A. Shock and confusion

‘What happened? Should I tell someone?’

"The victim of abuse is left thirsty and then is forced to participate in
consuming something that both touches the legitimate thirst of her being, while also
destroying the very aspect of her being that has been relationally aroused."

At the time when a child is raped, she is not emotionally equipped to make sense of all
that is happening. It is all very confusing to her (see Appendix C) and often she does not
have a sufficient vocabulary to verbalise what has happened. Often children internalise
their feelings, and blame themselves for what happened. There are many reasons why a child
might choose not to tell anyone. Maybe she believes the offender’s threats, wanting to
protect those close to her or she might have simply received a message from others before
that it is not worth it. 

B. Denial and rationalisation

1. Family coping mechanism – ‘Don’t tell the truth, they cannot cope’ "It was as
if I could distinctly separate myself into two separate identities – the one who looked
together physically, mentally, and spiritually, and the one who held and struggled with
dark secrets forever locked inside my own wounded heart."

Each family has their own coping mechanisms, with both spoken and un-spoken rules. A
  dysfunctional family might have ‘rules’ which forbid discussion about anything that
would require members to relate in an intimate way, or by the truth being brought out into
the open about the embarrassing childhood sexual abuse. These rules about not telling can
be so strong, that the child can deny even from themselves that the abuse ever took place.
This way she doesn’t have to break any family rules. (see Appendix D)

Often a victim of sexual abuse also receives ‘mixed messages’ from the people closest
to her. (see Appendix E) She feels puzzled and confused.

Dr. Dan B. Allender. 1992. The Wounded Heart Workbook, Colorado Springs: Navpress, p.
126 Ibid. p. 108

2. Individual coping mechanism; self denial – ‘It’s not really that bad’ People who
tend to consciously or subconsciously disbelieve the truth about a particular event live
in denial. They pretend that what in reality happened to them never took place. Some women
who have been raped as children deny that the event ever occurred. "It is usually a
traumatic moment when recognition occurs – when a woman’s past crashes into the
present.", explains John Courtright. It is understandable that a person may want to
retreat from the truth of what happened. Yet with encouragement she can walk into the
process of recovery.

3. Individual coping mechanism; rationalisation – ‘I’m fine’
"Rationalisations" says Benner, "are excuses and explanations that
superficially seem plausible but which actually distort or misrepresent reality." The
woman who rationalises often downplays the severity of her past abuse. ("It wasn’t so
bad … I know many women who were abused worse than me"). Some women rationalise
by believing that they somehow invited the rape. Or a woman may imagine that it happened
to her because she was a bad person.

Regardless of the mechanism a woman uses to cope with the woundedness – and regardless
of whether the mechanism is the result of or defense against the pain of her experience -
the mechanism can lead to dysfunctional patterns in her thinking and in her behaviour. If
and when she seeks help in dealing with her past, the connection between her past abuse
and her dysfunctional patterns will surface. When she makes that connection, she moves
into the first stage of the actual recovery process. 

C. The long-term damage of rape

Powerlessness

‘Why could I not stop the rape?’

One of the long-term damages caused by rape is powerlessness. A child rape-victim
experiences an imbalance of power in the relationship between herself and her abuser. A
child is left powerless to fight against an older and a stronger person, who is often an
authority figure. This imbalance of power can be carried through to adulthood, where the
adult woman now has difficulty building relationships which are equal in power.

John Courtright and Dr. Sid Rogers. 1994. Your Wife Was Sexually Abused, Grand Rapids:
Zondervan Publishing House, p. 77,78

David Benner. 1990. Healing Emotional Wounds, Grand Rapids: Baker, p. 56

John Courtright and Dr. Sid Rogers. 1994. Your Wife Was Sexually Abused, Grand Rapids:
Zondervan Publishing House, p. 77,78

Dr. Dan B. Allender writes,

"Abuse strips a person of the freedom to choose. When an abused person feels
powerless, she internalizes an image of herself as profoundly inadequate. She deeply
questions her ability, competence, and intelligence. The abused woman will often see
herself as mentally deficient. As long as she is unintelligent and likewise , she can
explain both why she was powerless and hope that she can become more powerful (through
studying, improving her speaking skills, or listening more attentively)".

