by Mikal Frazier

The Positive Side Of Anger

Anger is God-given. It is an emotion closely connected to our survival instinct. It protects us from harm as it readies us for action. And as Harville Hendrix says in _Giving the Love That Heals, anger is "also the other side of hurt, shame, and humiliation--- emotions and experiences that also stir the survival instinct." Hendrix goes on to say, "If anger were always suppressed, passion would atrophy, and our children could become victims of many dangerous circumstances."

Anger is always a secondary emotion. It is precipitated by emotions like hurt, fear or frustration. Anger is the response to these emotions. For this reason it is easy to focus on the anger and overlook the underlying issues.

As Norman Wright and Gary Oliver point out in _Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids_, "anger is energy. Our kids can choose to either spend it or invest. A parent's job is to teach children to harness and channel that energy in healthy, positive, and constructive ways."

Negative Anger In Our Children

As you can see, anger can be positive and useful. It protects us. It signals us that something is wrong. And it is energy to accomplish a desired outcome. But as Hendrix points out, "When uncontained, anger sabotages a desired outcome." This is the kind of anger that concerns parents when they see it in their children.

When parents come to therapy with concerns about their children's anger, it is this uncontained, sabotaging anger which is creating the parents' alarm. When this is the presenting problem, there are three areas to examine.

First, what skills in managing and containing anger are being modeled for the child? "My mother told me the other day that she is surprised at how angry I get when she tells me I can't have everything my way. While she was talking to me her voice got louder and louder and her face became red. She said, 'Haven't I told you that nobody will respect you if you keep losing your temper the way you do? You've got to get rid of that habit!' You should have seen how mad my mom was when she told me that I need to quit being so angry!" (from _The Angry Teenager_ by William Lee Carter).

Our most effective method of teaching our children is by our own behavior as parents. Parents report that managing their own anger is one of their most difficult tasks. In a seminar entitled "In Their Father's Eyes," David Lewis, et al., reported that children also state that their parents' angry outbursts have been among their most hurtful experiences. Along with this modeling, the parents also need to have good information about managing anger and teach those skills to their children, by example and by relating specific information.

Secondly, what does the child's uncontained anger accomplish? Just as behavior is goal-oriented, so is emotion. Uncontained anger may be helping the child to gain attention, power, revenge or display inadequacy. Parents must practice loving the child with detachment and not give the emotional payoff. In response to their children's anger, parents must avoid feeling annoyed, angry, hurt or helpless themselves. These feelings in the parent can initiate all kinds of behavior on the part of the parents in order to soothe their children's feathers. Many parents do "cartwheels" in order to squelch their children's anger.

Third, who else in the family is angry? Is the child's behavior a metaphor for someone else's anger in the family? An angry child is a very serious problem and can sometimes require honest soul-searching for the entire family.

A Parent's Response

As a parent you can begin to do something different in response to your child's anger. Harville Hendrix outlines an effective process in _Giving the Love That Heals. He uses the term "intentional dialogue" to describe this particular process. He delineates three elements to this process.

The first element is mirroring. In mirroring, we reflect back the content of the message we have heard. The second element is validating. We let the child know that what he is feeling and saying makes sense and is understandable. The third element is empathy. You communicate that you understand your child's feeling and perspective.

Because modeling is so important, as parents we can learn new skills in managing our own anger. We can begin to use "I" messages to express our own hurt, fear and frustration as we own our emotions and accept responsibility for our responses.

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If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is <>

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Southern Hills Church of Christ
Shreveport, Louisiana
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Mikal Frazier:
Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org