HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER

-Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

-The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

-You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

-Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

-You get winded playing chess.

-Your children begin to look middle aged.

-You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

-You join a health club and don't go.

-You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

-You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.

-Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

-A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

-You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

-You look forward to a dull evening.

-You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.

-Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

-You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

-You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.

-Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

-You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

-You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

-After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

-Dialing long distance wears you out.

-You're startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

-You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

-You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

-You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m..

-Your back goes out more than you do.

-A fortune teller offers to read your face.

-The little gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

-You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

-You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

-Your sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

-You go to the beauty shop so they can touch up those gray hairs...on your chin.

-When you go to get your hair cut...in your ears.

-When you don't know where the mustache ends and the nose hair begins.