HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE

(Part two) Some Long Term Effects of Divorce on Children

Norman and Ann Bales

In our last newsletter, we identified three myths that people believe about the effect of divorce on children. One of those myths perpetuates the fiction that children are resilient and bounce back in a few months without any negative consequences. Listed below are some of the actual long-term effects of divorce on children.

1. Children often accept responsibility for the divorce. Their feelings are not logical, but they think things like "If I had only cleaned up my room . . ." "If I had only been born a boy . . ." "If I would have made better grades in school . . ." They often carry the burden of guilt. Quite often parents don't even tell the children why they are getting a divorce. They think the children are too young to understand. This often has the effect of confusing the child.

2. Children often feel unloved. They reason, "If my parents had really loved me, they would have worked their problems out." It doesn't matter how many times a parent verbally affirms love or brings gifts on visitation days, the child bears a sense of resentment. A child may ask, "Why did my parents have children if they were going to divorce."

3. Divided Loyalty. Some divorced parents compete for the loyalty of their children. When they discuss the previous spouse with their children, they always cast them in the worst possible light. Children hear it from both sides and often feel confused.

4. Loss. Most, if not all children of divorced parents feel a sense of loss. Even in those families where life was difficult for the children, there were good times and those good times are firmly etched in the memories of the children. It can be compared to the death of a loved one. You remember the good things and block out the bad things. With the death of the loved one, we can eventually adjust because we know the deceased person will not return from the grave. In the case of divorce, the other person is still alive and it's harder to let go of the allusion that it's over.

5. Insecurity. Many young children experience separation anxiety. They will cling to their mothers when left at a day care facility. They cannot bear the sight of having their mother leave. Some try to deny their insecurity by claiming to be happy all the time. Some develop fantasies. One therapist spoke of talking with a little girl who claimed that her daddy slept in her bed every night. These are all symptoms of a fear that parents will go away and never return.

6. Anger. The two people who were supposed to love the children more than anyone else deserted them. Life is more complex than it used to be. Grownups are acting like children. A stranger who moves into the house to take the place of their birth parent may further complicate the children's lives. Anger may be expressed in numerous ways - non-cooperation, withdrawal, fits or rage, rebellious behavior. Some may show physical symptoms - headaches, stomach problems, frequent feverishness etc.

We are now ready to take a more positive approach and offer some practical suggestions for divorced parents who are trying to raise children, but that will have to wait a week.