FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE! Part 1.

'God will cover you with feathers, and under God's wings you will find refuge' Psalm 91:4a

I'm glad you're here with me today, my only true friend. I'm convinced no-one has any idea of my pain right now. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to be enjoyable and positive company and fun to be with. Inevitably I get tired, nauseous, and giddy, and then I become unwell. At that time I feel rebuffed, and in my eyes it always seems to be my fault. I know the whole behavior is a performance, an 'act' to hide my inner pain, but it simply re-enforces the belief that I am only acceptable when I am well, and bright, cheerful, smiling and happy.

The real person inside feels like a piece of shattered crystal. It is as if I am cut, spiked, and bleeding, and I want to cry, be held and comforted. I would love to be told it is not my fault, that the crystal can be glued together again, and even if it takes time, it will eventually be restored.

Consequently, I am very fragile today. Somehow I feel that I will have to force to hide the true shattered me. I must again put on my bright, happy mask I learnt to use as a child. ("You must 'smile', my dear", Mother would always say!).

It's sad, really, but grown up people can be just as demanding for 'good company' as children were when I was small. In fact grown-up people, especially those closest to me, can hurt me just as easily, because they know the flaws that lie within.

I hate wearing masks, I really do, but I am so scared of more criticism and more 'put downs' that right now it seems that this is my only option. I can feel myself drawing right back into my cocoon, where no-one will see the real me, the 'shattered crystal'. It is only by withdrawing that I feel secure enough to face the day ahead.

The most amazing thing is, Jesus, that I know you will be in this cocoon with me, accepting me right there. You will stay there, and you won't push me out or ridicule me because I have back-tracked.You're not frightened of negative emotions, because you know how it feels to be 'shattered crystal'. You, too, much more than me, have been constantly misunderstood, rebuffed, and blamed for behaving differently to the 'crowd'.

So, I'm going to hide in my cocoon today, and perhaps tomorrow, or even for weeks, until I feel safe again. I know I won't be alone, but with you, my dearest friend, my comfort and my support. No matter where I go, you are with me, and I know you will support me until I find the courage to peep out into the world again. You are not only trustworthy, but have also promised to perfect and make me completely strong. But I will need to co-operate with the help I need, and I'm prepared to do just that.

While this slow, and painful process is continuing, I know you will protect me completely.

PRAYER: Dear Jesus, it is so wonderful to know that you hold me in the hollow of your hands, and cover me over with your wings. You will never leave me or find my true self unacceptable because I react differently from other people's expectations, real or imagined. With you, there are no 'should' behaviors, because you understand why I am the person that I am now, and you also know what beautiful crystal you are making out of all the shattered splinters I am experiencing inside my heart today. I really need You today, just to survive. It is great to know that I am totally accepted by you. Amen.

TODAY: Find a beautiful crystal bowl, a vase, a glass, or any wonderful artwork you admire.It might even be in a shop. Gaze upon it's beauty, looking at it from every angle to see the whole piece combining to form one magnificent whole. Remind yourself that Jesus is making you, too, into a special and unique work of art, and far more precious than any man-made crystal bowl. It may take time, but you will certainly be made whole as you daily place yourself under the wings and protection of the of the Almighty One.

Copyright. Julie-Anne Widget. 2002. All Rights reserved.

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