Rape

'Will I ever feel Okay again?'

"The experiences and suffering of each child who has been raped is a journey into a hell that few can understand. Many feel that they are dying- sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally, sometimes spiritually. Indeed, many feel totally dead inside. But the journey is not over. These are only the early effects of the damage. Many long-term effects carry over into adult years. All of this has to be worked through to find the journey back." 1.

I am very aware that no research paper or book can ever do justice to the pain and suffering that childhood rape victims endure, as words are simply not adequate. The secrecy, the shame, and the fear that go hand in hand with childhood sexual abuse is too much for any little girl to carry on her own, and yet often they do carry the load alone, and all too often unnoticed. Childhood rape happens all the time. Somewhere in your neighbourhood, a little girl is holding her teddy bear, crying all alone, confused and frightened with no place to hide. When this little girl grows up, she will struggle in many different ways.

Rape causes tremendous damage. When the child should have experienced loving support, protection, affirmation, and encouragement, she has instead received exploitation, manipulation, blame, abuse, twisting of love into sexual perversion, betrayal, and deep inner pain. Instead of developing self-confidence and the ability to take on new and emerging tasks of life, she remains stuck in confusion, self-hatred, helplessness, isolation from others, buried anger, tons of guilt, overwhelming shame, perplexing sexual arousal, and the deep inner pain of a broken heart. A part of them has been forced all too soon into the adult world, and a part is developmentally stuck as a child due to their trauma, leaving them confused and with little knowledge of what is 'normal'. Deep feelings of anger and shame mixed with the confusion of arousal are felt without an understanding why these feelings exist. They have come to expect exploitation from others. They are in need of genuine care.

It is my intention in this research paper to discuss the recovery process and the challenges faced by women who have lived through childhood rape. For recovery to take place, the challenge is that others understand the inner confusion and pain, and the repetitive cycle of self-hatred that is unintentionally fed by the victims' need to recount the tragic events of their lives. I am speaking from my own personal experience. This is a journey that I have travelled myself. It is a story of my own 'haunted forest'.

1. Perry L. Draper. 1996. Haunted Memories, Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, p. 63,64