reserved.

If marriage and the family are institutions that form the

foundation of modern human society, we’re all in trouble. We live

in times of rapid social change. Many in our communities no

longer accept traditional family values. We’re told it’s OK to

engage in extra-marital sex, to "try before you buy,"

to file for a divorce because you’re bored with your partner.

This week in Australia 900 marriages will break up. We’re told

it’s not OK to discipline our children, to teach them from the

Bible, to stick at a difficult marriage in the hope that it will

improve. And last week the Australian media even suggested that

married women who sense something called "husband

fatigue" should relieve their discomfort by taking a

same-sex lover. This latest twist to the nineties lifestyle is

promoted by celebrities, advertising, fashion models, movie

stars, Cleo magazine, recent episodes of the TV soap opera Pacific

Drive, and the new European film French Twist, opening

in Sydney this week.

What is happening to our society? I’m not one of those who

draws similarities between the decline of the Roman Empire and

the fact that we have a television show called Gladiators, and

concludes that civilisation as we know it is about to end! But

beneath the veneer of these new values and practices lies a deep angst

- a realisation that it’s impossible to live the good life in our

own strength – and an overwhelming despair from the loss

of those old-fashioned anchors and moorings that were once

provided by the Bible, the church, Christian values. We live in a

culture of fear and despair where people chase after anything and

everything that dulls their unease and fills their emptiness (or

at least distracts them from taking an honest look at

themselves): pleasure, excitement, transgression, rebellion.

Even within Christian marriages, there are tensions,

insecurities, misunderstandings and unmet needs, because we are

all fallen and fragile people. They are an inevitable part of

life on planet earth. The most dangerous and destructive response

to these problems, though, is to follow the example of the world

and replace what God has ordained with cheap human imitations and

alternatives. Our commitment to Christian marriage, our heritage

of Christian families, and our devotion to the Christian gospel

are priceless treasures we cannot afford to lose. We find the

foundation stone of Christian marriage in the book of

foundations, Genesis, chapter 2:18-25:

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the

beasts of the field.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God

said,

"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken out of

man."

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and

and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

After the six days of creation, Adam found himself surrounded

by the majesty of God’s perfect creation, and by a vast array of

animals and birds, each with its mate. "But for Adam no

suitable helper was found" (verse 20b). And so God

creates woman from Adam’s own rib, supplying what was missing

from his perfect happiness. The great Puritan preacher Matthew

Henry put it well: "Not made out of his head to top him, nor

out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side

to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his

heart to be beloved." And Adam declares, "This is

‘woman’, for she was taken out of man" (verse 23).

Husband and wife begin a new relationship characterised by unity,

harmony and intimacy.

In verse 24, the narrator of the passage explains the

significance of this event for later readers. When a man and a

woman marry, their priorities change. No longer are they focussed

on the family of their birth – they now establish a new family,

and their responsibilities shift to their partner (and to any

children resulting from their union). The husband is "united

to his wife" – suggesting both passion and permanence in

the relationship. And they "become one flesh" – just as

our blood relations are our own flesh and bone, so marriage

creates a similar relationship between a wife and her husband.

And "they were both naked, and they felt no shame"

(verse 25) – they were like young children, unashamed at their

nakedness, deeply drawn to one another, free and uninhibited by

social or religious traditions.

That, I believe, is the ideal, but most couples enter marriage

with unrealistic expectations. A relationship has a much better

chance of succeeding when couples realistically understand what

they can and cannot contribute to each other’s happiness and

well-being. We’re going to look at four common mistakes couples

make in assuming what marriage ought to be like, and see how to

avoid them.

Mistake number one is to expect your spouse to be virtually

perfect. Marriage is an institution, and love is blind, so

they say, and therefore marriage is an institution for the blind!

It’s certainly true that couples in love tend to view their

partners through rose-coloured glasses. When Michelle started

dating me, she would return home with a great smile on her face,

and her head in the clouds, and there was nothing I said or did

that wasn’t wonderful. I was the original Mr Wonderful. Today she

realises just how wrong she was, and understands that I’m not as

perfect as I originally seemed to be. I’m sure even Adam and

Eve’s relationship wasn’t perfect. Adam probably squeezed the

toothpaste from the wrong end of the tube, and Eve probably

snored loudly in bed. It’s a mistake to expect our spouse to be

perfect – or even close to perfect. Ask them to list ten things

they don’t like about you, and you’ll be surprised how imperfect

you are yourself!

A grandmother celebrating her golden wedding anniversary

wanted to pass on to younger generations the secret of her long

and happy marriage. "On my wedding day," she said,

"I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults

which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook." A

guest asked the woman what some of the faults were that she had

chosen to overlook. The grandmother replied, "To tell you

the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But

whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I

would say to myself, ‘Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’

" It’s a mistake to expect your partner to be virtually

perfect.