Betrayal

‘I was betrayed’

One of the many effects of sexual abuse is that it hinders the victim from trusting
other people. Children who have seen love distorted and abused can develop a mindset of
distrust. This mistrust can easily be projected to authority figures, and even God.
Patrick Parkinson states that child sexual abuse is a sin against the soul of children as
well as the body.

Ambivalence

‘I am experiencing contradictory feelings’

"I want intimacy, but I am afraid of it. Come in and I will be your friend, but if
you get too close, I can shut down."

"Ambivalence can be defined" says Dr. Dan B. Allender, "as feeling two
contradictory emotions at the same time". Central to understanding ambivalence is the
fact that the very thing that was despised also brought some degree of pleasure. The
conscious use of past abuse to stimulate is another source of deep ambivalence. The
internal cost of ambivalence is massive shame and contempt. The consequences of this is
the hatred of longing. The abused person tries to control their longing so that it doesn’t
get out of hand. 

Dr. an B. Allender. 1995. The Wounded Heart, Colorado Springs: Navpress, p. 126

Patrick Parkinson. 1997. Child Sexual Abuse and the Churches, London: Hodder &
Stoughton, p.27,28

Dr. Dan B. Allender. 1992. The Wounded Heart Workbook, Colorado Springs: Navpress, p.
118

Dr. Dan B. Allender. 1990. The Wounded Heart, Colorado Springs: Navpress, p. 143

Depression

‘I am in pain, and I am not in control’

Perhaps the most common problem experienced by adult survivors of childhood rape is
that of chronic depression. Basic symptoms of depression include some of the following:
 

-feeling sad, hopeless, discouraged, or ‘down in the dumps’

-increased irritability

-loss of interest in or enjoyment of pleasurable activities

-significant reduction from previous levels of sexual interest or desire

-loss of appetite or increased appetite

-insomnia or excessive sleep

-extreme agitation or slowing down of movements and responses

-decreased energy, tiredness, or fatigue

-sense of worthlessness, guilt, or self-blame

-difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions

-easily distracted

-memory loss

-recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Survivors of childhood rape will identify with most of these, particularly with
feelings of sadness, dejection, and hopelessness. Many have few happy days and a generally
bleak outlook on life. They take a more negative view of life and don’t expect many
positive things to happen. Life is a daily struggle just to keep going, and it frequently
becomes overwhelming. There always seems to be some catastrophe around the corner.
Sometimes there just seems to be no strength to go on. Many days are filled with heaviness
and sadness, when the tears seem to come from nowhere. The depression can come and go for
no apparent reason, but it never seems to disappear completely. Something is wrong, but
what?

Survivors of childhood rape deal with various levels of depression, but all experience
it to some extent. Some have periods of hopelessness, but they are able to get going
again. For others the depression becomes unbearable, overwhelming, and continual. For
those whose struggle is very  severe or who are emotionally more fragile, the battle
seems so hopeless and endless that they may attempt suicide as an escape from their
suffering.

American Psychiatric Association. 1994. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders, 4th edition., p. 320-322

The deep sense of hopelessness that characterises depression is caused by the
experience of being trapped by the rapist with no way out. The child could not fight off
the abuser or stop the rape. There was no way to express all the horrible feelings that
built up within. Everything was trapped inside, and it became very overwhelming. Her
defeated, trapped mindset carried over into adult life. The turmoil is too great, the pain
too deep, and the normal and expected growth in self-confidence and problem solving has
been damaged. The adult seemingly has no escape.

