Sexual Addiction–No One’s Immune

Number 13

Church crises can take it’s toll, often lending itself to various
obsessions or addictions. The following outline/overview covers what is
perhaps the most damaging to congregations, pastors, and their families.
Notice how this outline underscores the importance of effective coping
mechanisms especially in crises! When these mechanisms fail, individuals
may frantically seek destructive substitute coping mechanisms such as
addictions.

Enjoy the reading. I’ve put it in outline form to help facilitate
speed-reading of the contents. God Bless!

Tom

SEXUAL ADDICTION–NO ONE’S IMMUNE

Sex is a drug. Like other addictions…

* It builds tolerances to ever-growing quantities which produce
ever-diminishing returns of relief.

* It produces withdrawal symptoms.

* It is an obsessive-compulsive response to trauma, loss of control,
failure of coping mechanisms, etc.

“As the obsession turns to compulsion, the addict finds himself in the act
of doing things he doesn’t want to do, things he has promised never to do
again. It is as though he is standing outside himself, pleasing with
himself not to go on, but deaf to his own cries.” (1)

Characteristics of Sexual Addiction

* Done in isolation

* Secretive

* Impersonalizes sex

* Detachment

* Double Life-A “public” and “private” self

* Addict devoid of authentic interaction

* May have victims (children and/or adults)

* Leaves addict with greater guilt, emptiness, shame and despair.

Levels of Sexual Addiction

Level I: The self-deceiving “not that bad” things–fantasy, pornography
(magazines, video, cable TV, Internet, etc.), masturbation.

Level II: Satisfying the obsessive craving-live pornography, nude dancing,
affairs, fetishes, phone sex, inappropriate “accidentally on purpose”
touching.

Level III: Criminal Activities-prostitution, “casual” and “intentional”
voyeurism and exhibitionism.
Level IV: Severe Criminal Consequences-child molestation, sexual assault,
rape.

The Addiction Cycle

1. Obsession…

“The addiction loses the ability to concentrate on daily life as his mind
becomes Saturday of how he or she will obtain relief. The trigger can be
anger, shame, pain, anxiety, poor-me obsession with hurts, or a from of
pornography.”(2)

2. The Hunt…

The addictive craving is driven to action.

3. Recruitment…

Identify and obtaining a “victim”-pornographic magazines, peep show,
enticing unsuspecting person.

4. Gratification…

“Finding the right kind of pornography, or the right kind of partner, or
the right brand of perverse sexual behavior is what fuels the addictive
process from one level to the next.” 2

5. Return to “Normal”…

Usually the relief/release is only temporary. Relapses are almost certain
to occur.

6. Self-Justification…

Self-talk such as “No one was hurt, it was really OK, everyone does it.”

7. Blame…

Scapegoats someone (parents, society, God, etc.) for the dreadful feelings
instead of accepting responsibility

8. Shame…

Recognition of the shame of the addiction

9. Despair….

Finally, the pain of acting out the addiction is greater than the despair.

10. Resort to other addictions…

Healthy or unhealthy

11. Promises…

Never to do it again.

Origins of Sexual Addiction…

* Poor coping mechanisms in trauma.

“Those with poor coping mechanisms will often use sex as a means to reduce
stress. They may become periodic abusers, resorting to sex only when the
pressures of life are at their worst. The greater the stress and more
frequently the stressors surface, [the greater likelihood that]…compulsive
behavior and addiction [will speed up]….The quickest relief [of the
stressors] is often seen as sexual” (3)

* Self-obsession with guilt, shame, fear;

* Childhood abandonment, history of abuse;

* Dysfunctional family or origin;

* Lack of intimacy with spouse, family, friends;

* Generalized detachment and unapproachability, rigid social boundaries;

* Inability to forgive molester, and/or persistent anger.

How To Avoid/Overcome Sexual Addictions

* Check for mental illnesses-clinical depression often perpetuates
obsessive thoughts. (cf. http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/public.html)

* Commit to a long-term/lifetime recovery or support group.

* Find someone (of same sex) to whom to be accountable.

* Develop a “protection” plan to avoid sources of sexual addiction.

* Consider professional counseling for the really deep hurts.

* If possible, leave the source of trauma (It’s better to change churches
than lose a ministry to sexual misconduct!).

* Differentiate more effectively.

* Develop effective coping mechanisms.

* Use the crisis creatively to deepen your personal spirituality and
connectedness with God (e.g.

Biblical Readings–Psalms, Jeremiah, et al); Scott Peck’s, Road Less
Traveled Series; Chas. Stanley, Advancing Through Adversity, et al.).

* Pray for strength in weakness and the ability to “let go”.

* Do anything possible to learn, understand God’s undeserved grace and
forgiveness (e.g. Walther’s Law and Gospel, et al.)

Tom

For more information see Stephen Arterburn, “When Sex Becomes An
Addiction.”
Full article available from American Family Association Outreach Division,
Box 2440, Tupelo, MS 38803. 1-601-844-5936

Footnotes:

1 page 1 of “When Sex Becomes An Addiction.”

2 page 4 of “When Sex Becomes An Addiction.”

3 page 5 of “When Sex Becomes An Addiction.”

(c) Copyright, 1997 Thomas F. Fischer – All Rights Reserved

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