by Marjorie Lee Chandler author of AFTER YOUR CHILD DIVORCES (Zondervan, 1997), and contributor to A MOTHER'S TOUCH, (Zondervan, 1998).

Many find it difficult to handle the greatest source of family conflict -- anger. Especially between an adult child and father, anger can be a roadblock that causes the younger person to doubt God the Father's love and care.

"You'll never grow up," a father may yell at a son who has made a mistake at school, work, or in an unfortunate investment.

"You're just like your mother -- irresponsible!" a divorced father may hoot to his grown daughter. These accusations cut deep into the heart of a child of any age, and anger is the natural response to  put-downs and unfair judgments.

Hostile anger is almost always harmful. When an angry child attacks his or her dad, it forces the father to defend himself.

On the other hand, cold indifference only prolongs and adds to the conflict. Neither retort brings resolution, and the relationship remains mired in anger. In fact, most problems between father and adult child come from getting "stuck" in unresolved anger.

The key to controlling anger is understanding the buried feelings that cause those inner irritations. Anger can actually provide the power to get at the source of problems between a grown child  and a father. No question is more basic than "Why am I angry?"

Next is learning to say in a conversational tone what you feel and what you want from your dad.

Kay Marshall Strom, writing in MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOUR FATHER  (Zondervan, 1992), says, "Anger can have beneficial effects... Instead of blaming and insulting your father, you can talk to him about your anger. You can explain to him that he has hurt you. Then you can tell him why you were hurt and what you need from him."

In describing "Beneficial anger," Strom writes:

* "Beneficial anger is kind. It allows you to look your dad straight in the eye when you talk to him. Your tone of voice and your choice of words show that, although you are angry, you care about your father's feelings.

* "Beneficial anger is specific, rather than general. It allows you to avoid lecturing or intimidating your father. It holds you back from trying to change him.

* "Beneficial anger is receptive. After you have explained to your father how you feel, beneficial anger allows you to be quiet and listen to what he has to say. It keeps you from interrupting him. It lets you try to understand how he feels.

* "Beneficial anger recognizes that your father has a right to release his anger too. You may be quite surprised at the way in which your dad will react to your ability to see his point of view."

Dr. Neil Warren, former dean of the Graduate School of Psychology at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, California, counsels that the first step in handling anger is getting your self-concept in  shape. "The better you feel about yourself, the more effectively you will process your anger," Warren writes in MAKE ANGER YOUR ALLY (Doubleday, 1983).

Anger is actually a useful servant, uncovering the need for changes in a child-parent relationship. Well-thought-out strategies for handling lingering anger can heighten your desire to make things better between you and your dad. Carefully expressed, beneficial anger can work for you, turning around long-seated hostility.