Other secondary symptoms

‘It has effected me in so many ways’

Sexual dysfunction

Women who were sexually abused may have difficulty or be unable to engage in the sexual
activity that was forced upon them. Penner states;

"These women may have sexual phobias or aversions which are extremely tenacious
resistances to being sexual. The panic reactions or avoidance may be to sex in general or
to the specific sexual activities that were associated with the traumatic event. Some
women do not want to have anything to do with sex with their husbands. Others who were
forced to simulate a man cannot look at or touch their husband’s penis, but can enjoy all
other activity."

Low Self-esteem

Low self-esteem leads to feelings of emptiness. Adults often think that the love of
someone else ‘fills them up’, or ‘fills the void inside’. In reality it is a persons
response to love that ‘fills them up’. The thought processes of people who have not had
security early on in life rests on a base of shifting sand, on feelings of being unloved,
and feelings of suspicion and lack of trust. These people entertain suspicious, paranoid,
mistrustful and negative thoughts not only about others but also of themselves, with
negative evaluations of their own performance and about the world at large. The problem is
not with the thinking, but with the lack of love underneath. Insecure people think
insecure thoughts.

Children who have been sexually abused often show a number of signs of low  
self-esteem, including self-hatred, suicidal depression and a sense of hopelessness.

Perry L. Draper. 1996. Haunted Memories, Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, p. 72,73

Joyce J. Penner and Clifford L. Penner. 1990. Counselling for Sexual Disorders, Dallas:
Word Publishing, p. 192

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. J Townsend. 1996. The Mum Factor, Grand Rapids:Zondervan
Publishing House,p.32,33

Broken Relationships

Victims who develop a low level of self-worth during childhood will sometimes go on to
make poor choices in adult relationships. Victims of childhood abuse may eventually marry
or live with men who also show disrespect for their feelings and bodily integrity.

Feelings of Emptiness

A woman who has been sexually abused develops a vacuum – a big void inside. Many go on
looking for fulfilment from many different sources. Often these women grave to be loved
and cherished, never feeling fulfilled. One woman puts it this way: "I’ve got this
great big hole inside, and it’s creating a terrific vacuum. If you don’t plug it, I’m
going to suck something in I don’t want to be there. I want to feel all the way down to my
toes that I’m loved. I want someone to cherish me, not abuse me. I’m just going to die if
I don’t get some of this."

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder is likely to occur when a person has been the victim of
rape as a child. One of the symptoms is a heightened state of alertness, as if danger will
return at any moment, and the person must not relax her guard. It is manifested in
sleeplessness, irritability and ‘trigger-fast’ reaction to anything that is startling.
 

Another symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder is the persistent intrusion of the
traumatic memory. This is typically in the form of repetitive nightmares, but it may also
take the form of daytime flashbacks. These recollections of the situation carry a sense of
immediacy and intensity, and in extreme cases the person may relive the trauma unaware of
present circumstances and surroundings. The traumatic memory lacks the distance of a past
event that has been put into perspective. It’s pain is not dulled by reason nor by the
rationalisation.

Where the memory has been repressed, the trauma remains unresolved and shows itself in
symptoms which the person cannot relate to any known causes. The occurrence of flashbacks
and nightmares is the beginning of these traumatic memories breaking through into
consciousness, needing to be dealt with if healing is to occur.

Laurie Hall. 1996. An Affair of the mind, colorado Springs: Focus on the Family
Publishing, p. 159

Patrick Parkinson in his book ‘Child Sexual Abuse and Church’ writes the following:
"The victim of traumatic sexual abuse who has not reached the point of being able to
deal with the trauma may be trapped in a state of fear in which the world is seen as a
dangerous and unpredictable place and in which she is unable to feel even a reasonable
degree of safety."

Denial no longer works

‘The rape is having an effect on my life’

At some point the victim of childhood rape can no longer explain away the continuing
effects experienced. Her everyday life in one way or another becomes unbearable. The
warning signals that something is wrong are so strong and loud that she cannot ignore them
any longer. She is willing to seek help. This is the point where she will usually seek
counselling or therapy.

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