by Rod Benson, June 2002

According to Scripture marriage is ordained by God as an intimate and permanent partnership between a man and a woman in which the two become one in the whole of life. The ideal is an active lifelong monogamous heterosexual relationship. Sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual fulfilment are important goals of a marriage relationship that places God at its centre. Christian marriage is the ideal foundation for the birth and raising of children.

Some key biblical passages on marriage principles: Gen 1:26-28; 2:21-24; Mt 19:6; 1 Cor 7:1-40; 13:1-13; 2 Cor 6:14; Eph 5:21-33; 1 Th 4:3-7; Heb 13:4; 1 Pet 3:1-7.

For a detailed discussion of biblical principles of marriage written from a conservative evangelical position see Ralph H. Alexander, "Marriage," in Walter A. Elwell (ed.), Evangelical Dictionary of Biblical Theology (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1996) 510-513.

The four best books I can recommend to couples on dating/sex/marriage are:

(a) Joyce Huggett, Just Good Friends? Growing in Relationships (Leicester: IVP, 1985).

(b) Bill & Lynne Hybels, Fit to Be Tied: Making Marriage Last a Lifetime (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1991).

(c) Henry Cloud & John Townsend, Boundaries Before Marriage (Sydney: Strand Publishing, 2000).

(d) Tony Payne & Phillip Jensen, Pure Sex (Kingsford, NSW: Matthias Media, 1998).

In my opinion these books are most helpful for younger people and for preachers and youth workers interacting with teenagers and young adults. Mature adults and those who have been previously married, or who have lived in de facto relationships, naturally respond less well. They may benefit more from marriage enrichment resources.

See also my sermons titled "The body spiritual" and "Sex, lies and no escape" preached in 2002. The latter might be found under a different title to allow it to pass sensitive email filters.

Here is what I usually say, in my role as the celebrant, near the beginning of a marriage ceremony:

"Marriage is the sacred and lifelong union of a man and a woman to give themselves to each other in love and trust. It signifies the mystery of the union between Christ and the church. Marriage is given that husband and wife may enrich and encourage each other in every part of their life together. Marriage is given that with delight and tenderness they may know each other in love, ad through their physical union bay strengthen the union of their lives. Marriage is given that children may be born and brought up in security and love, that home and family life may be strengthened, and that society may stand upon firm foundations. Marriage is a way of life which all people should honour; it is not to be entered into lightly or selfishly, at responsibly and in the love of God. [Man's name] and [woman's name] are now to begin this way of life which God has created and Christ has blessed. Therefore, on this their wedding day, we pray for them, asking that they may fulfil God's purpose for the whole of their lives."

- from Uniting in Worship (Melbourne: Uniting Church Press/Joint Board of Christian Education, 1988) 380-381.

Below is an extract from a book by Ward Powers, Marriage and Divorce, reflecting traditional Western culture and a biblical worldview, and offering thoughtful advice to unmarried couples:

The first question to ask yourself is, Is this person someone I am allowed to fall in love with? The answer may be No, the most common reasons for which would be because the other person is not a Christian, is within the prohibited degrees of family relationship, or is already married. The second, related, question is, Is this a. person with whom I could share my life, totally and permanently?

If the other person is not a possible marriage partner, you must not allow yourself to become in love with them. It is within your power to control your feelings and emotions, and (in particular) what you do in response to them. True love involves the will. So before you allow yourself to be in love in this special way with a person, you must ask yourself "Is it permissible?" and also "Is it wise?" This may seem pretty cold-blooded, but the alternative is the tragedy of allowing yourself a deep emotional involvement with a person whom you can never marry, or whom it would be very unwise for you to marry (if you could) because of fundamental incompatibilities that would make a successful union in marriage most unlikely .

As basis for marriage, love must be returned by the other person; and love may not come to each of you to the same degree at the same time. You may have to be patient and allow time and opportunity for the other person's love to grow in response to yours. Or vice versa. Do not force the pace; do not rush into love. But how can you recognize real love when it comes, love that could be the basis for marriage?

There are five signs of being in love in this way:

(a) A desire to be together - the simple enjoyment of being in each other's presence, and the feeling that the room is different, the circumstances are different, just because the other person is there; and conversely, a feeling of lostness and longing when the other person is away. (See the Song of Solomon. If you don't enjoy each other's company for its own sake, quite apart from whatever you may be doing together, then there is a poor basis for marriage.)

