HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE

(Part three) Suggestions That Make Life Easier for Divorced Parents

Norman and Ann Bales

1. Children should know why their parents divorced. Obviously, the explanation given to a four-year-old will be much different from the explanation given to a teenager.

2. Be careful how you talk about a former spouse. From your perspective, your former spouse may be Atilla the Hun, Frankenstein's monster and Al Capone all rolled up into one. If you portray your spouse that way to your children, they may believe you at first, but the time may well come when they realize that your view is biased and they will resent you for interfering with their ability to bond with the other parent.

3. Offer comfort when a child needs it. You may be yearning to get on with your life, but a child needs help with the hurt that is taking place. Of course children know how to be manipulative and you must be very wise to know the difference between a manipulative child and a needy child.

4. Don't over indulge a child. The parent who is not the child's primary caregiver frequently does this. Sometimes the message is "If you lived with me, I would do all these things for you that your mommy/daddy is not doing." The child is encouraged to be manipulative.

5. Maintain discipline. One of the hardest things to do is to maintain consistent discipline. Disagreements among divorced parents concerning discipline is often one of the main topics of conversation. If they can develop some general agreeable guidelines over such things as bedtime, chores, etc. life runs smoother for every one.

Conclusion

The two people who get a divorce will usually adjust to life. In some ways children never do. Thanksgiving and Christmas will never be the same. Adult children of divorced parents often carry regrets to their grave. We need to do everything we can to help the children of divorced families feel loved and needed.

On the bright side, there are stepparents who are accepted and loved by children. Some children look upon the tragedy in their home as a challenge and they rise to the occasion. However, we must be realistic and recognize the fact that divorce and remarriage often creates more problems than it solves.

(end of series)

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