Shame is like cancer of the spirit, an inherent feeling of defectiveness, of 'not
measuring up' as a person. Understanding shame is fundamental for understanding the
effects of childhood rape. Shame differs from guilt in that it is not so much an emotion
as it is a mind-set or a perception about being a defective person. Shame is feeling
'bad', stupid, inadequate, incapable, a failure, worthless… empty (see Appendix F). A
person's self-concept is a deeply private experience. Shame gives the perception of being
completely visible but not ready to be visible. Shame says: "I'm afraid to tell you
who I am because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I
have." The degree to which people are convinced that they are loved unconditionally; that they
are valuable, gifted and special, and that they are not alone to face life's struggles is
the same degree to which they will be able to love, serve and build others up. The degree
to which individuals are not convinced of these things is the same degree to which they
will function out of emptiness and shame. Patrick Parkinson. 1997. Child Sexual Abuse and the Churches, London: Hodder &
Stoughton, p.123,124 Lynn Heitritter and J Vought. 1989. Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse, Minneapolis:
Bethany House Pub., p. 145 John Powell. 1969. Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? Tabor Publishing, p. 21 Jeff Van Vonderen. 1985. Good News for the Chemically Dependent, Thomas Nelson
Publishers, p. 78-80 'I feel so worthless' When people try to hide feelings of shame, there will inevitably be 'signs' of their
internal struggle. Here is a list of some of these 'faces' that are used by childhood rape
victims, as given by Lynn Heitritter and Jeanette Vought:27 1. They are tired - physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. They are tired
of trying to please others, of trying to please God, and often just tired of living. 2. They have a shame-based identity, almost always feeling that something is wrong with
them or that they are 'less than' others. 3. They feel that their value comes from what they do or don't do, what they have or
don't have. 4. They are unaware of personal needs or how to get those needs met. Because of not
knowing what 'normal' needs are and how they can be appropriately met, the 'norm' for them
might be feeling that they should not even have needs, or that others are totally
responsible for meeting their needs. 5. They usually feel over-responsible for things that happen. They develop a 'radar'
that looks for signals in situations around them to see what they did to 'cause' the
circumstance to happen. 6. They tend to be 'martyrs', feeling helpless and incapable. 7. They do not often speak directly or straightforwardly, especially about their
feelings. 8. They feel as if they don't 'belong', desperately wanting intimacy but being afraid
of others and pushing them away. 9. They cannot have guilt-free fun. 10. They often look for meaning to life through various ways - pleasing others,
children, spouse, money, sex, ministry, food which often leads to addictions. 11. They are 'survivors' of their sexual abuse, but they tend to stay in relationships
where they can use those same 'survival skills'. 12. They have a very hard time trusting God or people. 27 Lynn Heitritter and J Vought. 1989. Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse, Minnepolis:
Bethany House Publ., p. 148-150 'I am not aloud to talk' Carrying a secret of childhood rape can have disastrous consequences. This dark secret
often contains two subsecrets. Firstly there is the struggle to keep the truth of what
happened from oneself, and secondly there can be a compulsion to protect one's parents
and/or others. The victims are set up to lose their sense of self, their will, their feelings and
their needs, and therefore they keep themselves from knowing what happened to them. Those
who are raped as children must develop powerful defenses in order to survive. When there
is threat and anxiety, one becomes ruled by fear. One's mind experiences a kind of
closure. Without a self a child no longer knows the truth of their own childhood. This is
very damaging. Nearly all survivors of childhood rape have some degree of 'amnesia' regarding their
abuse. The most disturbing aspects of the rape are the most susceptible to amnesia.