(b) A mutual enjoyment of what you do together. This will usually involve having interests and cultural background in common. (If you don't have too many things that you can enjoy doing together, then the companionship aspect of marriage is going to be of a pretty low level.)

(c) A preference to do what your friend wants, rather than carrying out your own wishes. (If this is not the case, then the "mutual help" aspect of marriage is going to be a duty not a joy, and the love Paul describes in Ephesians 5:22-33 is absent.)

(d) The existence of sexual attraction. A platonic friendship is no basis for marriage. If the boy does not find the girl sexually attractive, or if the girl cannot stand for the boy to touch her, then there is good reason to doubt that they will have a mutually satisfying sex life together. The biblical standard requires that a couple does not have intercourse before marriage . but there can be and should be, a mutual awareness of a desire to commence sexual life together.

(e) All the above are ongoing, and the couple have allowed themselves opportunity to have a valid basis for real expectation that these are settled attitudes on the part of both people, and not the manifestation of a passing infatuation. Marriage is a commitment of two people to each other for life: therefore they need to be mature enough to make a decision of this scope and seriousness, and they need to know themselves and each other sufficiently well to have good grounds to believe that their care about each other is enduring .

What is an engagement? What is it for? Is it necessary?

"An engagement" means an engagement or undertaking entered into by two people that they are going to marry each other. It is similar in many ways to, but not as formal as, the concept of betrothal in the Bible (see p. 117). When two people have reached the point of deciding that they intend to marry, then it is appropriate that they should make this public in some manner, in order that their family and friends know that this is the case .

The engagement period is the period between the public announcement of the intention to marry, and the wedding itself. Its length can vary according to circumstances, but most couples would benefit from allowing themselves an engagement period of six to twelve months during which to prepare for the wedding and their life together. It can be noted that:

(a) During this period it is obviously inappropriate for either person to date anyone else, because they have committed themselves to each other.

(b) It is a period during which they get to know each other better, and learn to mesh their various interests and activities together more, so that they begin to adjust two separate lives to function in harmony. The more individualistic they have been, the more this adjustment is needed.

(c) It provides an opportunity for checking that their commitment to each other is one that is soundly based and that will endure. If during the period of engagement they discover that they are not really suited to each other, then the engagement must be broken off. This must be done in a way that is helpful and fair to each person, for each must act in love and avoid exacerbating the hurt that the other will feel . an engagement should not be lightly entered nor lightly broken - but better to break off the relationship at the stage of an engagement than to submit to (real or imagined) expectations of others and then subsequently end up with a broken marriage.

(d) It is a time of preparation for life together. In addition to making decisions about all the questions of wedding and reception arrangements, this preparation will involve practical matters such as deciding where the couple will live, working and saving to be able to meet the costs of setting up a home, beginning to buy and make things for the new home, and so on. It means also spiritual preparations for life together, in developing joint spiritual activities. Also exceedingly important, it means discussing together all the ramifications of living together, from joint handling of money to sexual preparations: attending a . course of marriage preparation, talking over your expectations and viewpoints about children and birth control, becoming more informed about details of married sex, etc.

The Wedding

Each couple will have their own ideas about what is appropriate for their wedding. These few comments will however be made:

(a) The wedding ceremony is a public commitment of each to the other, before God. All that is done in the service, and after it, should be consciously in keeping with this purpose.

(b) The wedding is an important and (one hopes) unrepeatable occasion in the lives of the couple getting married. It is appropriate that it be a joyful and satisfying occasion that they will remember .

(c) Be sure that the Guest of greatest importance at wedding and reception is Christ, and allow the occasion to be one therefore where he is publicly acknowledged and honoured. This can then set the tone for all the years of married life that are to follow.

Happily Ever After

The marriage partners need to be able to face the realities of marriage honestly together. Often people find that marriage is something of a letdown - they expected so much of it, and marriage has not lived up to their expectations. They can be harbouring unreal expectations, which - unless these are recognized in time - will most likely lead to beginning to blame ones partner for what they feel is lacking. But only Christ can fully satisfy: do not look to marriage to substitute for him! .

B. Ward Powers, Marriage and Divorce: The New Testament Teaching (Concord NSW: Family Life Movement of Australia, 1987) 124-129.