More notes from a seminar on Spirituality and Sexuality.
Feel free to reproduce for discussion purposes…

BUT WHAT ARE THE REAL QUESTIONS? (cont’d)

(The following is in rough note form, comprising
questions raised by the group. Any reactions to any of them?)

4. WHAT ABOUT PROSTITUTION?

Q. Do you think prostitution has a bad mental effect
on people?

‘It’s a necessary, depersonalized, evil…’ Is it?
Can resorting to a prostitute be therapeutic for some people?

5. HOW ARE SINGLE ADULTS SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH
THEIR SEXUALITY?

‘All are born single. Some remain single. Some have
singleness thrust upon them.’

Q: Why is attractiveness so important, and so connected
with love/sexuality? And in God’s plan should it be?

Q. What about masturbation? The Encyclopedia of Sexual
Behaviour notes: ‘No form of sexual activity has been more frequently
discussed, more roundly condemned and more universally practised
than masturbation.’

They say ‘90% of men masturbate and the other 10%
are liars.’ No one knows how many women masturbate: estimates
range from 30% to 90%. Here there are two broad issues: the first
has to do with self-control (a product of the Holy Spirit’s presence
in our lives). If a habit has mastery over us – if it is obsessive
- it can be a serious problem. But masturbation can provide a
non-destructive genital outlet when sexual intercourse is not
possible (e.g for celibates, or those with sick spouses). One
psychiatrically-disturbed middle aged man said: ‘Masturbation
prevented my having a nervous breakdown.’ The second factor here
are the fantasies: general or specific imaginative pictures of
scenes or persons we have in our imaginations as we masturbate.
When does this become lustful?

6. FORNICATION: SO WHAT’S WRONG WITH SEX BETWEEN
UNMARRIED PEOPLE WHO CONSENT?

Young people in particular today face more temptations
and opportunity for sexual experimentation than in any previous
culture. The pressure to ‘conform’ is very strong – and these
pressures come from boyfriends, girlfriends, magazines, pop stars,
television, and now the Internet.

So what are the Christian, or common sense reasons
to abstain from genital intercourse before marriage? ‘The Bible
says no’? The failure rates of contraceptives? The dangers of
sexually-transmitted diseases?

There’s a difference between sexual temptation and
sexual sin. Sexual *feelings* are OK: including attraction, excitement,
arousal, anticipation, sensitivity, and even fantasy. Sexual sin
is usually a matter of power and lust, where a person wants another’s
body for their own gratification. When lust leads one to conceive
of a plan to ‘possess’ another, a boundary has been crossed…

Q. What do we do with radical theologians like Spong
who suggest that the practice of sex outside of a heterosexual
marriage is not always wrong?

Q. ‘Sex without love is dysfunctional’. For/by whom,
male or female?

Q. ‘What was your advice to the engaged bloke who
couldn’t stop looking at women? Was it a problem? What were its
origins?

7. HOW CAN I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROMANTIC
AND REALISTIC LOVE?

You’ve heard M. Scott Peck’s famous statement about
romance: it’s nature’s trick to hook us into marriage. It’s psycho-sexual,
affective, emotional. But it’s not real love…

Real love is a choice; a matter of the will. Romantic
love is emotional…

So…?

8. HOW CAN MARRIED PEOPLE ENJOY A HEALTHY SEXUAL
LIFE TOGETHER?

Genesis says Adam and Eve ‘were both naked and were
not ashamed.’ This illustrates God’s one-flesh arrangement – where
two people who are totally and irrevocably committed to one another
are free, unashamed, transparent with each other. Boundaries are
few, if any, and there is a pervasive feeling of innocence and
trust. Indeed, two married lovers are, in a sense, childlike again:
being naked and unashamed with each other they are free to express
emotion, sensitive love. It is only possible to experience this
joy in a relationship where one ‘cleaves’ to one’s spouse…

In the Song of Solomon, where two lovers celebrate
erotic love, there is an intense, free power about the descriptions
of their sexuality. Notice that both lovers give and receive;
there is a mutuality in their sharing of bodies and lives; both
express their erotic delight in equally compelling terms. As Richard
Foster says in his book ‘Money, Sex and Power’, ‘Nowhere in this
book do you find the dull story of the man acting and the woman
being acted upon – quite the contrary! Both are intensely involved;
both initiate; both receive.’

What are the ingredients for terrific sex?

1. The couple is committed exclusively to one another
(in my view, for life, within a legally-recognized marriage).

2. Sex is more than the ‘rub and tickle’ of two bodies.
A wife told me: ‘I wish he knew that foreplay begins in the morning.’
The husband’s response: ‘I reckon sex brings us closer together;
she believes it works the other way around – if we felt closer,
sex would be better.’

3. Sex is more, much more than romance, but romance
‘colours’ sex: so soft lighting, quiet mood music, allowing enough
time, mutual massaging, nice perfumes/after-shave etc. are all
nice touches for ‘colouring’ sex.

4. Talk to one another about what pleases you. You
have not inherited an intuitive knowledge about the other gender’s
body: you have to learn. So don’t be bashful about giving information.
Read a book every second year about sex and talk about it.

5. If possible, be uninterruptible. Shut the door
and lock it. (If necessary, get an intercom to hear the baby,
and switch on the telephone-answering machine). Bill said to me:
‘We went on holidays and she wouldn’t make love.’ Jenny responded:
‘It was because the other couple were in the next room, and they
would hear everything!’ There are some creative ways around that
one.

9. WHY DO SOME PEOPLE COMMIT ADULTERY?

[Discuss]

10. IS THERE A ‘CHRISTIAN’ POSITION ON HOMOSEXUALITY?

[Another time: it's too big for today].

11. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MAN?

‘Dear God, Are boys better than girls? I know you
are one but try to be fair!’ (Children’s prayers to God).

See the chapter ‘"Be a man!" But what does
that mean?’ in my book ‘The Family: At Home in a Heartless World’
(CollinsDove, 1995).

12. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A WOMAN?

In Proverbs 31:10-31 there’s a compelling description
of an ‘Ancient Near Eastern Woman’.

Someone has summarized this magnificent passage thus:

Woman, the beauty and the excellence of her What
strength, what industry. O, the wisdom and the competence of her
What genius, what magnificence! And why ever not? She is the image
of Almighty God.

Q. Shouldn’t an adolescent girl learn from her father
that she is attractive, full-stop – not just attractive to a future
mate necessarily?

Q. ‘Oedipus rex’ or is it really a desire to have
an ‘important’ male figure (father substitute) assure one of one’s
beauty – or is it lust?

More…

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