Survivors frequently remember how an incident began but have forgotten the most intrusive
part (the orgasm of the perpetrator and/or how they were treated afterward). The most
painful aspects are those most probable to be forgotten. Sexual abuse can be described as the most secret crime of all. There are no witnesses,
and yet the betrayal, humiliation, and degradation are 'murder' the soul. Since toxic
shame causes one to want to hide, the natural tendency of the victim is to be silent. The
abuse is too horrible for words, especially for the vocabulary of a child. She wants to be
rescued, but the offender and the family let her know that it is not possible. The need to
forget is thus powerfully reinforced. The sexually abused child has no allies. The desire to carry this dark secret is so strong that many women never tell themselves
or others the truth of their childhoods. If they do, it is often twenty or thirty years
after the event took place, and even then it requires a lot of courage. The desire to protect one's parents is so strong that even if the parent themselves was
the source of one's abuse, the child will still have an absolute need to idealize her
parent. Children need to believe their parents are okay because their parents are
necessary to their survival. John Bradshaw. 1995. Family Secrets, New York: Bantam Books, p. 218 A child may create a fantasy parent who is good, so that no matter how cruelly the real
parent acts, the child sees them as good. Since children get their identity from their
parents, and since the real parent is abusing them, they conclude that they themselves are
bad and evil - otherwise the loving parent wouldn't be doing such painful things. There are several different forms of betrayal that characterise the nonoffending
parent(s). Complicity. Although this form of betrayal is difficult to imagine, it occurs often
enough to be mentioned. This involves the parent planning for the child to be abused by
another adult or older child. Chosen neglect or denial. Despite the parent actually knowing of the abuse, or
otherwise seeing enough signs to warrant concern, they choose to ignore or deny the
evidence. Character weakness. This form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim
having no place to turn once abuse has occurred, because they know that the parent will be
unable to help them due to their weak character. Thus, a parent does not need to know
about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. Abuse victims rarely admit the near 'impossibility' of securing help from their family
of origin; rather they blame themselves for not seeking help. This desire to protect one's parents can be carried well into adulthood. By keeping the
secret of childhood rape from non-offending parents, the victim is still protecting her
parents and possibly also the offender if he is known to them. The decision to finally
tell the secret to one's parents as an adult, is a very difficult one. The different
responses have to be considered beforehand and a good support system has to be
established. Telling the truth after carrying a secret for possibly over twenty years can
leave a person feeling very raw, naked, and exposed. The feelings of uncertainty as to the future relationship between one's parents also
causes anxiety. On the other hand, it can be very healing. It can be an experience of
finally being set free. Dr. Dan B. Allender. 1990. The Wounded Heart, Colorado Springs: Navpress Books, p.
132,133 When the abuser is not a parent of the child, the important questions to ask are, 'Did
the child tell the parent? Did the child feel comfortable asking for protection?' If the
child did not tell, then it is the parent's duty to at least ask 'why not?' What in their
lives may have stopped the child from asking for help? If answers are found, what can be
done now about those events that happened twenty or thirty years ago? Although this is almost always a painful process, Dr. Dan B. Allender states, "To
struggle with the past is to see the present with greater clarity." The patterns of
why a child may not have felt safe twenty years ago are likely to still be in operation.
