If marriage and the family are institutions that form the
foundation of modern human society, we're all in trouble. We live
in times of rapid social change. Many in our communities no
longer accept traditional family values. We're told it's OK to
engage in extra-marital sex, to "try before you buy,"
to file for a divorce because you're bored with your partner.
This week in Australia 900 marriages will break up. We're told
it's not OK to discipline our children, to teach them from the
Bible, to stick at a difficult marriage in the hope that it will
improve. And last week the Australian media even suggested that
married women who sense something called "husband
fatigue" should relieve their discomfort by taking a
same-sex lover. This latest twist to the nineties lifestyle is
promoted by celebrities, advertising, fashion models, movie
stars, Cleo magazine, recent episodes of the TV soap opera Pacific
Drive, and the new European film French Twist, opening
in Sydney this week.
What is happening to our society? I'm not one of those who
draws similarities between the decline of the Roman Empire and
the fact that we have a television show called Gladiators, and
concludes that civilisation as we know it is about to end! But
beneath the veneer of these new values and practices lies a deep angst
- a realisation that it's impossible to live the good life in our
own strength - and an overwhelming despair from the loss
of those old-fashioned anchors and moorings that were once
provided by the Bible, the church, Christian values. We live in a
culture of fear and despair where people chase after anything and
everything that dulls their unease and fills their emptiness (or
at least distracts them from taking an honest look at
themselves): pleasure, excitement, transgression, rebellion.
Even within Christian marriages, there are tensions,
insecurities, misunderstandings and unmet needs, because we are
all fallen and fragile people. They are an inevitable part of
life on planet earth. The most dangerous and destructive response
to these problems, though, is to follow the example of the world
and replace what God has ordained with cheap human imitations and
alternatives. Our commitment to Christian marriage, our heritage
of Christian families, and our devotion to the Christian gospel
are priceless treasures we cannot afford to lose. We find the
foundation stone of Christian marriage in the book of
foundations, Genesis, chapter 2:18-25:
Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the
beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them
to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man
called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave
names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the
beasts of the field.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God
caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was
sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place
with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had
taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man
said,
"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called 'woman', for she was taken out of
man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man
and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
After the six days of creation, Adam found himself surrounded
by the majesty of God's perfect creation, and by a vast array of
animals and birds, each with its mate. "But for Adam no
suitable helper was found" (verse 20b). And so God
creates woman from Adam's own rib, supplying what was missing
from his perfect happiness. The great Puritan preacher Matthew
Henry put it well: "Not made out of his head to top him, nor
out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side
to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his
heart to be beloved." And Adam declares, "This is
now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
'woman', for she was taken out of man" (verse 23).
Husband and wife begin a new relationship characterised by unity,
harmony and intimacy.
In verse 24, the narrator of the passage explains the
significance of this event for later readers. When a man and a
woman marry, their priorities change. No longer are they focussed
on the family of their birth - they now establish a new family,
and their responsibilities shift to their partner (and to any
children resulting from their union). The husband is "united
to his wife" - suggesting both passion and permanence in
the relationship. And they "become one flesh" - just as
our blood relations are our own flesh and bone, so marriage
creates a similar relationship between a wife and her husband.
And "they were both naked, and they felt no shame"
(verse 25) - they were like young children, unashamed at their
nakedness, deeply drawn to one another, free and uninhibited by
social or religious traditions.
That, I believe, is the ideal, but most couples enter marriage
with unrealistic expectations. A relationship has a much better
chance of succeeding when couples realistically understand what
they can and cannot contribute to each other's happiness and
well-being. We're going to look at four common mistakes couples
make in assuming what marriage ought to be like, and see how to
avoid them.
Mistake number one is to expect your spouse to be virtually
perfect. Marriage is an institution, and love is blind, so
they say, and therefore marriage is an institution for the blind!
It's certainly true that couples in love tend to view their
partners through rose-coloured glasses. When Michelle started
dating me, she would return home with a great smile on her face,
and her head in the clouds, and there was nothing I said or did
that wasn't wonderful. I was the original Mr Wonderful. Today she
realises just how wrong she was, and understands that I'm not as
perfect as I originally seemed to be. I'm sure even Adam and
Eve's relationship wasn't perfect. Adam probably squeezed the
toothpaste from the wrong end of the tube, and Eve probably
snored loudly in bed. It's a mistake to expect our spouse to be
perfect - or even close to perfect. Ask them to list ten things
they don't like about you, and you'll be surprised how imperfect
you are yourself!
