More notes from a seminar on Spirituality and Sexuality. Feel free to reproduce for discussion purposes…

BUT WHAT ARE THE REAL QUESTIONS?

(The following is in rough note form, comprising questions raised by the group. Any reactions to any of them?)

1. SEX AND THE FALL: WHY IS SO MUCH SEX BAD?

In the movie ‘Priest’ the radical priest ‘Father Matthew Thomas’ preaches a sermon attempting to reform their ideas about sexuality, and asks: ‘Do you think God gives a damn about what men do with their dicks?…’ That movie has some interesting/challenging ideas, but, as the newsletter of Broken Rites puts it (Broken Rites is a Collective that tries to bring church authorities to justice in cases of sexual abuse): ‘The rhetorical question, presuming God’s response in the negative against what is understood to be the conventional wisdom is just one example of a recurring technique used by the producers of the film. Antonia Bird’s principal characters are constantly co-opting the Divine wisdom in support of their revolutionary ideas. They are the new breed priests for whom the idea of celibacy and the confession of personal sins has become absurd. Fr Matthew clearly has been set the task (by his creators) of bringing a new Church, without dogma or doctrine, into being… Fr Matthew presumes to speak with authority regarding divine indifference to the sexual proclivities of men… Ask any child who has been sexually abused by a priest whether God gives a damn; or the child of a priest who suffers emotionally and financially because “father” refuses to face his responsibilities. Then ask the man whose wife is abused by her lecherous pastor in a counseling situation – the possibilities for abuse here are endless. Yes, Antonia, real people care profoundly about what men do with their sexuality. And it is tragically shortsighted and insulting to all victims of sexual abuse to suggest otherwise. One must have a strange conception of God indeed to presume that God would be indifferent to the plight of these people.’ (‘Priest: Marred by Insensitivity and Shallow Thinking’, review by Margaret Joughin, inFidelity, July 1995, No.7, pp.1,2, Broken Rites (Australia) Collective, PO Box 162 North Carlton Vic 3054, Phone 03 9384 0766)

There are three primal temptations: money, sex and power.

Many do not experience ‘the joy of sex’, but rather ‘the pain of sex’. In relationships sex is not only about romance, it’s about power – and sometimes about the oppressive abuse of power. In interpersonal relationships lust is using another person for one’s own ends, as an object of one’s own desires.

The recent (Sept. 1995) United Nations Fourth Conference on Women crafted a UN document on women’s sexual rights. Delegates from more than 180 nations accepted consensually that ‘the human rights of women include their right to have control over and decide freely and responsibly on matters related to their sexuality, including sexual and reproductive health, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.’ The broad debate (as with the 1994 Cairo Conference on Population and Development) was between those from liberal, secular nations and conservative religious nations. Interesting that the sexual clause deleted a reference to sexual orientation that would have recognized lesbian rights (a concession to the Vatican and Muslim delegations) but there is a general affirmation of women’s rights to empowerment over legislative agendas.

2. WHAT CONSTITUTES SEXUAL HARASSMENT?

The (Australian) Anti-Discrimination Board describes harassment as: ‘Any form of behaviour that is not wanted and not asked for and that: humiliates someone (puts them down), or offends them or intimidates them.’ There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes harassment. The key is how the action or behaviour affects the person it’s directed against. Even if the person doing the harassing does not intend to harass or offend, if someone thinks they’re being harassed and has tried to stop it, this could constitute harassment.’ Just this week a young woman told me of an older man at a conference who rubbed his hand over her back in a ‘massaging’ motion: she found this offensive.

Further discussion?

