respect

for others, for the environment, for human life; have a daily

devotional time, make church attendance a regular habit, share

your faith with your neighbours, help your children to share

their faith. You can make a difference.

Parenting can be exhilarating; it can be tiring; it can be

terrifying. God had two children, and he put them in Paradise -

and they still went wrong. Our responsibility as parents is to do

everything we can, within our limitations and according to

biblical principles. God doesn’t ask us to be perfect parents -

God asks us to be faithful. And he will help us to exercise

patient discipline, and provide a positive example, and pass on

our faith to the next generation.

This message was preached by Pastor Rod Benson at Flinders Baptist Community Church, Ipswich, Australia, on Sunday 9 June 1996. Scripture quotations are taken from
The Holy Bible, New International Version.
To respond, please email
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Zondervan, 1990).

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