* 'Cynthia', a university student wrote: 'When I was sexually abused as a child and raped as a young girl, I felt numb. Feeling was just too much. After the first sharp jolt, I realized that this was just too much for me to bear, and I left my body. I felt scared and confused and ashamed. I couldn't trust anyone, but was terrified of being alone. Most of all, I felt worthless. I hope for change. I work on healing myself and other women. I try to protect myself. If I feel safe, I will tell other people about my experience, with the hope that they will understand. With the hope that if they understand, they will not allow this horror to continue.'

* Between the ages of five and nine Jane (not her real name) was looked after by an uncle when her parents were sometimes away, working on a distant farming property. This man used to bath her, play with her sexually, and sometimes have full sexual intercourse with her. He would rationalize what he was doing ('lots of people enjoy tickling each other like this') but he would threaten her with dire consequences if she told anyone ('this is our little secret'). She became very fearful, but couldn't scream when it was happening. The parents were so preoccupied with their work they didn't take any action when their daughter became depressed ('she'll grow out of it'). Now, aged thirty eight, she has terrible nightmares, every night, with dark monsters coming at her with knives and other fearful objects. She 'puts up with' the sexual side of their marriage, but uses all kinds of excuses to avoid sex if possible. She has been hospitalized regularly for severe depression. And she feels 'cheap and nasty', and very angry with the uncle who abused her. Except for a high school girlfriend, she had never told anyone else about these events, until her GP referred her to me. She remembered everything, she thinks, but it took three or four sessions before she could talk with some freedom about what happened... On one occasion I suggested she pretend her uncle was sitting in a chair across the room and tell him precisely how she felt. She spoke to a large cushion we have, and after ten minutes of pouring out her pain and anger she turned to where I was seated and, even more angrily cried out 'And where were you God when this little girl was being raped? Did you care?' (How would you have responded?)

Recently I received a letter from her. Here are some excerpts: 'For the past few weeks I have been praying that God will bring to the surface all the painful things that happened to me as a child. I have suppressed so much of my past. I want everything to come out because I know that if it doesn't it will destroy me and I will never be free to leave the past where it belongs. The nightmares won't go until I bring everything out... [As I talk] more things are coming out about the sexual abuse. I have held so much in out of fear and guilt. I feel so unclean and hate myself for what has happened. I know my anger should be released and redirected towards the one who did it all to me but I find it so hard to do. It seems easier to punish myself. I can't scream because I'm still afraid. I feel choked and nothing comes out. Yet I long to scream to let everything out... This past week all I seem to have done is cry and have panic attacks. The memories are so painful. I keep on getting hurt. My uncle hurt me so badly... There are no excuses for my uncle sexually abusing me. He should have been there to protect me. Sorry for rambling on. I can't even write this letter without stopping and crying. Thanks again for listening...'

What can we say to Cynthia and Jane, and to many others like them?

# You are not dirty, cheap, 'damaged' or to blame if you were abused as a young child. The abuser was to blame; you did not deserve it.

# Small children feel they're responsible for what was done to them: that is what the abuser tells them. The child is afraid, because they are usually threatened with dire consequences if they tell anyone. You were also fearful because you were weak and helpless through the process.

# Victims of abuse tend to have low self-esteem: so you are not unusual there either. Periods of your childhood may be totally forgotten. Abused children are very angry, but generally direct their anger inward. They get depressed, experience severe mood swings, and suffer from one or more phobias. They usually have severe sleep disturbances and often have terrible nightmares. They have an inability to trust others, and have problems figuring out their various roles. Addictions (eating, drugs, alcohol, spending) are common.

# Until they are healed, sex is unpleasant, to choose the softest word. They have problems becoming aroused, and find some forms of sexual activity repugnant, or emotionally and even physically painful. Adults who were abused as children may become promiscuous, or addicted to pornography or other forms of aberrant sexual behaviour.

# Every victim of child abuse I have counseled has been suicidal, or at least prone to self-destructive behaviours.

# How then are these sinned-against people healed? First, by affirming they were not to blame. Then, face what happened squarely. Talk it out with a counselor. Write letters to the one you are angry with - even if you do not post them. When and if you are ready, face the abuser with another person. The abuser will generally deny everything, but the benefit in this process is for you not the abuser. At some stage (for many it takes years) you might go through a process of forgiving the one who violated you, and about the same time pursue a 'ritual of release and healing' where you say good-bye to every aspect of the hurt and trauma. Perhaps you can imagine Jesus accompanying you on a journey through the events of your past, cleansing you of guilt and healing you of pain. Then prepare for a new identity. Shed the old self. Prepare for more negative and destructive thoughts and behaviour, and have a plan for dealing with these. Write down half a dozen encouraging Scripture passages and say them aloud to yourself when you are tempted to 'cave in' to feeling sorry for yourself (eg. Philippians 4:13, Jeremiah 33:3, Jeremiah 29:11 etc.). Live a day at a time, and perhaps before you retire tell yourself how you went that day - emphasizing particularly the positive aspects.

# Why do people do this to defenceless little children? Put simply, incest is a destructive example of love gone wrong. The adult is emotionally immature, unable to develop a mature love and closeness with other family members without genitalizing that loving. As one psychologist put it, 'Sexually abusive persons do in the family what millions of persons do outside the family; they "use" someone for the "act" of love in a misdirected and desperate search for a sense of true loving and for safety from their fear of true intimacy.' The person wants to connect and share with another, but doesn't know to do it responsibly. The most frequent form of incest is between brother and sister, then between father and daughter or male family members and younger girls and women. The least frequent form of incest is between an older female and a female child... Because male-initiated incest is more common, this means that sexism, power and control are behind these corrupt interactions.

# 'Where was God when I needed him?' is a common question. There is no simple answer; but he suffered too. The abuser did it, not God. That's the kind of evil world we live in.

# 'But that person messed up my life.' True and false. Certainly your childhood was spoiled, but you can be healed.

# How long does it take to be healed? Usually two or three years of solid work. But weigh that against the alternative: what will you still be like in a few years if you don't work on the problem?

# Write down something like this and repeat it to yourself every day: 'I was sexually/emotionally abused, but I was not to blame. I will therefore not carry the responsibility for this violation of my personhood. The abuser will have to answer to God and their conscience for this atrocity. Although I was the victim, I am not going to let those events cause me to live in the 'victim-mode' now. I will not allow the past to govern how I feel in the present or the future. I am going to get on with my life, and with the help of God become a whole person.'

Rowland Croucher (from my book 'The Family', HarperCollins, p. 248 ff.)