Second, it’s a mistake to believe your spouse will meet all

your deepest needs. When we approach marriage, most of us

realise that there are certain deficiencies within us. Even God

recognised that Adam was incomplete without a partner! Within

marriage, we are capable of contributing to the mutual fulfilment

of each other’s needs – security, significance, love, acceptance.

But it’s unrealistic to expect your spouse to meet all your

deepest needs. Believe it or not, your spouse is also an

incomplete person! They don’t have complete power or wisdom to

make you happy. But as you learn more about each other and work

together, you will be able to satisfy more of your needs. No

marriage on earth will be perfect, and only God is capable of

meeting our deepest needs – he "who is able to do

power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).

Together, you and your spouse and God make a great team.

Third, it’s a mistake to assume that your problems are best

handled by ignoring them. It is true that some marriages are

unnecessarily tense because one partner makes mountains out of

molehills. Can you think of some examples? But generally if we

ignore our partner’s differing point of view, we’re asking for

trouble. The problem just gets worse; we suppress our true

emotions; our resentment increases; and humour becomes a

destructive ‘cop-out.’ That happens in my relationship with

Michelle. Open communication is so important for a strong and

healthy marriage.

English philosopher and writer Thomas Carlyle was so

preoccupied with his work that he often neglected his wife. It

was only after her death that he realised how he had taken her

for granted, and missed so many opportunities to talk with her

and share things together. In his diary he wrote these words:

"Oh, that I had you yet for five minutes by my side that I

might tell you all." Are our lives any different?

Communication is one of the keys to a happy and lasting marriage,

and problems will only grow worse if we ignore them.

Finally, it’s a mistake to think that time and love will

resolve all your problems. A feeling of love doesn’t

necessarily bridge the gap and provide the sense of connectedness

you need for a stable and lasting relationship. Instead of

assuming that time will take care of your problems, make some

positive efforts to resolve the conflicts you have. And be aware

that it’s OK to be different from one another – you’re meant to

compliment your partner, not clone them!

Chuck Swindoll, a Christian I greatly admire, host of the

radio program Insight for Living and now President of

Dallas Theological Seminary, was married for ten years before he

learned to appreciate the differences between his wife and

himself. He was often irritated that she didn’t view things

exactly as he did. It wasn’t that she argued – she just expressed

her honest feelings. But he used to take this as a lack of

submission, and told her so. Again and again they locked horns

until God showed him from Genesis 2:18-25 that his wife was

different because God had made her different, and that she was

more valuable to him because of those differences. She was not

designed to be his clone but his partner; time would not solve

all their differences. Her individuality, her uniqueness, would

help him become all that God intended him to be. And so it is

with us. Time and love will resolve all our problems, but we can

learn to live together peacefully. Learn to drop subjects that

always lead to argument; pray together about your differences and

ask God to help you use them for his glory; treat one another

with respect and dignity.

Good marriages don’t just happen. They are the result of a

determination to overcome false assumptions, miscommunication,

disappointments, sin and heartaches that inhibit the

relationship. Good marriages do exist, but they only exist when

two people recognise the real issues holding them back, and deal

with these issues in a constructive way. For those of us who are

married, it’s time to recommit ourselves to the partners God has

given us, and to our marriages. Marriage was part of God’s

original plan for people; he still places great value on marriage

and family relationships; and he’s there to help and heal your

marriage, no matter how difficult or fractured it seems. Couples:

learn to value your marriage in a fresh way, confess your faults

to one another and to God, and commit yourselves to making your

relationship stronger and deeper, starting today.

O let the Son of God enfold you

With his Spirit and his love

Let him fill your heart and satisfy your soul

O let him have those things that hold you

And his Spirit, like a dove

Will descend upon your life and make you whole

Jesus, oh Jesus

Come and fill your lambs

O come and sing this song with gladness

As your hearts are filled with joy

Lift your hands in sweet surrender to his name

O give him all your tears and sadness

Give him all your years of pain

And you’ll enter into life in Jesus’ name

Jesus, oh Jesus

Come and fill your lambs

John Wimber, 1979

---

This message was preached by Pastor Rod Benson at Flinders

Baptist Community Church, Ipswich, Australia, on Sunday 2 June

1996. Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy

Bible, New International Version.To respond, please email

HREF="mailto:">Pastor Rod.

Resources:Gary Collins, Family

Shock (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995); Ed

Wheat, The First Years of Forever (Grand

Rapids: Zondervan, 1988); email notes from Norman and Ann Bales,

Minden Church of Christ, Australia.

Revised: 15 Jun 1996.

Related Articles:

• The Parents Poem (Robert Bly)
• Gay man opposes gay marriage
• Being a Pastor Doesn’t Automatically Make You a Sex Therapist
• Is the Men’s Movement Dead?
• Making a Will

Share|

This work, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.