Clergy/Leaders' Mail-list No. 1-105 (Family Issues)

ASKABILITY

by Norman Bales

I'm not sure that "askability" is a word (it didn't clear my spell check). Whether it's a word or not it does describe a concept I want to discuss . . .

At one point the Active Christian Parenting curriculum (Minneapolis. Ausburg Fortress, 1995) discusses communication blocks and parents are urged to set a goal of becoming "askable parents." An askable parent is defined as "someone whose opinion the child will ask for." That becomes a pretty important dynamic as our children advance in age and have to deal with things like friend selection, drugs, careers, life companions, etc.

I was thinking about a commercial I've been hearing on the radio. A woman talks about all the things her daughter wanted to share with her in early childhood. In puzzled amazement she asks, "So why didn't she come to me the first time someone tried to pass her a joint?" Good question and one that needs to be countered with another question. Are you sure you were an askable parent?

"Askability" has to be one of the most important components of communication because an askable parent is a trusted parent. We aren't born askable. If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a home with parents who welcomed your questions, then you may well have learned the skill by observation. Many of us grew up in a world where the prevailing philosophy was "Children are to be seen and not heard." Parents never thought it was important be "askable." We weren't considered old enough, wise enough or mature enough to even ask intelligent questions and our opinions were even more suspect.

Children often found themselves continually rebuffed by such statements as "You'll understand it better when you get older;" "I'm busy right now and I don't have time for such foolishness;" "Don't worry about things like that, they aren't important; and "I don't know why don't you go ask your mother?" So who did they ask? Usually, they asked their peers. Do you ever wonder why some children are so heavily influenced by their peers? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. They are askable.

We deter askabilty when we

1. belittle. 2. ridicule. 3. condescend. 4. ignore. 5. reject. 6. discourage. 7. avoid.

We encourage askability when we

1. listen. 2. encourage. 3. praise. 4. understand. 5. assist. 6. accept 7. share

The Bible speaks clearly about a father's responsibility to his child. In Colossians 3:21, Paul wrote, "Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." People who lack the trait of "askability" run the risk of embittering and discouraging their children. We don't think you can be a responsible parent in today's world if you aren't "askable."

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