Quick summary of how I survived:

Survival:

Ages 2-10

Hatred, desire for revenge, and a driving need to keep my siblings safe. I knew that if I died, their lives would become far worse. So, my love for my sister and brothers also drove the need to stay alive.

Ages 10-23

Revenge, and learning everything I could that would facilitate my taking revenge when I got old enough, big enough, and skilled enough. A burning desire to prove the judge wrong who said that I and my siblings would never make it, that we’d end up in prison, an institution, or worse. Love for my sister, then later love for my guardians also helped me survive. My sister, however, attempted suicide when I was 23 and nearly succeeded; becoming quadreplegic, blind, and brain-fried. She’s now a ward of the state.

I lost contact with my brothers when I was 10 when they were placed in a different foster home - and subsequently returned to my mother and stepfather.

Ages 23-current

Long slow transition from revenge and hatred to where I am now; starting when I was 18 and did a lot of research to find out for myself the answer to "If God is Love, why did He let this happen to us?"

I became a Christian (born-again) when I was 23, and just out of an incredibly violent marriage (two-way domestic violence is *not* good) - and rebounded into a second marriage (to another Christian) who herself is a survivor.

Twenty years of thinking Organized Religion, Dogma, and Doctrine had The Answer for my pain, grief, and anger resulted in my suppression of the past, its effects on me - and those around me, as well as deep denial (get over it, get on with your life); bouts of despair, depression, and suicidal thoughts that I could not even begin to understand, let alone deal with and process...

After all, I was (am) a Christian, and Christians Just Don’t Have

those

kinds of feelings... sigh...

Six years ago (I just turned 50), that second marriage ended... Simultaneously with my own entry into recovery when I finally started accepting the fact that the past can impact and have strong effects on the present; that ignoring the abuse was a good recipe for stress, ulcers, and more...

I came very close to suicide myself - incredibly close - because between 44 years of being unhappy and facing, seeing the abuse and how it had impacted me, well...

However, I had become friends with several other survivors by then, and they were there for me, accepting me warts and all, listening to me, simply being there for me without trying to fix me... (heh, Rowland; this sound familiar?)

The long and short of it is that I learned what real love and acceptance are, what healing and recovery are like (hard work, but far better than living in constant pain and misery - or worse...); I learned too that I am capable of love, capable of having a good impact on the lives of others - which, quite frankly, I did not believe until about five years ago...

In the last three years, I’ve learned that sharing my own experiences softly, quietly; really *listening* to the experiences of others - i.e. all that I wrote in the other post/email - all of that has helped others like I had been helped - and continue to be helped...

That, imNsho, is Love in Action - and is what Jesus of Nazareth not only taught, but lived... giving us an example that in this world, is seemingly forgotten and ignored by most...