by Mikal Frazier

The Positive Side Of Anger

Anger is God-given. It is an emotion closely connected to our
survival instinct. It protects us from harm as it readies us for
action. And as Harville Hendrix says in _Giving the Love That Heals,
anger is "also the other side of hurt, shame, and humiliation—
emotions and experiences that also stir the survival instinct."
Hendrix goes on to say, "If anger were always suppressed, passion
would atrophy, and our children could become victims of many dangerous
circumstances."

Anger is always a secondary emotion. It is precipitated by emotions
like hurt, fear or frustration. Anger is the response to these
emotions. For this reason it is easy to focus on the anger and overlook
the underlying issues.

As Norman Wright and Gary Oliver point out in _Raising Emotionally
Healthy Kids_, "anger is energy. Our kids can choose to either
spend it or invest. A parent’s job is to teach children to harness and
channel that energy in healthy, positive, and constructive ways."

Negative Anger In Our Children

As you can see, anger can be positive and useful. It protects us.
It signals us that something is wrong. And it is energy to accomplish a
desired outcome. But as Hendrix points out, "When uncontained,
anger sabotages a desired outcome." This is the kind of anger that
concerns parents when they see it in their children.

When parents come to therapy with concerns about their children’s
anger, it is this uncontained, sabotaging anger which is creating the
parents’ alarm. When this is the presenting problem, there are three
areas to examine.

First, what skills in managing and containing anger are being
modeled for the child? "My mother told me the other day that she is
surprised at how angry I get when she tells me I can’t have everything
my way. While she was talking to me her voice got louder and louder and
her face became red. She said, ‘Haven’t I told you that nobody will
respect you if you keep losing your temper the way you do? You’ve got
to get rid of that habit!’ You should have seen how mad my mom was when
she told me that I need to quit being so angry!" (from _The Angry
Teenager_ by William Lee Carter).

Our most effective method of teaching our children is by our own
behavior as parents. Parents report that managing their own anger is
one of their most difficult tasks. In a seminar entitled "In Their
Father’s Eyes," David Lewis, et al., reported that children also
state that their parents’ angry outbursts have been among their most
hurtful experiences. Along with this modeling, the parents also need to
have good information about managing anger and teach those skills to
their children, by example and by relating specific information.

Secondly, what does the child’s uncontained anger accomplish? Just
as behavior is goal-oriented, so is emotion. Uncontained anger may be
helping the child to gain attention, power, revenge or display
inadequacy. Parents must practice loving the child with detachment and
not give the emotional payoff. In response to their children’s anger,
parents must avoid feeling annoyed, angry, hurt or helpless themselves.
These feelings in the parent can initiate all kinds of behavior on the
part of the parents in order to soothe their children’s feathers. Many
parents do "cartwheels" in order to squelch their children’s
anger.

Third, who else in the family is angry? Is the child’s behavior a
metaphor for someone else’s anger in the family? An angry child is a
very serious problem and can sometimes require honest soul-searching for
the entire family.

A Parent’s Response

As a parent you can begin to do something different in response to
your child’s anger. Harville Hendrix outlines an effective process in
_Giving the Love That Heals. He uses the term "intentional
dialogue" to describe this particular process. He delineates three
elements to this process.

The first element is mirroring. In mirroring, we reflect back the
content of the message we have heard. The second element is validating.
We let the child know that what he is feeling and saying makes sense
and is understandable. The third element is empathy. You communicate
that you understand your child’s feeling and perspective.

Because modeling is so important, as parents we can learn new skills
in managing our own anger. We can begin to use "I" messages
to express our own hurt, fear and frustration as we own our emotions and
accept responsibility for our responses.

* * * * *

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you
can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal
Frazier. Her address is <>

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Southern Hills Church of Christ
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