From:  (B Hall)
Newsgroups: aus.religion.christian
Subject: Re: Abuse Issues (was Re: Women in Leadership)
Date: 5 Jun 1998 20:49:52 GMT

Behold! Anonymous () did say unto us:

> The purpose of this post is to give an abuser's perspective.  And it may
> surprise you, but we suffer too (some of us, at least - probably those
> who are "repentant")

Thank you so much for this. I can't tell you how it moves me. My
experience has been that abusers never accept any responsibility for what
they've done.... I'm more grateful than I can say to see that there ARE
those who come to know remorse.

I've been an abuser, too (not sexually abusive, but emotionally and
verbally so). I understand the pain of remorse intimately, as well as the
pain of betrayal and of being abused. 

It took a lot of courage for you to admit what you'd done and confess it
and start to heal. Thank you for your courage and for your honesty.

> For a long time I seriously considered killing myself because I hated
> myself.  

Been there, done that. 

> The counselling didn't touch my interior, just my exterior -

Been there, too. 

> and I am sure that's the way it would be again with a counsellor who was
> not a known friend (that's just the type of person I am).

*nod* I have the same issue with counsellors. Andrew ended up being my
confessor as I worked through all sorts of abuse related issues. (And he
still loves me and wants to marry me, which I find remarkable, given the
stuff he knows about me.) 

> Even now, I have an exterior facade that I use as a defense when my
> friends make disgusted comments like, "How could anyone do THAT??!", all
> the while unaware that someone who has "done THAT" is sitting next to
> them.  

I understand this, too. I used to hear people talk about women who were in
abusive marriages and say "Why don't they just LEAVE? It's their own fault
that they stay!"  Such depth of understanding... 

I also understand the shock and horror of "How could anyone do THAT?!"
The trouble is, the vast majority of people in the world don't WANT to
know how anyone could "do that".

> In myself, I have a very hard time coming to grips with the idea that I
> could be lovable, because I'm always searching for a way to justify my
> self-hatred.  

Been there, done that. Took years of work to overcome it. 

> I just wanted to post this to make you all aware of the other side of
> the coin too.  

Oh, I'm aware. Again, I do thank you for sharing this.  

> Admittedly, there are abusers who don't care, but there
> are those of us (probably a minority) who do.  

Yes, you are a minority, from everything I've seen. 

> We suffer as a result of
> the things we have done to others.  We're not monsters - we're people
> like you, and we're probably all around you.  And we hurt.

You're a real, living, growing Christian. And all of us, if we ever look
or find a way to really SEE ourselves, should have lots of things that
cause this sort of remorse, the sort that leads to repentance and to
growth. Pain is a powerful motivator for growth; sometimes it's the only
thing that works to force us to grow or move forward. 

> 
"...
> 
 The pain of living is so unbearable,
> 
 I want to die.

> 
 And this is why I choose to live --
> 
 Because such is my desert."

Here's one I wrote: 

Bittersweet
the tears of sorrow
flow without ceasing
Oh, Lord
I see my sin
in all its gruesome glory
and I'm so deeply sorry
Again, again, I failed You
Again, I failed myself
Again, I used my will to harm
and not to heal or help
Forgive me, Lord
and allow me to vent my grief
allow me to make right
the things I did wrong
My sorrow consumes me

And worse
I know that I deserve this pain
And more and more and much more

Forgive me, Lord
although I know
that I do not deserve it
Forgive me, Lord
and take this sorrow from me
Remove this cup of bitterness
But not my will
but Thine. 

> PS. I'm not trying, in any way, to detract from the immense pain in the
> abused's lives, but merely to show that abuse hurts _everyone_.  

It is one of Satan's greatest tools. 

Thank you for this post. I, for one, deeply appreciate it. It's
unbelievably gratifying to see an abuser who actually LEARNED and took
responsibility.

Maybe abusers DON'T always win (I'm still strugging with this, and yes, I
know it's irrational, but it's how I feel right now). 

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