It is for the sake of today that failure in the past is to be faced. 'I am walking on eggshells' Often dysfunctional families are more concerned about 'how things look' than how things
really are. The child who has been raped knows this. She doesn't want to upset her
parents, and therefore goes on pretending that nothing has happened. She can keep doing
this well into her adult life, still wanting to live by the unhealthy but powerful family
rule of 'keeping appearances' at any cost. 'It's a long and dusty road' One of the initial starting points in recovery from shame is breaking silence about the
'secrets' surrounding the abuse. The sharing those secrets needs to take place in a safe
and caring environment and with those who are trustworthy. This sharing will help the
individual to identify shaming messages they received, perhaps from many sources, in
addition to the abuse. Growth and freedom from shame will occur as the victim talks about
experiences about which she feels shame. Another step in the recovery process is for the victim to see the importance of getting
support from others - a therapist, a pastor, a support group or a combination of these
resources. It is difficult for childhood rape victims to ask for support because they feel
unworthy of receiving help. Ibid., p. 279 Developing an awareness of defense mechanism that have accumulated for survival or
protection is another key in recovering from shame. Defense mechanisms have usually
evolved from many years of trying to cope with the effects of the rape, and in that regard
may seem to have served a useful purpose. "In the process of recovery, the grip of
these defense mechanisms can be released as the victim is strengthened enough to let go of
the protection they provide" It is important for victims to learn more appropriate
defense mechanisms to protect their personal boundaries when they feel they are in unsafe
environments. 'Did I cause the rape to happen?' Guilt is a very common sequel of sexual abuse in childhood. So many victims feel guilty
because they believe that they are in some way responsible for the abuse. Often the victim
of sexual abuse will prefer the emotion of guilt to that of helplessness, as it is an
easier burden to bear with regard to self esteem. Feeling guilty for not stopping the
abuse is a way of believing that the victim had some power and some measure of control,
rather than helplessness in the face of overwhelming adversity. 'It will happen again, maybe this time to my daughter' Many times a person who has experienced sexual abuse can live a life of fear. Fear can
manifest itself in many different ways. Many events can cause fear. Darkness, being alone
with a person of the opposite sex, being in places or seeing things that remind the person
of the abuse or simply just being alone. A mother who has been sexually abused as a child might also become totally overwhelmed
with the fear of her own daughters being abused. She might develop many paranoid ways.
(see Appendix G) Lynn Heitritter and J Vought. 1989. Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse, Minneapolis:
Bethany House Publ., p. 150,151 Patrick Parkinson. 1997. Child Sexual Abuse and the Churches, London: Hodder &
Stoughton, p.117,118 'I hate what he did to me' Anger is another powerful emotion associated with sexual abuse. Healthy anger is the
type that locates the responsibility solely with the perpetrator, but it often takes time
for an abuse survivor to reach this point. Commonly, when the survivor who has not yet
come to terms with the abuse has bottled up the anger, rather than directing it
appropriately at the one who was responsible for the pain, it comes out in all sorts of
other ways. "The abuse survivor who is not given permission to be angry", says
Patrick Parkinson, "may simply bottle up the anger, with internally destructive
effects". Identifying the feelings of anger and finding appropriate ways of
expressing them are very important steps in the healing process. 'What do I have to lose to keep you happy?' "What I am most aware of is how I am suspicious that others genuinely desire my
well-being." The harm of sexual abuse not only includes physical violation, but also violation of
the spirit - that trusting nature which assumes goodness in people and believes that the
world is a safe enough place to live in. The destruction of that trust can have far-reaching effects. At its most extreme,
sexual abuse can leave the child with a sense of alienation from the world. It is a
terrifying thing for a child to realise that someone who expresses love and affection for
the child can be a source of great danger. Child sexual abuse turns the world upside down
for its victims. It makes enemies safer than friends, and those who love them potentially
the most dangerous of all. Because trust is essential for relationships, the children who are often the worst
affected are those who were abused by people to whom they should have been able to look
for nurture. The sense of betrayal and being 'let down' can be very damaging and can make
it much harder to trust again. Sexual abuse can shatter a child's belief in the basic
goodness of people. It can have long-term effects on a person's capacity for intimacy.
Some victims of abuse put walls up around them, afraid of truly knowing or being known,
afraid of loving and trusting again because their sense of betrayal is unresolved. Ibid., p.122 Dr. Dan B. Allender. 1992. The Wounded Heart Workbook, Colorado Springs: Navpress, p.
131 Patrick Parkinson. 1997. Child Sexual Abuse and the Churches, London: Hodder &
Stoughton, p.124, 125 Women who have been raped as children also tend to find it difficult to have close
non-sexual relationships with men. This is because the relationship that in their
childhood should have been non-sexual was forced to become sexual. As an adult this woman
sub-consciously fears to get close or even receive compliments from a male in fear of the
relationship turning sexual. 'I have lost something valuable' "I was really thrown for a loop. I was not prepared for the fact that as I allowed
that little girl to grieve and grow up, this woman would feel more and have a depth to her
she had never known or experienced." The healing process of women that have experienced childhood sexual rape is often very
similar to that of a grieving process of a person who has lost a close loved one.
