If you had the opportunity to do something daring, something extraordinary, something exhilarating and terrifying all wrapped into one, what would it be? I asked myself that question three weeks ago, and I decided to take up skydiving. That's right - jumping out of a perfectly safe aircraft at 10,000 feet, and watching the earth rise to meet you at over 200 kilometres per hour! That's the kind of challenge I like! Yesterday morning Michelle and I got into a little Cessna at Aratula. We took off and climbed to 10,000 feet to made our first jump. When the pilot opened that door and we saw the patchwork of fields far below, it took some courage to let go of the fuselage and step sideways into nothing, and then to plummet for 35 seconds in freezing air before pulling the cord and reducing speed and completing a controlled descent - and a good landing - in perfect conditions. But we did it, we achieved our aim, and we're here today. It certainly won't be the last jump we make!

There is an experience more exhilarating and more terrifying than skydiving, or almost any experience you can imagine. That experience is raising a child. No other job on earth is more demanding, more complicated or more time-consuming than that of raising a child, especially in the closing years of the 20th century. And no other job has the same potential for risk and reward as parenting. Michelle and I don't yet have children, but we are looking forward to the day when God gives them to us, and we believe the biblical principles that undergirded our experience as children are just as relevant and just as effective today. Skydiving takes about ten minutes and it's over; parenting takes a large chunk of your life, so it's worth doing well, and it's worth following the maker's instructions.

Where to find help

William O. Douglas, a former justice of the United States Supreme Court, once made this statement: "Few people I have known are competent to be parents . . . The child who survives being brought up by its parents and emerges as an integrated person is an accident." I don't agree - and while there are good parents who raise monster kids, and bad parents who raise wonderful, well-adjusted children, in general good parenting is purposeful, not accidental. If you sometimes struggle with parenting, or you wonder if you're doing it right, or you're unsure what it takes to be a good parent, take some advice from the Book of Proverbs.

This book is often neglected today, especially in preaching, because of its supposedly moralistic tone, and because many of the proverbs and sayings seem detached and randomly organised. This is because they derive from several people (not just Solomon) and were collected over a long period of time (from both oral and written sources). But their gritty truth and their profound relevance to modern life remain undisputed.

A loving parent exercises discipline

Of several proverbs relating to parents and children, I have chosen two. The first is this:

He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is careful to discipline him
(Proverbs 13:24).

For several decades debate has raged in our society about how to discipline our children, whether to 'spare the rod and spoil the child,' or to accept physical discipline both in the home and in the classroom. The Bible is clear that both physical and verbal discipline are important elements of training children. Indeed, this proverb suggests that withholding the punishment a child needs is a sign of hate, not love. When bad behaviour is rewarded with neglect or indifference, we lose an opportunity to teach an important lesson, and we tarnish both our dignity as parents and the child's dignity as a person. As you discipline your child, you are shaping their future and helping them to become well-adjusted, wise and mature adults. If you love your children, discipline their behaviour.

On the other hand, discipline can get out of control and lead to abuse - and child abuse is both a crime and a sin. Sometimes we lose our temper and a torrent of angry words pours from our mouth - and some children are particularly skilled at getting you to this point! But what does screaming at a child achieve? Very little. We need to realise that verbal and emotional abuse can be very damaging to children, and can leave mental scars on them for the rest of their lives. At other times parents lose control of their actions, and behaviour that deserves some loss of privilege or a good smack is rewarded with severe and unacceptable physical punishment. And the child responds by resenting, despising and hating you.

But discipline, not mere physical beating, is the cure for foolish behaviour. Without patient discipline, the cords that bind foolishness to our hearts just grow stronger and tougher as the years go by. And there are a lot of foolish and selfish adults in our world today whose parents failed to discipline them as children. So how can we balance the need for discipline with the danger of going too far? Here are a few guidelines to ensure that your discipline is consistent:

1. . Make sure everyone knows the rules beforehand.
2. . Exercise your discipline privately.
3. . Explain the violation and its consequences.
4. . Administer the punishment firmly but carefully.
5. . Tenderly hold your child after the punishment.
6. . Assure your child of your love and concern for them.

Good parenting does not only involve the negative aspect of patient and appropriate discipline; it also requires the parents to set a good example for their children, in their lifestyle, their speech, their actions, and their motivations. The second proverb I have chosen is this:

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6).

A few years ago my parents stayed with us, and my dad walked into the bathroom as I was cleaning my teeth. A smile came to his face, and he quoted this proverb. You see, every day for years he had taken my brother and I to the bathroom after meals and encouraged us to clean our teeth. At the beginning he had cleaned them for us, then he had shown us how to clean them ourselves, and all along he had cleaned his teeth with us. He set a good example, training me in the way I should go, and he discovered that when I reached adulthood I did not depart from the practice.

Good parents don't only discipline bad behaviour; they teach good behaviour by word and by example. Children today face so many pressures and dangers, and there are so many issues they need to negotiate. Society treats them like little adults, yet they're not adults. There are dangers from outside the home: violence, sexual seductions, poverty, changing social standards, the abandonment of clear religious training, a lack of good heroes and role models, television that showcases the worst the world has to offer, movies that glamourise infidelity and vulgarity, music groups that parade lewdly and spew violent and obscene lyrics, and a mass of conflicting values coming from their peers, teachers, media celebrities, pastors and parents. What a world to grow up in!

And in the home today, children often have both parents working, and when they need love and attention and time, they get lost in the rush. We complain that time is flying by. But the time isn't flying; we are! And the children get neglected and accept this as normal, and become just like their parents. It's a downward spiral - where will it end? It's up to us to modify our behaviour, and provide good, quality examples for our children before they grow up and leave the 'nest.'

Some parents take this proverb as a cast-iron guarantee. They reason "God says if I raise my kids as they ought to be raised, while they might go off the rails for a while, in the end they'll return to the way I brought them up, and all will be well." Others say, "No, there's no written guarantee here that the children of godly parents will turn out godly." They're right: this is not a promise - it is a proverb, a pithy saying that is generally true; there are always exceptions. The best you can do for your children is to know what is right, train them right, and discipline them right.

Conclusion

In his book, Honest to God, Bill Hybels argues that "authentic parenting involves more than giving birth. It demands that we truly impart life - emotional and spiritual as well as physical. The catch is that we can't impart what we don't have. We can't pass on emotional well-being if we've not grown beyond the deficiencies of our own emotional history. We can't pass on spiritual vitality unless we've nurtured a personal faith that is life-changing and empowering" (1990: 92). As parents, make sure you model good behaviour patterns to your children - physically, emotionally, mentally, ethically, and above all spiritually. Show your love with hugs and flowers; be honest about how you feel; don't be afraid to shed a tear; encourage your children to think rationally about issues; explain other people's point of view; instil into your children respect for others, for the environment, for human life; have a daily devotional time, make church attendance a regular habit, share your faith with your neighbours, help your children to share their faith. You can make a difference.

Parenting can be exhilarating; it can be tiring; it can be terrifying. God had two children, and he put them in Paradise - and they still went wrong. Our responsibility as parents is to do everything we can, within our limitations and according to biblical principles. God doesn't ask us to be perfect parents - God asks us to be faithful. And he will help us to exercise patient discipline, and provide a positive example, and pass on our faith to the next generation.

Resources: Stuart Briscoe, Choices For a Lifetime: Determining the Values That Will Shape Your Future (Wheaton: Tyndale, 1995); Gary Collins, Family Shock(Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995); Bill Hybels, Honest to God (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1990).