'Grow Wings With Me SCRIPTURE: I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these of mine, you did for me. For whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 25:40, 23:12.

Yesterday I spoke to someone who had been sexually abused as a child, like I had. I thought I handled it very well...no specifics about me, but lots of talk and empathy towards her. I listened a lot to her, suggested she take herself very gently and lovingly, and gave her my email address so she could contact me in future times if she wished. Afterwards I thought about how far I had come emotionally and how well I was now coping in this area.

But last night I had a specific, horrific nightmare. I dreamt of my father sexually abusing me. In the dream I was about eight years old, and as he often did, he was hurting me incredibly, although I do not know exactly what he was doing. The pain was excruciating!! I cannot possibly describe to you that feeling. As I always did as a child, I dug my finger nails into my eyes while he was abusing me so badly. And in my nightmare I did exactly the same .. I poked my finger nails as hard as I could into my eyes.

The pain in my eyes jolted me awake. I was shaking all over with sheer panic; my legs were heavy and lead-like, as if all the blood circulation had been cut off. My heart was thumping, my head throbbing and my pajamas were wet with perspiration which was still draining down my neck and shoulders. Oh yes, and my eyes were sore. I sat up, listened to some music, read, and eventually relaxed enough to go back to sleep again.

In the morning I got up, tumbled into the shower and as I washed my face I realized that my eyes were sore, in a familiar sort of way... and then the memories of my nightmare came reeling back. As I was drying myself I peered into the mirror and there, to my chagrin, I saw it. A purple eye. Not black yet.too fresh for that I knew, but bright red/purple in the corner of my right eye, and a pair of very blood shot eyes looking back at me.

Looking at that black eye, I thought a bit. As a child I had taught myself a lesson most women learn in preparation for the pain of childbirth. Women are taught to distract themselves from the awful pain of each contraction by concentrating on their breathing. As a child I would poke my thumb nails as hard as I possibly could into the corners of my eyes. The pain in my eyes served to distract me from the pain in my tummy, the incredible weight on my chest and legs and the fact that I was struggling to breathe.

At eight years old I began to hurt myself to block out the pain from my father's abuse. It seemed much easier then for me to be the one to 'do the damage' to myself, rather than face the awful reality of what was happening to me. I felt I had some control over what I did to myself, whereas I had no power whatsoever to stop my father.

As I grew older, I continued harming myself to block out pain, or I would feel so bad about myself I believed I deserved to suffer pain. Lots of us do this. I know I'm not alone because I have met so many others who act in the same way. It may not appear as self-harm...some may stop eating, or eat too much, exercise to the point of exhaustion, become drug users, alcoholics, but there are countless adults who actually cut, burn, scratch themselves, etc., when they recall the physical pain of childhood sexual abuse.. All of these are activities to block out the shocking memories.

Jesus knows the physical pain of children. He understands because he, too, suffered incredible pain to the point of actual death, when he was totally innocent. Every child was made in the image of God, and is an important, unique and extremely valuable creation of God himself. No-one is just a collection of cells, and even a tiny baby, who has contributed nothing to society, is of immense and incalculable worth. It is not tolerable to God that any one of these children should suffer.

PRAYER: Loving God, creator and sustainer of life, we ask today for your eternal spirit to comfort and sustain all persecuted children who right now are being beaten, whipped or raped by abusive, controlling humans in their charge. They have no idea why they are experiencing such brutal treatment. People who hurt and maim and kill little children for their own pleasure make us feel positively sick with repulsion. We are glad to know that they bring you the same feeling. Free choice brings such evil consequences to the world, yet it is such a wonderful gift. Help us to use our own free choices today to build up and not tear down those around us. Amen.

TODAY: I challenge you today to set aside time to consider the short and long term effects upon physically abused children. Then try to be specific. Do you know of a refuge/ accommodation house near your home where hurting children live? Get on that phone and ring around to discover something YOU can do to help one child suffering this misery. You may be able to foster a child, or take one on a weekend respite care every month, or take one on an outing occasionally.. Even take a child home for a story and a meal on a regular basis. That one child will always remember that. Jesus died for that one child just as much as for you.

Julie-Anne Wingate. 2002. Copyright. All Rights Reserved.