Therefore it would be wise to study grief counselling in order to know how to help a
sexually abused person. Their grief can sometimes be overwhelming. This is hardly
surprising for they have lost something very valuable. Many childhood rape victims grief
their innocence and lost childhoods. The pain that follows can be excruciating. 'What if I am pregnant' Since I am writing about childhood rape you might be wondering why I am including a
section about pregnancy counselling. If a child is defined as being anyone under the age
of sixteen, then a pre-adolescent girl of between 11 and 15 is in some cases able to fall
pregnant from the rape (see Appendix H). It should be said that a teenager who finds
herself pregnant has no easy choice to make. Abortion is definitely no easy choice.
Adoption can also be extremely difficult and painful. Deciding to become a teenage parent
is no easy task either. No matter what her choice is this teenager will need a lot of
support and help. The younger the teenager is the more directive the counselling should
be. The older she is the more non-directive her counselling should be. Dr. Dan B. Allender. 1992. The Wounded Heart Workbook, Colorado Springs: Navpress, p.
180 Even if the child does not fall pregnant, the fear of pregnancy can be overwhelming,
and a huge burden for her to carry. Even a child who is physically too young to fall
pregnant can have this fear. A child might not know that she is still too young to fall
pregnant. It is important to understand that a child with very little sex education can
still make a connection between the rape and pregnancy. (see Appendix I) If the adolescent
rape victim is pregnant, it is important that she realise that no baby is a 'mistake'.
There are no 'illegitimate children', however there are illegitimate and illegal acts. The
life inside her is precious and perfect, and in making decisions regarding the future of
the pregnancy she need not abhor the life inside due to the circumstances of it's
conception. 'I need a way out of this mess' From all that I have seen and read, I have concluded that recovering from an abortion
in instances of rape is often more difficult than recovering from the rape itself. If one
has to cope with both it will be a heavy road that will follow. In the words of Sue Nathanson it is easy to see the despair into which she fell after
aborting her child: "I am a shriek of horror and anguish, straining with all my might
somehow to reverse what cannot be reversed, what is irrevocable. I do not know, I cannot
imagine, how I will be able to live the horror of what is, the horror that I alone have
caused." It is very important that a teenager who has fallen pregnant from being raped will seek
the support of caring, independent counselling. It is important that counselling is from
an agency not involved in providing abortion. This is because it is vitally important that
the teenager receives full, accurate information about her choices. She should also be
made aware that many women who choose abortion suffer long term emotional effects, such as
depression, tearfulness, anxiety, guilt, anger and sadness. JoAnn Bren Guernsey. 1993. Abortion, Minneapolis: Lerner Publications Company, p.14 'A piece of me is missing' Pregnancy outside of marriage is no longer considered as disgraceful as it once was,
and thankfully adoption procedures have become much more humane. Most of the secrecy and
shame has been taken out of the process. The feelings of the birth mother, and her need to know that her child is doing well,
are taken into account. It has to be mentioned that it is very painful for a birth mother to give up her own
child. She will need a lot of love and support. 'This isn't easy' If a young teenager gets pregnant and chooses to keep the baby, she will go through a
lot of struggles and issues with early motherhood (see Appendix J). Depending on the age
of the teenager, there is the option of becoming a young mum, and keeping her baby. Even
the younger child could do this with support. These aren't easy decisions to make, and the whole issue could become an other research
paper. That is why I have only included a brief summary of the topic of pregnancy
counselling. 'Reality has hit home' One of the big steps in the recovery process from childhood rape is when the victim is
able to name the abuse for what it was. 'I was raped by my uncle at the age of seven' or
'My grandfather didn't only sexually abuse me throughout my childhood, but he also raped
me when I was ten years old'. It might sound like a small change, but her protective
mechanisms have been working overtime for so long that she has not been able to recognise
the abuse for what it really was. She may wake up one morning and out of the blue say
something like: 'I think I was raped.' She has known all her life what happened, but this
is the point when it finally 'hit's home'. She is finally able to realise how significant
