by Norman Bales

Believe it or not forgiveness is controversial. According to one theory, human forgiveness can never take place until the person who has offended you repents and "makes things right with you." Of course the offended person always controls the agenda of what it takes to make things right, so forgiveness rarely takes place.

Others claim that forgiveness is unilateral, citing the words of Jesus from the cross - "Forgive them for they know not what they do." On the practical level, when we attempt unilateral forgiveness, we often sweep things under the rug and never bring people to account for their offensive behavior.

The "make-it-right" group would remind us that John the Baptist required those who came for baptism to "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance" (Matthew 3:8). The unilateral group would say, "If you're going to wait until the offender asks to be forgiven, you'd better get ready for a very long wait."

I'm sure the extremists on both sides will be debating one another over these issues until the Lord comes. Observation has taught me that people who withhold forgiveness are pretty miserable. I have met people who held on to grudges for thirty or forty years. They are some of the most miserable people I have ever known. I've even seen extreme cases that resulted in serious illness. I'm reminded that Jesus recommended seeking quick solutions to grievances (Matthew 5:25).

Recent scientific research confirms these observations. A study at Virginia Commonwealth University revealed a high level of anger and fear among those who refuse to forgive. A researcher at Hope College in Holland, Michigan suggested that increased heart rate and higher blood pressure can be observed among those who dwell on hurts and refuse to forgive. Maintaining grudges takes an unnecessary toll on the human body as well as the mind.

I'm not in favor of covering up problems and pretending they don't exist, but the refusal to forgive is a time bomb waiting to explode. There's not a line of Scripture that would justify holding grudges. Maybe reconciliation can't take place until "things are made right" (whatever that is), but among the children of God, there must be a sincere will to forgive. You can't have a healthy family without liberal applications of the forgiving spirit.

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