SCRIPTURE:And God is faithful;...and will also provide a way out so that you can stand up. For God knows our frame, and remembers that we are dust. 1 Cor.10:12, Ps.103:14.

When I awoke on Easter Sunday it was a glorious morning. Birds were singing, the sky was a bright azure and totally cloudless. A soft wind floated over our slightly frosted lawn. My heart was vibrant and joyful. My sisters were excited. This was the morning for the chocolate Easter eggs! I had so much to celebrate....Jesus was DEAD! This man had been punished and was now out of my heart. He was no longer going to be inside me or live with me.

"If ONLY it had been Daddy," I mused, as I struggled to clamber quickly into my Sunday dress.

I scrambled to catch up to my sisters as we headed down to the kitchen to receive our chocolate eggs and then breakfast. Caroline opened the kitchen door. There I saw the table fully set and our Easter eggs,one each, sitting inside our egg cups. Mummy and Daddy hurried over to the kitchen table to greet us. "Happy Easter!" they chanted in unison. "JESUS IS ALIVE!"

I stared in disbelief at my parents. Their faces were beaming down at me. DADDY was so HAPPY! He appeared totally elated, and picking me up, he tossed me into the air with sheer delight and then caught me and carefully maneuvered me into my chair at the table.

I stared blankly at my Easter egg..... Everything and everyone else went strangely out of focus, their noise and exuberance blending into meaningless clatter..... I was devastated! This could NOT be true!

How could something dead come alive again? Fluffy our cat had stayed dead. Surely they were wrong? I did not eat that morning; did not touch my chocolate Easter egg. Could not even drink my glass of milk. Everything was somehow glazed, unreal, meaningless. Eventually I began to again focus on reality, but I was convinced my parents were wrong. They MUST be wrong!

I resolved to wait and ask my teacher in Sunday School, but I did not have to wait that long. In our particular church, the children attended the adult worship first, leaving for Sunday School about twenty minutes later. I remember the adult congregation singing the opening hymn.....a few bars of jargon I did not understand.......but then, in one accord, the adults and the choir raised their voices into a rousing chorus..... "He LIVES! He LIVES! Christ Jesus LIVES today. He walks with me and talks with me Along life's narrow way. He LIVES! He LIVES! Salvation to impart. You ask me how I know He LIVES? HE LIVES WITHIN MY HEART!" (A.H.Ackley)

I was dumbfounded! Slumping into my chair I stared at the floor. I felt empty and hollow. All was surreal. This was my first experience of true grief, I believe. My parents were right! Jesus HAD come alive again. Jesus, the MAN, was back inside my heart. Now I could NEVER get rid of him because I knew even if I died I would live with Jesus for ever. Faith seemed so simple and wonderful when Jesus was a baby, but to realize he was a MAN like my Daddy...this was a personal disaster for me!

The whole situation became even worse for me in Sunday School when the teacher cheerfully enthused with great emotion that because Jesus had died and then come alive again, this meant that we would too. So obviously whatever Daddy did, even if he died, he would come alive again too!

Can you imagine the agony of my heart? To be so aware of the personal danger I was in when Daddy and I were alone was bad enough. But then to add to that belief that I now had a man, Jesus, INSIDE me as well who could hurt me at any time at all...this was absolutely horrendous.

The ramifications of all this led me to an extreme state of insecurity. I believed I was not safe anywhere, at any time. I prepared myself to be hurt at any instant. The anguish was enormous.

God however is so good. This good God accepts us wherever we are at, even when we hold completely untrue beliefs and convictions. At this very point of disaster in my life God knew exactly what to do. He gave me something else to live for and a purpose and meaning to carry on. I would now search to discover the answers to two incredibly important questions. 1. Are all men like my Daddy? and 2. What is Jesus really like?

The quest for discovering who Jesus really is, surely is a lifelong journey of faith. We can never really KNOW Jesus until we enter Heaven, but certainly as the years have unfolded this would have to be one of the richest, rewarding and surprising journeys of my life.

But back as a child I felt I had no ability then to find out what Jesus was like, but I believed it WAS in my power to discover if all men were like my Daddy. So that became the raison d'etre for me at that time. I was on a journey to find out how other Daddies treated their little girls.You see, God had provided me a way to carry on - something I could search for to keep me in hope.

PRAYER: O God, we humans so often base our God-view on our particular world-view, and frequently like me as a little girl, we are totally wrong. Yet thank you that you are ALWAYS ready to meet us right where we are, if we will listen to the still, small voice in our heart. You truly are an incredibly accepting God. Thank you for giving me a reason to live, which was attainable for me at that tender age.I would develop from this experience an ability to search for truth at a level that was meaningful for me. This search of mine for truth has never ended. Thank for turning this seeming disaster into something positive. You always can, and you do, if we allow you into the rooms of our hearts. Amen.

TODAY: Are you going through a time of real personal disaster right now? Sometimes life really does appear just too hard, even to the point of absolute grief. If your dreams are shattered, your grief pressing in on every side, take time out to be kind to yourself. Shut the pain out, just for today. Make a wonderful warm lemon drink - lemon tea is really tasty. Curl up with an easy, light book. Nothing too heavy or demanding - perhaps even a favorite magazine. If it's cold, snuggle into a soft blanket. Spend as long as you can possibly spare just RELAXING!!! It's comforting for mind, body and soul.

Copyright Julie-Anne Wingate. 2002. All Rights reserved. For comments or responses, please contact