the event was. Gisela Meier. 1994. Teenage Pregnancy, New York: Marshall Cavendish, p. 57 'I feel lost in a haunted forest' Life gets worse because her next stage of recovery is typically a reliving of her
painful experiences - which impose a incomparable torture on her. Her refusal to deny or
repress the past any longer may open a floodgate of painful emotions and memories. From
having repressed every memory of the rape, she may suddenly remember every detail - and
experience afresh the intensity of the emotions she felt at that time. Even more likely, she may experience the pain, anger, and rage she could not or did not
allow herself to feel as a young child. But the painful process of reliving the most
painful memories of her abusive past is critical and necessary for her recovery. She needs tremendous courage to face her past abuse; the last thing she needs is a
counsellor or a friend to tempt her to escape her pain. Escaping is probably what she has done ever since she was wounded. Genuine peace and healing cannot skirt the necessary step of her reliving her pain, as
hidden or repressed pain will not 'go away' until it is dealt with properly. If pain is
being experienced, then the person might as well deal with it all rather than prolong the
pain over years to come. The process is necessary and the result is worth it in the end. The darkness lasts only for a season. The light will break through. 'To forgive or not to forgive, that is my question' "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself
against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my
close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at
the house of God." "Why should I forgive my rapist? He doesn't deserve it!" Even 'Christian'
victims feel this way. But somehow we know we are supposed to forgive the people who hurt
us. If we choose not to forgive, we are the ones that will suffer the most because of it.
John Courtright and Dr. Sid Rogers. 1994. Your Wife Was Sexually Abused, Grand Rapids:
Zondervan, p. 79-81 Psalm 55:12-14 Lee Ezell describes her forgiveness process in the following way: "That's
how I felt: victimized. Apart from an error in judgment, I hadn't done anything wrong. But
that wasn't the issue. The question was "Will you forgive that man?" I had to
forgive him for what he had done, not for what he intended. "Lord, I forgive him. I
can't judge his thoughts. But his actions have hurt me deeply and altered the course of my
life. I forgive him not because I feel like it but because You have told me to do
so." Forgiveness is a difficult but powerful process. It is probably the most significant
mile-stone in the whole recovery process. Something supernatural happens when a person
chooses to forgive someone who has come very close to destroying her whole life.
Forgiveness for sexual abuse takes time and grace. The longer the emotions have been
buried, the more that the victim has internalised the offender's rationalisations and
excuses, the longer it takes to come through the process to be able to place the blame
where it lies and then to forgive. Forgiveness is a process. It cannot be forced, and it should not be done prematurely.
The victim of childhood rape should first be allowed to feel the full impact of the abuse,
so that she knows what she is forgiving. The supernatural help of God is very much needed
here, because our natural self finds it extremely difficult to forgive under these
circumstances. Speaking from personal experience, the freedom that follows cannot be
described. God's blessings will follow. Many people have come to view 'forgiveness' as being polite and ignoring offence.
Nothing could be father from the truth. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, it does not
mean trusting the offender and, most important of all, it cannot in itself be the basis
for a restored relationship with the offender. If the latter is to occur, the offender has
much that only he can do. Lee Ezell. 1986. The Missing Piece, Ann Abor: Servant Publications, p.43 'I am doing it out of forgiveness, not out of revenge' The idea of facing the offender is controversial among experts and difficult for
survivors of childhood rape. John Coutright states, "The primary consideration in
determining the wisdom of confrontation must always be the growth and health of the person
in recovery." My personal opinion is that it is a necessary part of recovery. If it
is impossible to confront the offender face to face due to geographical distances or
death, the same can be accomplished in other ways. A letter can be written, a phone call,
or a 'pretend' person can be confronted in a counselor's office. If the person chooses to confront her offender face to face, it can be done together
with her counsellor, especially if there is any fear of a re-offence. Even if the risk is
low, she might benefit from the support. A husband is not a good person for this as they
are too emotionally involved and cannot be relied upon to act in a beneficial manner.