3. HOW CAN THOSE WHO WERE SEXUALLY ABUSED AS CHILDREN BE HELPED?

Last week ‘Jane’ (who has given me permission to tell her story) visited us again for counseling. She had been raped repeatedly by her father and elder brother, between ages of five and twelve. Her most vivid memories are being left bleeding on the cold cement floor of a shed at the bottom of the farm. She couldn’t scream. As I drove her to the airport last Thursday, she hinted that the abuse probably happened in her teenage years too, but she hadn’t allowed those memories to surface yet. Jane hates nights, hates to go to sleep: every night she has aweful, explicit nightmares. She often wakes from these feeling physical vaginal pain. And a recurring experience in her nightmares is to be choked by rough male hands as the male lies on top of her. She has had times in her life when panic attacks would seize and immobilize her. She has attempted suicide several times. And when she was hospitalized in psychiatric institutions she sat for over a hundred hours with different psychiatrists and psychologists and did not say a word. Now she talks freely – but not yet about some things. As we drove I said, ‘Jane, I sense you’re near to the point where you’ll take the cork out of the bottle and let all the words come out.’ ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I think I’m getting closer…’

Once when she was visiting us my wife and I sat in on the most amazing roomfull of people – women who had been sexually abused, all sharing what they could of their story with others who would understand. There was one woman who was very quiet; she was the last to speak, and all she said, angrily, was ‘All men are buggers!’

Those who have been sexually abused as children must somehow, with gentle help, face these realities:

# You are not dirty, cheap, ‘damaged’ or to blame if you were abused as a young child. The abuser was to blame; you did not deserve it.

# Small children feel they’re responsible for what was done to them: that is what the abuser tells them. The child is afraid, because they are usually threatened with dire consequences if they tell anyone. They are also fearful because they are weak and helpless through the process.

# Victims of abuse tend to have low self-esteem. Periods of their childhood may be totally forgotten. They are very angry, but generally direct their anger inward. They get depressed, experience severe mood swings, and suffer from one or more phobias. They usually have severe sleep disturbances and often have terrible nightmares. They have an inability to trust others, and have problems figuring out their various roles. Addictions (eating, drugs, alcohol, spending) are common.

# Until they are healed, sex is unpleasant, to choose the softest word. They have problems becoming aroused, and find some forms of sexual activity repugnant. Adults who were abused as children may become promiscuous, or addicted to pornography or various forms of aberrant sexual behaviour.

# Write down something like this and repeat it to yourself every day: I was sexually/emotionally abused, but I was not to blame. I will therefore not carry the responsibility for this violation of my personhood. The abuser will have to answer to God and their conscience for this atrocity. Although I was the victim, I am not going to let those events make me live in the ‘victim-mode’ now. I will not allow the past to govern how I feel in the present or the future. I am going to get on with my life, and with the help of God become a whole person.

# Every victim of child abuse I have counseled has been suicidal, or at least prone to self-destructive behaviours.

# How then are these sinned-against people healed? First, by affirming they were not to blame. Then, face what happened squarely. Talk it out with a counselor. Write letters to the one you are angry with – even if you do not post them. When and if you are ready, face the abuser with another person. The abuser will generally deny doing what they did, but the main benefit in this process is for you not the abuser. At some stage (for many it takes years) you might go through a process of forgiving the one who violated you, and about the same time pursue a ‘ritual of release and healing’ where you say good-bye to every aspect of the hurt and trauma. Perhaps you can imagine Jesus accompanying you on a journey through the events of your past, cleansing you of guilt and healing you of pain. Then prepare for a new identity. Shed the old self. Prepare for more negative and destructive thoughts and behaviour, and have a plan for dealing with these. Write down half a dozen encouraging Scripture passages and say them aloud to yourself when you are tempted to ‘cave in’ to feeling sorry for yourself (eg. Philippians 4:13, Jeremiah 33:3, Jeremiah 29:11 etc.). Live a day at a time, and perhaps before you retire tell yourself how you went that day – emphasizing particularly the positive aspects.

# ‘Where was God when I needed him?’ is a common question. There is no simple answer; but he suffered too. The abuser did it, not God. That’s the kind of evil world we live in.

# ‘But that person messed up my life.’ True and false. Certainly your childhood was spoiled, but you can be healed.

# How long does it take to be healed? Usually two or three years of solid work. But weigh that against the alternative: what will you still be like in a few years if you don’t work on the problem?

Q. One or two questions here about the results of sexual abuse: including ‘Why does one turn from, or freeze, at being hugged by anyone – even as a child?’

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• Being a Pastor Doesn’t Automatically Make You a Sex Therapist
• Is the Men’s Movement Dead?
• Making a Will

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