By Chip Alford

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (BP)–Characterized by a high divorce rate and a
low regard for commitment, America is losing the concept of a strong,
healthy family. But it doesn’t have to be a terminal condition, a child
psychiatrist and popular Christian author and speaker said.

"God is always in charge and he will see us through; we have
that promise," Grace Ketterman told almost 700 church workers
attending the National Preschool/Children Convention Oct. 19-22 at
LifeWay Christian Resources in Nashville, Tenn.

Teaching Bible-based qualities for healthy relationships is an
important key to solving the family breakdown, she said, describing such
instruction as "very possible" and "urgently
needed."

Ketterman has been helping troubled families for more than 40 years
through speaking engagements, counseling sessions and books such as
"Parenting the Difficult Child" and "Mothering in All
Ages and Stages."

"In working with troubled families, so often I find that
children’s problems come from marriage problems," Ketterman said,
noting 60 percent of American elementary school children come from
single-parent or blended families.

Referring to research first conducted 30 years ago and replicated in
later studies, she shared six qualities common to strong, healthy
families:

1) Commitment. "They are committed to one another as
individuals and to the family as a whole," Ketterman said. "So
many people are operating under a philosophy of hedonism, groping and
grasping for any kind of pleasure. It’s so easy to quit, but we have to
be able to think more wisely."

Children often lack commitment to follow through with assignments
and responsibilities, Ketterman said, because parents fail to model
appropriate behavior. "Permissive parenting" also has resulted
in many children being unable to understand and cope with anger and
frustration. "We teach it by being committed ourselves, sticking to
our promises," she said.

2) The ability to cope with crises. "This isn’t just the huge
things like a cancer diagnosis or broken bones," Ketterman said.
"These things often bring families closer together. It’s the little
things that usually cause friction, like when the school bus is coming
and you can’t find one of the kid’s shoes."

She said parents and children must learn "to stop power
struggling and start problem solving." Making wise decisions
requires learning to size up the situation, identify options to solve
the problem, examine the consequences and make the best choices.

3) Effective communication. "This demands that we learn to
listen," Ketterman said. "It demands an open mind to hear all
the sides of an issue, to understand emotions and all the things that go
on within us. … We need to learn to ‘listen’ with our eyes. Our eyes,
faces, body gestures and posture give away so much of what we are
feeling. With little children, this is so very crucial."

4) An affirming and appreciative attitude. "We have to learn to
build up people instead of tearing them down," she said. "We
can teach children a different [more positive] way of speaking."

5) Activity sharing. "Healthy families share in all kinds of
things they do, not just recreation, but work, too," Ketterman
said. This can involve everything from helping children with homework
and doing yard work together to playing board games and sharing a family
meal.

"By sharing activities, we can further the bonding process that
begins at birth," she said. "Sometimes we think bonding
happens only at birth, but it goes on for a lifetime."

6) Practicing their faith at home. "How common it is for us to
delegate teaching to the schools and the teaching of faith to the Sunday
school," Ketterman said. "How often parents are shy about
using the name of Jesus." But the healthy family "talks
naturally about God, about faith, about what God is doing in their
lives," she said.

The lessons parents teach children are for a lifetime, Ketterman
said. "They impact them all along the route of their life."

The National Preschool/Children Convention was sponsored by LifeWay
Church Resources, a division of LifeWay Christian Resources.

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