Others choose to do it by themselves, feeling it is the best for their situation. Whether
or not she goes to her offender on her own or with support, or even if she calls or writes
a letter, she would get the most benefit from it if she did it after she has forgiven him
from her heart. Otherwise, she might later feel that her 'business' with the offender is not complete. ' I am doing it for my own sake' A person in recovery should not expect a particular response from the abuser, but
should be prepared for any response - including the worse-case scenario. The success or
failure of the confrontation rests not with the responses of the person confronted but
with the resolve of the confronter. A woman in recovery places herself at the mercy of her
abuser (again) if she requires a certain response from him. To avoid this, the woman's
focus should be not the abuser's response, but her own words and feelings during the
confrontation. If after the confrontation she can say: 'I've said what I needed to say, in
the way I needed to say it, and I've placed the appropriate blame for the abuse squarely
on the shoulders of the abuser - where it belongs,' then she has accomplished a successful
confrontation. John Courtright and Dr. Sid Rogers. 1994. Your wife was sexually abused, Grand Rapids:
Zondervan, p. 84 Ibid., p. 86 'I wish it was easier' Of all the childhood rape cases that occur, very few are reported. This is due to many
different reasons. Often the offender is a family member, a relative or a close friend and
it is difficult to report under these conditions. Many times the child is too young to
understand exactly what has happened, or if she does tell someone but is not believed,
there is very little that the child can do. The difficulty of reporting a past childhood
rape is that it is often difficult to prove. This is especially the case if the rape
happened more than twenty years ago, and yet often this is how long a person needs before
they are able to fully understand the nature of the abuse as well as the consequences of
it. (See Appendix K for proscribed Victorian jail terms for convicted rapists.) 'I need the support' An important if not vital part of the recovery process for a victim of childhood rape
is to belong to a reliable and trustworthy group of friends, such as a church 'small
group'. However not all church groups are relational or place importance in sharing, so it
is important to choose a group carefully. It can be very lonely to sit in a group of
people who communicate on a 'small talk' level, when a person is facing potentially life
changing struggles. If the childhood rape victim feels comfortable with her 'group', she might begin to ask
for prayer or support not necessarily explaining her circumstances, but some of the
symptoms she is experiencing, e.g. depression. This will not only benefit her in coming to
terms with her past, but also 'stretch' the group and not be superficial. When others
understand some of her pain and offer caring and soothing words, she will feel she is not
completely alone. As Paul exhorted the Colossians, "Clothe yourselves with
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12 Friends 'A friend loves at all times' What is a friend? A friend travels the road of
life with you. A friend is a companion who comes alongside to walk with you. Friends don't
push you to go in a certain direction against your will, nor do they hold you back from
going where you want or need to go. Friends keep pace with you step for step; they don't
try to play God in your life; they simply commit themselves to travelling with you
wherever God leads you. The two kinds of friends to find are supportive friends and
skilled friends. Supportive friends will 'be there' for her - will listen to her and
accept her regardless if they actually understand what she's dealing with. Skilled friends
on the other hand understand because they have been there. They know what she's thinking,
they know intimately her intense and tormenting feelings because they have walked in her
shoes, they have asked the same questions. Also, they might have reached some conclusions
that may prove invaluable. There is no help like the help offered by those who have
traveled the same road. Sometimes the process of recovery from childhood rape takes such a long time (often
many years) that friends and church family get impatient. To this it must be replied, how
much harder is it for the person going through it? To be sure the victim would like it to
be over, and be moving on with their lives. The problem is that the effects of childhood
rape are so extensive and deep that recovery does not happen overnight. What she needs is friends who will encourage and install hope. However, one word of
warning. Friends who have had similar experiences of childhood sexual abuse in their own