A grandmother celebrating her golden wedding anniversary
wanted to pass on to younger generations the secret of her long
and happy marriage. "On my wedding day," she said,
"I decided to make a list of ten of my husband's faults
which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook." A
guest asked the woman what some of the faults were that she had
chosen to overlook. The grandmother replied, "To tell you
the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But
whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I
would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten!'
" It's a mistake to expect your partner to be virtually
perfect.
Second, it's a mistake to believe your spouse will meet all
your deepest needs. When we approach marriage, most of us
realise that there are certain deficiencies within us. Even God
recognised that Adam was incomplete without a partner! Within
marriage, we are capable of contributing to the mutual fulfilment
of each other's needs - security, significance, love, acceptance.
But it's unrealistic to expect your spouse to meet all your
deepest needs. Believe it or not, your spouse is also an
incomplete person! They don't have complete power or wisdom to
make you happy. But as you learn more about each other and work
together, you will be able to satisfy more of your needs. No
marriage on earth will be perfect, and only God is capable of
meeting our deepest needs - he "who is able to do
immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his
power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).
Together, you and your spouse and God make a great team.
Third, it's a mistake to assume that your problems are best
handled by ignoring them. It is true that some marriages are
unnecessarily tense because one partner makes mountains out of
molehills. Can you think of some examples? But generally if we
ignore our partner's differing point of view, we're asking for
trouble. The problem just gets worse; we suppress our true
emotions; our resentment increases; and humour becomes a
destructive 'cop-out.' That happens in my relationship with
Michelle. Open communication is so important for a strong and
healthy marriage.
English philosopher and writer Thomas Carlyle was so
preoccupied with his work that he often neglected his wife. It
was only after her death that he realised how he had taken her
for granted, and missed so many opportunities to talk with her
and share things together. In his diary he wrote these words:
"Oh, that I had you yet for five minutes by my side that I
might tell you all." Are our lives any different?
Communication is one of the keys to a happy and lasting marriage,
and problems will only grow worse if we ignore them.
Finally, it's a mistake to think that time and love will
resolve all your problems. A feeling of love doesn't
necessarily bridge the gap and provide the sense of connectedness
you need for a stable and lasting relationship. Instead of
assuming that time will take care of your problems, make some
positive efforts to resolve the conflicts you have. And be aware
that it's OK to be different from one another - you're meant to
compliment your partner, not clone them!
Chuck Swindoll, a Christian I greatly admire, host of the
radio program Insight for Living and now President of
Dallas Theological Seminary, was married for ten years before he
learned to appreciate the differences between his wife and
himself. He was often irritated that she didn't view things
exactly as he did. It wasn't that she argued - she just expressed
her honest feelings. But he used to take this as a lack of
submission, and told her so. Again and again they locked horns
until God showed him from Genesis 2:18-25 that his wife was
different because God had made her different, and that she was
more valuable to him because of those differences. She was not
designed to be his clone but his partner; time would not solve
all their differences. Her individuality, her uniqueness, would
help him become all that God intended him to be. And so it is
with us. Time and love will resolve all our problems, but we can
learn to live together peacefully. Learn to drop subjects that
always lead to argument; pray together about your differences and
ask God to help you use them for his glory; treat one another
with respect and dignity.
Good marriages don't just happen. They are the result of a
determination to overcome false assumptions, miscommunication,
disappointments, sin and heartaches that inhibit the
relationship. Good marriages do exist, but they only exist when
two people recognise the real issues holding them back, and deal
with these issues in a constructive way. For those of us who are
married, it's time to recommit ourselves to the partners God has
given us, and to our marriages. Marriage was part of God's
original plan for people; he still places great value on marriage
and family relationships; and he's there to help and heal your
marriage, no matter how difficult or fractured it seems. Couples:
learn to value your marriage in a fresh way, confess your faults
to one another and to God, and commit yourselves to making your
relationship stronger and deeper, starting today.
Resources:Gary Collins, Family
Shock (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1995); Ed
Wheat, The First Years of Forever (Grand
Rapids: Zondervan, 1988); email notes from Norman and Ann Bales,
Minden Church of Christ, Australia.
© 1996 Rod Benson. All rights
reserved.
This message was preached by Pastor Rod Benson at Flinders
Baptist Community Church, Ipswich, Australia, on Sunday 2 June
1996. Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy
Bible, New International Version.To respond, please email Pastor Rod.
Revised: 15 Jun 1996.
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