childhoods and yet have decided not to deal with it, are likely to stunt another's
recovery and have a negative effect on their friend looking for healing. True, the one
dealing with their past can challenge their friend who is avoiding dealing with their
past, but it can be very exhausting to continuously justify her necessity for going
through the process. Friends who give each other the 'right' to go through their own
struggles and healing processes are worth more than gold (see Appendix L). John Courtright and Dr. Sid Rogers. 1994. Your wife was sexually abused, Grand Rapids:
Zondervan, p.111 'My life can now go on' Jesus said: "I have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more
abundantly" Although life may not be easy at times, it nevertheless is intended to be
fulfilling and abundant. It is not intended, nor do people need to be in 'bondage' because
of their past, rather these issues can be dealt with and fulfilling life can be
experienced. At some point in the recovery process the 'victim' becomes an 'overcomer'. She can now
go on with her life. She is free to spread her wings and fly (see Appendix M). It has been
a long and complex process, but the freedom it brings is all been worth it. 'I have finally put the rape into perspective' There comes a point when the rape is finally put into perspective. It is not unusual to
take five years of 'recovery' to come to this point. The quality of life that follows is
worth the effort and work, as she begins to assimilate into her environment as a stronger
and more confident person, no longer living the life of a 'victim'. 'I am going to take control of my life' Childhood rape victims have not been taught how to have healthy boundaries. Instead,
they may; 1) have no boundaries at all, 2) have functional boundaries only part of the
time or with certain people, or 3) use walls instead of boundaries. There are obvious
flaws with the first two outcomes. The trouble with 'walls' of the third is that although
they keep people out, they also keep out intimacy and the person behind the wall often
gets very lonely. John 10:10 J. Keith Miller. 1991. A hunger for healing, New York: Harper Collins, p.241 Boundaries affect all areas of our lives: -Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us, how and when. -Mental boundaries give us freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. -Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage us from the
harmful, manipulative emotions of others. -Spiritual boundaries help us distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed
awe for our Creator. Another damaging effect of abuse is the destruction of the sense of ownership over the
victim's very being or 'soul'. In fact, victims often feel that they are public property -
that their resources, body, and time should be available to others just for the asking.
Thus, an important part in the recovery of an abuse victim is to establish and maintain
appropriate boundaries. 'I can relate to your pain' Lee Ezell writes the following words that had a huge impact on my own recovery when I
read them for the first time. "I realised that for the first time it was the very
experiences of my past which now qualified me to speak to this woman's fears. The truth
that I had learned could enable her to be free and have hope for the future. Maybe I can
exhort others to not waste their sorrows but turn their stumbling-block experiences into
stepping-stones." What a revelation! Individuals who have been through traumatic experiences in their lives often have a
deep desire to help others who are hurting. This is a scriptural concept, as illustrated
in 2 Corinthians 1 where Paul writes about comforting others with the comfort with which
we have been comforted. Often women who have experienced childhood sexual rape feel inadequate in 'ministry'.
Ministry tends to bring out many unresolved issues which can often discourage the person.
It can be difficult and draining, but with God's help it can also become a source of
healing (see Appendix N & 0). Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. 1996, Boundaries, Sydney: Strand Publishing, p.
227 Lee Ezell. 1986. The Missing Piece, Ann Abor: Servant Publications, p. 92, 136A. Struggle with shame
Definition
Signs and warning signals
Family Secrets
Appearance Management
Recovery from shame
B. Repressed emotions
Guilt
Fear
Anger
Loss of trust
Grief
C. Pregnancy counselling
Introduction
Abortion
Adoption
Keeping the baby
D. Reliving through the trauma
Identifying the abuse
Fully feeling it
E. Forgiving the unforgivable
Forgiveness
F. Facing the offender
The right timing
Coping with different reactions
The legal system
G. How can church and friends help?
Church groups
H. Acceptance and assimilation
Acceptance
Assimilation
Healthy Boundaries
Ministering to others
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